Reflections on a disturbed childhood

When I reflect back on my childhood, it is typically with fond memories. However, this weekend my parents came to visit and brought my old art projects, which made me question just how great my childhood was. Here are some pieces of my original art. Let's examine these together.

First, we have the pooposaurus. I'm pretty sure that I meant for this to be a dinosaur but it sure looks a lot like feces. I think it means that subconciously, my childhood was crappy.

Next, we have a picture that might look more familiar. I think this is my interpretation of minnie mouse. I'm guessing that the reactions of my classmates and parents when they saw their daughter brought home poop was very traumatic, for both me and everyone else. So, I probably decided to do something less original and more socially acceptable.

Next, we have a little oil lamp. For some reason, this reminds me of Judaism. When I was in grade school there was a secret part of me that really wanted to be Jewish. I had a lot of Jewish friends growing up, but I wanted to be Jewish mostly because of that sweet "Dreidel, dreidel" song we sang every holiday season.

Now, after seeing this, I'm bitter I didn't copy write this face. It looks just like the lemur king off Madagascar. I think this truly captures who I am on the inside. A jungle animal that likes to move it! Just kidding...or am I? I had a friend once tell me that if I was an animal I would be a lemur, so who knows?

This one must have been made during a really rough time. I have no explaination but he is smiling, so I wasn't quite suicidal.

I think around age 9, I was possibly exploring the possibility of becoming a clown. I mean, I already had the white skin, so why not color on my face a little too?

Now, last but definitely not least! I think I was in junior high when I made this. I wish I could say I was on acid but I wasn't. To me this seriously looks like Satan's steed. It looks like the offspring of a goat and unicorn couple who then mated with an orc.

So now you know the real reason I went into therapy. Looks like I've been needing it for quite some time now!

I feel like a rockstar

Whenever I go to my sister's house I feel like a rockstar. As I pull up in the car, they are watching through the blinds...as I walk down the sidewalk, I begin to hear screaming and laughing. As I approach the door step, they swing open the door. One usually becomes shy but the other two run up and begin to hug and kiss me. Then, Dallin will get excited and run around and start to lift up his shirt--now rockstars always get people doing that to them! Anyway, this doorway greeting makes me feel special everytime and it always makes me laugh.

Life in Texas

Here are some photos of my new apartment:

About a week ago I moved from Bountiful, UT to Lubbock, TX. I was so sad to leave Utah. Sometimes I would almost start to cry when I would look at the mountains because I knew Lubbock was flatter than a piece of paper. Not only was I sad to leave Utah because of the beautiful surroundings but also because I have made so many good friends while living there. I already miss them! L One night while driving in my friend’s jeep, jamming out, I just started to cry! It was kind of silly but I knew I wouldn’t have my buddy to belt it out with me in the car. Goodbyes are so sad!

However, hellos are exciting. Moving in was a little bit of a fiasco. I had told the moving company about a month before I came out that I would be moving in a day earlier than scheduled. But when I got to the apartment to move in, the carpet was still ripped up and it was dirty from workmen. Mind you, I had to pay full month’s rent for August. I was a little ticked. So I called and then they wanted to show me a different apartment that was being cleaned out that day that had just been remodeled. So, I checked it out and ended up moving into that apartment. I really like it except the front room smelled a little smoky but I think I’ve gotten rid of the smell with the help of vinegar, candles, and air fresheners. I think it was only in the front room because the previous tenants would smoke on the front porch.

Oh, and I almost forgot about my house friends. Well, after moving in all my things, I needed to vacuum and mop. I wanted to do a thorough job; so, when I encountered the water heater closet, I decided to vacuum where no tenant had vacuumed before. As I was vacuuming up mounds of dirt, I would sometimes find an object that would not fit in the vacuum tube. So, I would turn off the vacuum, let the item drop to the floor with the intention to throw it away when I was done. Well, it happened again, but this time the object had a tail. I thought to myself, “That looks like a tail, weird.” Then when I turned off the vacuum and got a closer look, what did I see? Yes, a dead mouse carcass! The insides had rotted out but the little coat of fur was still intact. Yes, of course, I let out a scream. That was disgusting.

