It's not you, it's the way you smell

Today I want to discuss an important oversight. These days many men are spending hours at the gym, trying to get that six pack. Or they are spending crazy amounts of money on clothes and hair gel. All these efforts are to attract a mate. While we women appreciate these efforts I think it is only appropriate to help out a man in need so I'm letting the men in on a secret. Now, this may seem like a really simple answer to what seems like a complex issue (securing a woman). Wear cologne. Yes, that's right. But, don't just think you can pick up an old sample and and don't think that the more you put on will make it more effective. The key is getting the right cologne. When a man smells good, a girl starts to melt inside. I get all worried that it may start to show that I'm possibly becoming irrational. The right cologne can turn a Chris Farley into Bradley Cooper. Now, you may think I'm only speaking for myself but I have talked with many women about this and it is true, a guy be ugly or fat or even have a bad personality, but if he smells good I think, "this guy is an option!" So, there you have it, if you are trying to find yourself a woman, you first need to find yourself a cologne. View the clip below to see just how it works.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3YIr6L4STo

Baby, I'm the lucky one

Last night as I was laying in bed I began to think about how lucky I am. I have so much to be grateful for. Of course I complain at times about what is lacking in my life but I've realized that I have so much to be happy about. I'd like to take some time right now to write about it.

The other day was my birthday and I was showered upon with so much love. My older sister Rachel made me a delicious meal and my cute nieces and nephew gave me a few surprises too. Paige and Dallin decided to be puppies for my birthday. Who would have thought I'd get not just one puppy, but two! Then Elizabeth and Paige showed us a wonderful dance performance. It was quite a pleasant evening. I have a wonderful family and I'm so excited to be with them over the holidays.

On the weekend I got to have a sleepover, just like old times, with two great girlfriends. I also got to do karaoke, a favorite past time of mine. It was so fun! I am not only grateful that so many people remembered me on my birthday but that so many made the effort to come celebrate and have a good time with me. I truly feel like I have a monopoly on good friends. As I have moved around quite a bit, friends have been so important to me and they have helped me grow so much.

I especially feel grateful about all the amazing opportunities I have had in my life: a study abroad in Ukraine, internship with Congress in DC, a mission in Russia, visiting Costa Rica, and pursuing a graduate degree. I realize how God has opened up doors of opportunity and provided the finances for me to have these experiences. Sometimes I wonder why God has blessed me with so much.

I'm so grateful for my health. After I stopped doing sports, I worked out to prevent myself from getting fat but in the past couple years I've come to really appreciate my body. There is something so amazing about having a healthy body and being able to move it in different ways.

I'm also grateful for my talents. I love music and I love that singing and playing the guitar and piano can make me so happy and relieve so much stress.

Especially right now, I'm grateful for the opportunity that I have to study and work in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy. It is such an inspiring endeavor and I don't know how to express how wonderful it feels to pursue a career that feels as though it is part of your soul. What I love most about my field is that it brings the most important things together: career, family, and spirituality.

I'm one lucky girl and recognizing that has allowed me to enjoy the journey. I'm so grateful for all that I have and look forward to Thanksgiving when my family and I can share our gratitude for all our blessings.

If I had a rich man

If I had a rich man, sigh. Isn't that what every girl wonders? Now, some people are thinking, what does a girl need a rich man for? Well, this song makes fun of rich wives but also reveals why a rich husband would be useful to a girl. You may want to have the music playing in the background as you read the revised lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBHZFYpQ6nc

Oh dear Lord, you made many, many poor men.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be poor.
But it's no great honor either!
So, why would it be so terrible if I had a rich husband?"

If I had a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long sitting at the country club.
If I had a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I had a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

He'd buy a big tall house with rooms by the dozen,
Right in the middle of the town.
A fine gourmet kitchen with real wooden floors below.
There would be one long staircase just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more just for the real housewives show.

I'd fill my closet with Louis Vuitton and Gucci
just for the girls to see and stare.
gawking just as enviously as they can.
With each loud "Oooo" "ahhh" "Ugh"
Will ring like music to my ears,
As if to say "She's got a wealthy man."

If I had a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long sitting at the country club.
If I had a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I see myself, his wife, looking like a rich man's wife
With a black Mercedes Benz.
Shopping all day long to my heart's delight.
I see me putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood I'm in.
Enjoying my rich life, day and night.