My second house friend is a fly. I have yet to name this fellow. I feel like if I name him, then I am giving him permission to live with me which I am really not okay with. He is a little buggy. No pun intended. He is always trying to eat my food. He touches me when I don’t want to be touched. He sometimes makes noise which is bothersome to me. I know, some of you are thinking, “this sounds like my husband!” I tried to get him to fly out the window today. I think it may have worked because I haven’t seen him tonight. If I see him again, I might have to have “the talk” with him.

Anyway, I have started classes and I think I am really gonna love my graduate work. My cohort is awesome. It is also awesome living 2 minutes away from my sister and her family. So although it's been a hard move, I'm really excited to be here in Lubbock and I can't wait till our first football game next weekend! Yay!

We Can Never Be The Same

Here is my newest song. Let me know what you think.

Movie Review! Yay!

So tonight I saw the popular Eclipse. Now I never finished reading the series because I got so frustrated that this young girl was in love with a vampire. I just can't relate. I understand the difficulty in finding a decent guy but I have not reduced my desperate situation to pursuing another species! This film glorifies her dilemma: vampire or wolf? How about a man? Sure men aren't perfect but come on! They aren't that bad. Granted, sometimes they aren't that different from vampires or wolves. I mean, they always want to bite your neck, they run faster than you, they smell bad sometimes, and they usually are quite warmer in body temperature. Still, most of them won't kill you!

One of the first things I noticed about the film is that everyone is wearing a hoodie, except Jacob, of course. I'm not sure if this is a northwest fashion statement but I was so glad that I had my white hoodie. I felt like a true Twilighter (that's my new nickname for the Twilight groupies). I also noticed that before the little battle, the Cullen family were all adorned in their black jackets. I think I'm going to get my family to sport that style in our next family photo. And, if we are feeling really ambitious, maybe we'll use make up to make our skin a lighter, yay!

Now, this film is a drama but I found myself laughing hysterically at times. The first time was when bitter bridezilla sought revenge on her fiance for beating her in the streets thus leading to her becoming a vampire. This scene was so shocking, I couldn't help but laugh out loud because it seemed so ridiculous. However, I can't lie, I was scared! I always pictured that when a bride entered a room to meet her man it would be with a smile....not fangs! I thought, "Yikes! If I was a man I'd never get married after seeing that image!" So if your man is now getting cold feet, it's your fault for dragging him to see this movie in the first place! Shoot, it makes me scared to put on a wedding dress!

I also laughed during the battle when the vampires would break like mannequins. I'm sorry, but I just can't feel bad when people break like glass. It's just so ridiculous.

Now I want to address an important lesson taught in this film. In the movie it shows two incidents when a seductive female vampire falsely proclaimed her love to get man to lead an army of vampires to serve her own selfish purpose. What do we learn? First, women lie, especially when they are vampires. Second, don't fall in love with a female vampire. Third, anytime someone says they love you and then asks you to kill someone, you should probably reevaluate the way you select who you date. "Best bite" should probably not be a determining criterion.

Thanks to this film I have come to several conclusions for myself:

1. Still like men, human men.

2. I'm cool because I own multiple hoodies.

3. I'm grateful to be a woman or I could be at risk to be seduced by one of these demonic female vampires.

4. Taylor Lautner is the best looking 18-year-old I've ever seen

5. I want to make out in a field of purple flowers

Thoughts on recent events

First, I must start off with the saddest news of all. The love of my life is getting engaged to someone else! Yes, George the grocery store bagger has found love with a woman and that woman is not me! After stalking my sister he helped her with her groceries and proceeded to tell her about his upcoming engagement. I'm so disappointed. He really was my last hope. Now I'll be forever pining for my lost love. Sigh...