The most eligible girls in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wise.
"If you please, Reb Crandall..."
"Pardon me, Reb Crandall..."
Posing problems that would cross another therapist's eyes!

And it won't make one bit of difference if i answer right or wrong.
When you're rich, they think you really know!

If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack
Go to the spa, relax, and stay.
And maybe have full body massage.
And I'd discuss grooming trends with experienced women, several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I had a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long sitting at the country club.
If I had a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.

Lord who made the lion and the lamb,
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan?!
If I had a wealthy man.

A child's view of divorce

Last night I was babysitting my nieces and nephews. One of their favorite games to play is called "neighbors." Paige (age 5) and I went to Elizabeth's who had just gotten married and was now having baby. At Elizabeth's Paige revealed that she was divorcing her husband. Elizabeth asked if he had another girlfriend and Paige very excitedly said, "No! It's because he is the 's' word." I asked, "What is the 's' word." "It's 'stupid.'" Pretty good reason for divorce. So I asked what he did and she had quite the list of words exchanged and what had happened:

"He cut off my toe nail!"

"He pulled out my tooth!"

"And he is always trying to put my earrings on me, but I can put my earrings on myself."

"He told me, 'go put some pancakes in your stomach with lots of syrup on top!' But I don't want pancakes! I want toast."

"So I told him, 'go put lipstick on your lips and never come back!'"

"Then he said to me, 'go cut your eyebrows and cut your hair off.'"

"He told me, 'go put your head in the dishwasher and when you open it back up your head will be all smooshed up and I will laugh so hard until I die.'"

So, I'm not quite sure what the media is teaching our children but divorce sounds pretty abusive and traumatic from the perspective of a 5 year old.

Reflections on the Lazy River

Yesterday was the last day of Lazy River’s 2010 season. I wanted to share a few special memories.

The Old Man

The old man faithfully attended every Saturday. He would wear very short swim trunks, more like running shorts. The disturbing thing about them was not even the length. It was that the color matched his skin tone. So, from far away you thought the old man was naked. Despite how disturbing this visual was, we persevered and continued to go to the pool.

The Inappropriate Man

Yesterday was special because I did what Rebecca always does, talk too loud. One of my friends was telling me that the old man came in a different swim suit. Then I shouted, “Oh my gosh! Did you see that man in the bright orange Speedo?” Right at that moment, we floated right past him. I was embarrassed because I’m sure he heard but maybe next season he’ll come in something a little less flashy. PS- he was there with his 10 year daughter. Poor child!

Inspiration

The lazy river has also been a place of inspiration for me and my friends. I’m sure you have all heard that shallow people talk about things, normal people talk about people, but great people talk about ideas. Well, the lazy river is where discussions about things and people evolved to a discussion of ideas. Now, when boys go to the pool, they don’t check out other boys, but girls play a game called, “real boobs, fake boobs?” In this game we check out women who have big boobs and try to determine if they are real or fake. Often comments are made like, “boobs that size can’t be that shape” or “those boobs sit way too high for her age.” Then we were discussing how boobs are not that bad. They are actually in probably the most convenient place God could have but them. I suggested the back may have been a better place (have you ever tried to play golf? Sometimes they get in the way). My friends quickly corrected me that if they were on the back it would be difficult to breast feed. Good point. So then I suggest that rather than have a boob job, they should make detachable boobs. Wouldn’t it be great if you could take them off to run and do sports? I thought I was really on to something when someone suggested the inflatable boob. What if you had this little pump that could inflate and deflate your boobs? Kind of like the sleep number mattress. You could control the firmness and everything! Also, they could advertise it like, “Do you have trouble finding clothes to fit you? What if you could you change to fit the clothes?” Shopping for women can be tedious. The dress or shirt doesn’t fit because your boobs are too small or too big. Your buttons pull or pop off because you can’t find a shirt that fits both your shoulders and your chest size. Wouldn’t it be great if you could just adjust yourself? Anyway, I’m thinking we might need to get a copyright or patent this idea. This could really go big.

So, thank you lazy river for all the sun, fun, and inspiration. I’ll see you again in March.

No, I will not send you a dirty picture!

Tonight, I was listening to the radio while driving to zumba and a new song came on, "Take a dirty picture for me, Take a dirty picture." I thought, "Did I just hear right?" Yes, oh yes, I did. Here are the lyrics to this song. In italics, you will see my comments about this song.

Dirty Picture (first off, what do you mean by "dirty"? Do you mean when I'm sweaty after I work out? Or when I'm covered in dirt because I was weeding the garden? When I just mowed the lawn and have grass clippings all over me?)

I could dream of ways to see you (creepy!)
I could close my eyes to dream (okay?)
I could fantasize about you (sounds like you already do. Did I give you permission to do that?)

Tell the world what I believe (what kind of beliefs are we talking about here? This does not sound religious)
But whenever I'm not with you (I'm so glad there are times when I am not with you!)
It's so hard for me to see (Do you need contacts?)
I need to see a picture of you (uh, hello? Facebook! I've posted hundreds of pictures)
A special picture just for me, yeah (You are special but that doesn't mean you get a picture)

So take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Just take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Just send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture
Just send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture
(What does that mean? And if you are referring to a picture of me nude, I'm insulted. When I'm naked, I'm usually very clean cause I'm either in the shower, or I just got out of the shower. And, do you think I am deaf? How many times do you have to say that you want a picture? I heard you, I'm just ignoring you!)

Snap. (Oh no, you did not just say "snap" to me!)
Uh. (are you grunting?)

Whenever you are gone, I just wanna be wit ya (wish the feelings were mutual...)
Please don't get me wrong, I just wanna see a picture (Get you wrong? I don't understand. That statement is not able to mean more than one thing.)

Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
(Here we go again! Really, you are sooooo needy! Stop already!)

Whenever you are gone, I just wanna be wit ya
Please don't get me wrong, I just wanna see your picture
(Do you have amnesia? You just said that)

Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture

(No. Plus, how am I supposed to take a decent picture of myself? It's not like a have a tripod set up)

The dream of ways to see you
I could close my eyes to dream
Fantasize about this with you
But the way is never seen

(You sound like a 13 year old boy. A real man should never sound so desperate.)

Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Just send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture
Send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture

(You have just proven to me that not only are you socially impaired, you also are unoriginal and have an extremely low IQ)

So, I hope to hear songs with better lyrics in the future cause this one sucked. I felt like I was in a hallway at a middle school. I really expect more from artists, but obviously my expectations were too high.

Come On!

By popular request, I am creating another blog post. At first I felt uninspired but alas, a conversation with a good friend lit a fire underneath me. Today I will discuss what you can call laziness or stupidity. Now you're wondering where I'm going...You guessed right. Men! Now I'm not much of a male basher because I actually love men but there are some men that just don't seem to get it. What don't they get? How to get girl. I will site some case studies to prove that men make a simple task very hard. Women may be difficult but we have given men a clear road map and for some reason, they don't use. It's called a "chick flick."

Case Study #1

We will call him RR. RR is a good looking man. He's super fun, has a good job. He's approaching 30 though I'm not quite sure of his age. RR does the typical, "I will date 18-year-olds until one magically has the brain of a 28 year old woman." Sorry buddy! Not gonna happen. Her brain is not fully developed and won't be for another 2 or 3 years. She may have the body you've been dying to make love to, but guess what! She doesn't wanna make love to you! She just stopped playing barbies. So, dear RR, you'll find your special one when you start to date girls a little closer to your age and stage in life.

Case Study #2

We'll call him Fat Truck with a little guy. Now this guy is new on the scene and decides to pull out all the stupid lines like, "You have beautiful eyes" or "We should make out." Yeah...right. Hun, you are gonna need some new material because we've heard it! This may work on the other girls but for those who have been around the block a time or two, we know what you want and it is not our eyes. Stop looking at my backside, perv.

Case Study #3

Army guy. Now this guy had taken out a friend to dinner a couple times and then had the audacity to ask, "So, when are you going to put out?" Really? Did you really just say that? Oh, yes you did. I don't know what kind of trauma you've been in serving in the army and I don't care how many push ups you can do, there is no way any girl should give you the time of day. I have name for you. It starts with A and ends with S.S. Hole.

The following aren't case studies but these are some great quotes from boys who are real masters of the English language.

"You're kissable, just not dateble"

"You're smart and sexy, it just didn't work out for you"

"It's awkward hanging out with you."

"I'm sorry I didn't call, I've been really busy. My cat died."