Second, let's talk about Arizona. Okay, so we have a serious problem in this nation with illegal immigrants and no one can deny that. While I understand that the law seems like it is targeting illegal immigrants...well, you're right, it is! Duh! Look, if some guy sneaks across the border and is speeding on the highway with his driving privilege (which baffles me that they don't check for legal status when this is issued) and the officer checks to see if he is legal, I don't see the big deal. Aren't the police supposed to be monitoring illegal activities. If police are doing a drug bust and they go into the house and a man is raping a woman, can they not arrest him cause they are only supposed to be there for the drugs? Come on! Illegal is illegal. But my real issue isn't with this law. It's with the fact that the federal government can't do it's job right and keeps putting it's nose in the wrong places. I worked on capitol hill and heard someone say that air conditioning was the down fall of this country because then congress could work all year round. Before AC, congressmen had real jobs and served the public. Now they are just politicians who are trying to control our lives. I was going to go into politics but when I did an internship at the Subcommittee on regulatory affairs I learned that this country runs on bull sh*t. I can't believe the ridiculous laws that are passed. The Founding Fathers knew what they were doing and we've spent the last 65 years screwing it up.

My favorite things

So here are ten new and old favorite things of mine:

1. rock climbing- the most fun way to be reminded of how much you weigh. haha.

2. body combat- kicks my butt every time.

3. Edamame-so yummy!

4. chocolate milk- I think I'm reverting back to my childhood days

5. John Steinbeck novels- amazing author. Truly captures human nature.

6. Pilates- strengthen those abs!

7. Slumdog Millionaire- wow! One of the most creative, heart wrenching, and inspiring films I've ever seen.

8. Pantene Pro-V flat to volume- my hair is so soft! Feels like it just got cut.

9. French pedicure

10. Playing the guitar- I just love love love music! Can't wait till I get a piano also.

Why

So lately I've been thinking about the "why" behind poor choices. And I've come to a conclusion. Now, there are some people in life who make bad decisions because they really are evil. And then there is the rest of us. People who make bad decisions for sometimes reasons we ourselves can't identify. Coming from a religious background, I grew up always thinking that when someone sinned it was because they lacked spiritual strength. However, I have come to realize that are two reasons good people make bad choices: one is that they lack spiritual strength, and the other is that they lack emotional strength. The problem is that the two are very connected. Each strength enables you to have greater strength in the other area.

What can happen is that we might develop one and fail to develop the other. However, this lack of development in one area can hinder the development of the other and even thwart all the efforts we've made to develop that strength.

This can occur in a culture that emphasizes spirituality and fails to ensure that people understand what true spiritual strength requires: emotional strength. This may be why you see a church leader that has displayed great spiritual power and then later you hear that he has had an affair or an addiction or that maybe he has abused someone. You feel betrayed. But if you take a closer look you begin to see that most people aren't the way we see them. We see a snapshot of a person, and while a picture says 1,000 words, that is not enough to understand an individual. Most of try to only show our good sides because that is what we believe we truly are inside. However, the truth is that we all have very deep rooted insecurities and very few of us ever confront those demons until the life of a relationship is threatened by them. This is why relationships are so important. They help develop the character of the individual.

So does someone have an affair because he doesn't believe in the ten commandments? Probably not. There is an emotional need that is not being filled. Most people don't recognize how serious the need is until they are trapped in a love triangle. Same with a person that is addicted to pornography. No one in their right mind wants to be enslaved to any addiction. But that person has an emotional deficiency. Most addicts that I know resorted to a substance or pornography because it took them out of their reality into a happier place. Their choice had nothing to do with spirituality but was a result of lacking emotional strength to confront the difficulties of their lives. Many of these people are really good people. They can be kinder than most others and many have strong feelings towards deity.

I am in no way trying to justify bad decisions but in order to stop making bad decisions or help others from doing so, it is important to understand what influences our decisions. The hardest part is recognizing what you lack or what you need before you find yourself in a vulnerable situation. This is why many of us learn the hard way. Learning the hard way isn't always a bad thing. The lesson that is the hardest to learn is often the one that we never forget.

I'm not quite sure how you can sustain spiritual strength without emotional strength. For many years I have heard that praying and reading your scriptures would solve all your problems. And while I do believe these things do help an individual develop spiritual strength and peace, real healing and growth occurs when we change who we are. This requires first, looking within and really admitting to ourselves who we are. Once we truly accept ourselves for the good and bad in us, then we can better apply spiritual teachings. It is not enough to know where you want to end up. We must know where we are starting from.