Okay, now that I've proven that some men are scum, I'm going to let men in on a secret. That stuff you see in the movies? Well, it works! Taking us on a date and paying for it? That works. Opening doors? That works. Buying flowers? That works. Chocolate? Heck yes! Romance? Yeah, that works too. Listening when we babble on? That works. Pretending like you like our families or that you fit in with our friends? That works. So there you have it.

The young Rebecca

My parents came out for Labor Day weekend and brought all my photo albums and memorabilia. There was so much stuff, so I went through it in efforts to get rid of the junk. I came across I few interesting things.

First, was my hero paper. Now, typically a kid might choose a parent or superhero, but not Rebecca. I chose Jay Leno. And I quote:

"I think Jay Leno is the best out of the other comedians because I can understand his jokes."

"I chose Jay Leno as my hero because not very many people would think of him as a hero, but to me he is. He's a hero because he makes me feel relaxed and gets rid of my anger and sadness. I admire for being able to do this just by telling funny jokes. He might not seem to be a hero because he didn't save lives or discover anything important, but to me being able to make people laugh and cheer them up is heroic to me."

I don't really know how to comment on that, but wow.

Second, was an entry in a book each student made for himself. This entry was the "all about me" section.

"My first word was cookie. I began to walk at 13 months. I went to Lutheran preschool, and my best friend was Stephanie. In preschool I had a crush on this boy, I don't remember his name, but when he cried I didn't like him anymore."

Well, I like my men a little tougher. Don't judge me for being insensitive.

Last is an excerpt from a book of self-written poems.

I am a parrot, talking all the time.

I am a snake, having a long tongue.

I am a horse, galloping across the finish line.

I am an alligator, laying in the sun.

I am a monkey, making faces.

I am a kangaroo, jumping around in the day.

I am a giraffe, burping a lot.

I am an eagle, flying high above the clouds.

My personal favorites are the snake and giraffe. It seems as though I was picking the animals because I really did exhibit similar behaviors but the last one talks about flying like an eagle. That never happened. Just don't want you to be confused...but the rest are true.

Reflections on a disturbed childhood

When I reflect back on my childhood, it is typically with fond memories. However, this weekend my parents came to visit and brought my old art projects, which made me question just how great my childhood was. Here are some pieces of my original art. Let's examine these together.

First, we have the pooposaurus. I'm pretty sure that I meant for this to be a dinosaur but it sure looks a lot like feces. I think it means that subconciously, my childhood was crappy.

Next, we have a picture that might look more familiar. I think this is my interpretation of minnie mouse. I'm guessing that the reactions of my classmates and parents when they saw their daughter brought home poop was very traumatic, for both me and everyone else. So, I probably decided to do something less original and more socially acceptable.

Next, we have a little oil lamp. For some reason, this reminds me of Judaism. When I was in grade school there was a secret part of me that really wanted to be Jewish. I had a lot of Jewish friends growing up, but I wanted to be Jewish mostly because of that sweet "Dreidel, dreidel" song we sang every holiday season.

Now, after seeing this, I'm bitter I didn't copy write this face. It looks just like the lemur king off Madagascar. I think this truly captures who I am on the inside. A jungle animal that likes to move it! Just kidding...or am I? I had a friend once tell me that if I was an animal I would be a lemur, so who knows?

This one must have been made during a really rough time. I have no explaination but he is smiling, so I wasn't quite suicidal.

I think around age 9, I was possibly exploring the possibility of becoming a clown. I mean, I already had the white skin, so why not color on my face a little too?

Now, last but definitely not least! I think I was in junior high when I made this. I wish I could say I was on acid but I wasn't. To me this seriously looks like Satan's steed. It looks like the offspring of a goat and unicorn couple who then mated with an orc.

So now you know the real reason I went into therapy. Looks like I've been needing it for quite some time now!

I feel like a rockstar

Whenever I go to my sister's house I feel like a rockstar. As I pull up in the car, they are watching through the blinds...as I walk down the sidewalk, I begin to hear screaming and laughing. As I approach the door step, they swing open the door. One usually becomes shy but the other two run up and begin to hug and kiss me. Then, Dallin will get excited and run around and start to lift up his shirt--now rockstars always get people doing that to them! Anyway, this doorway greeting makes me feel special everytime and it always makes me laugh.