About 6 years ago I was invited by some friends to hike Mt. Timpanogas. The plan was to leave at midnight so that we could be at the top of the mountain at dawn. We had fasted that day and I said to my cousin after eating the one and only meal we had eaten that day, "let's go to bed right now so we won't be tired." At midnight we packed a little bag with a few water bottles and I threw in some fruit snacks in case we got hungry. We had been told that the hike would be six hours. Well, we didn't make it to the top before dawn. By 9:00am, we were starved and had just reached the top. I was used to a lot physical activity but cousin wasn't and she was tired. Luckily our friends had made extra sandwiches and had prepared more adequately for the hike. We finally got back down to the base at 1:00pm. Turned out that we had taken the wrong trail so that is why the hike had been longer and more difficult.

I share this story because it illustrates the importance of knowing our strengths and limitations and the journey we face. Too many of us don't want to know where the starting line is because knowing the distance to the top is intimidating. Unfortunately, if we don't know the distance, we find ourselves ill prepared for the journey. We may not pack enough water or food. We may think the hike is short and we won't need sunscreen or a first aid kit. So we end up burnt and sometimes scarred because we weren't able to take care of wounds immediately. And I can tell you my cousin wasn't happy that I brought her on that hike. Sometimes our loved ones might feel that way about the journey that we take them on.

As we willingly look into our hearts and admit our limitations, we can develop emotional and spiritual strength to make good decisions. My friend share with me an interesting quote:

"To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who would rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet."

I love the second part. Many of us, and even myself included, are scared to meet their own hearts in their closet. But I believe that as we do so, we will make better decisions and we really will become the better side that we try to display to the rest of the world.

More music

Here are a few more songs I've written

The Surgery...

Alrighty folks, it's time! Now that my blog has been up for a while I feel like we can talk about some more serious matters. Surgery. Not just any surgery. Breast Implants. No, I am not contemplating getting implants. That would put me up with Pamela Anderson, someone I avoid associating with. And no, I never got this surgery.

Now, my father is a plastic surgeon, so I am grateful for the vain and insecure who made my life possible. Thanks! :) I must preface this by saying plastic surgery is such a blessing. How awesome that should tragedy strike we can help someone look like their original self! However, this boob job thing is getting a little crazy!

First, let's discuss the graduation present.

Many 18-year-old girls get breast implants as a graduation gift from their parents. I'm against this. Why? Well, first because at 18, you may continue to grow...and this includes certain body parts. Second, what message is this parent trying to send their child?! "I feel guilty that your mother and I failed you the first time and didn't pass along the "big boobs" gene, so now I'll make it up to you." Or is the message, "You should be insecure! You're flat! You'll never catch a boy looking like that!"

The other problem with getting this surgery at such a young age is that you will inevitably need to get a second surgery. Although, one may think that fake boobs void out the law of gravity, they don't. Gravity works the same on all women.

Now I would say that most women get a boob job for one of three reasons.

1. To reconstruct their breasts after surgery for breast cancer.

2. To feel more feminine or attractive and eliminate insecurities about their body.

3. A man has requested that she get the surgery.

The first one is obviously necessary and I find no moral dilemma with it. The second is where most people find moral ambiguity. Here is my problem with the second reason. We have a society that degrades women so much that a woman elects to undergo major surgery with many risks in order to fit the model of a perfect female figure. I just don't feel good about women electing to do something so painful when they should have never felt pressured into it in the first place.

This brings us to the third point. The man's request. I remember when I was young, a couple of my mom's friends got breast implants "to save their marriage." Look, if the success or happiness of your marriage depends on the wife's boobs, well, you've got serious problems. You picked the wrong man! Now, they may say we have equal rights, but tell me this, do you think I would ever ask my husband to undergo major surgery and enlarge a body part with the possibility that he would lose sensation in that body part? What man would agree to that? He wouldn't. Yes that's right, many women lose sensation in their breasts after the surgery. On top of that, you can no longer breastfeed. Breastfeeding provides your child with so many health benefits! I'm not even going to get started on that one.

Well, obviously this surgery is a personal decision but it makes me sad that it is becoming so common place that we will forget what the natural female body looks like. I hope none will be offending by my honest opinion. I know many friends that have seen the confidence a woman has gained after such a surgery. However, my problem is the fact that she ever felt a lack of confidence without it. And that my friends is the real issue.