Wyatt's first birthday!

Well, Wyatt had his first birthday about a week ago. Isaac's parents came in town for the birthday weekend. Lucky for us, they brought our adorable niece, and Wyatt's cousin, Leila! She is such a happy baby and is such a joy to be around. Just look at how cute she is in these next few photos.

Leila loves to clap, especially when she sees that the adults around her are getting excited about something.

I made a Texas Sheet Cake for my Texan baby!

Wyatt and his parents. You can see that Wyatt already dug his little fingers into the cake.

 "Um, I think I like cake."

"Cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Wyatt pretty much ate his whole piece of cake. He was a little energetic afterward.

Our messy Wyatt then got to take a bath. Wyatt loves the bath so he was on cloud nine; cake and a bath!

Wyatt is such a joy! He is walking along furniture and is trying to stand on his own. We think he will start to walk in the next few months. Wyatt loves to crawl throughout the house and open all the cupboards. He loves to open and close doors. I call him a gentleman because he always gets the door for me when we are walking out of a room. Wyatt also takes a lot of pride in his ability to turn out the lights and fan in the bathroom. He smiles at himself in the mirror as he watches himself turn off the lights when we leave the bathroom after he has had a bath. Wyatt can wave hi and bye, say "Dada" and "Mama" (though it isn't directed at us yet), and clap his hands. Wyatt is also working on blowing kisses. Wyatt finally loves to cuddle. For the longest time, Wyatt never wanted to cuddle with us but now he can sit still and snuggle up. Nothing is better than having your baby cuddle up next to you. Wyatt can also give kisses when we ask him for one, but he sticks out his tongue so it can be kind of shocking. Wyatt is such a good tempered child and I feel so lucky to be his mom and see him grow.

Happy Birthday to my sweet Wyatt!

I dress up, but I don't dress up for you

Remember when you were little and your mom asked you to change into your "play clothes"? I do. Your mom probably asked you to do that because different activities often require a different type of clothing. Since becoming a mom, I have noticed that some moms judge other moms for not dressing nice enough. I'm sorry if my sweatpants offend you. I'm sorry if you don't like my air-dried hair. I'm sorry if it bothers you that I'm not wearing make up. I am in the season of sweatpants. That's right. Now, maybe you got married at 20 and started having children, so I understand that you would still like to dress up. I got married at age 27. That means six years of school, two years of full time work, and a year and half serving a church mission which required that I wear a dress or skirt EVERYDAY! Don't get me wrong, I still like to wear skirts and go shopping. But after years and years of having to dress up everyday, I relish in the fact that I get to choose my own dress code. 

Now, I don't live in sweatpants but when I'm home all day doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, and playing with my child, I am probably wearing sweat pants. I dress up when I go to work. I dress up if I go out with my husband. I dress up if I meet a friend for lunch. But I do not dress up for other people. I've heard that women dress for other women. Maybe that is true, but not here. I'll give you an example. Last week I took my child to playgroup. He loves being around other kids and it is nice to be able to talk to some adults since I only work one day a week. Well, at playgroup you see different kinds of moms. Now, I'm not judging anyone in particular because if someone is really dressed up they might have somewhere to go afterwards. I don't know what their plans are. And I totally understand that maybe you also wear sweatpants everyday and maybe you just wanted an excuse to wear normal clothes. But, there are moms that dress to impress, and there are moms that are secretly competing with you. Maybe on the playground, maybe while picking up their kids from school, wherever. You know, when I went to play group this week I wore jeans...because I couldn't find any clean sweatpants! Ha! And you know, if you find me wearing workout clothes, it isn't because I worked out. It's because they are comfortable and they come from a time when I used to work out. 

Here's the thing, I personally don't care if someone judges me for wearing sweatpants but there are a lot of moms out there that are giving their all to their children and they may not be able to afford the nice clothes that you can afford. These moms may have a difficult child, and something as simple as a shower may be a personal victory. So don't be that mom who judges another mom for not being in style. She doesn't need to turn heads, she doesn't need to compete. If she wants to dress nice because it makes her feel good about herself, more power to her. But she doesn't need anyone making her feel inferior. And if she is being judged other moms it is probably for one of two reasons: 1) They are trying to make themselves feel better by comparing or 2) they are jealous that the other mom doesn't care what everyone else thinks and they wish they were as comfortable as she is. 

Because, after all, sweatpants are where it is at.

My child's first tantrum

Wyatt's first birthday is just a few days away, so today we went shopping for birthday gifts and party decor. A few months ago, I saw these cute John Deere toys at Tractor Supply that I knew Wyatt would love. So we went into Tractor Supply to buy the gift. Isaac had to run to the bathroom, so I pushed Wyatt in his stroller over to the toys. I picked up the toy and noticed a little section in the store that had a bunch of toys that were bargain toys. They sold some tall tubes filled with different groupings of animals like farm, safari, horses, etc. I grabbed the tube and gave it to Wyatt to see if he thought it was cool. Wyatt loved it! So once I saw he liked it, I took it away and the crying began. He was so loud and I didn't want to bother the other customers, so I gave the toy back. Isaac came and found us and took the toy from Wyatt and he started to throw the fit again. Isaac said, "Let him throw the tantrum." I felt so dumb. I felt dumb because I am a therapist, right? I am constantly telling parents that they shouldn't give into their children, and what did I do? I allowed Wyatt's screaming to stress me out and I just gave in. I didn't think even think. It happened so fast. I was so worried about Wyatt's tantrum bothering other people, I put Wyatt last. I didn't think about the lesson Wyatt needed to learn. After Isaac had taken away the toy, Wyatt threw his little tantrum but calmed down relatively quickly. I'm grateful for my husband and that he was there so that we did the right thing for Wyatt. I'm also glad that I'll get another chance to properly react to the situation. I know that just because I am therapist doesn't mean that I will be the perfect wife or the perfect parent. It helps to have studied about relationships but just like everyone else, I still have to learn how to apply my knowledge to real life situations.    

And here we have Idaho...

Ever since I was a young child my family made the trip out to the Utah/Idaho area to visit family each year. My mom was born in Pocatello, so I have lots of fond memories of visiting Idaho. If it was winter, we often made a trip up to Sun Valley to go skiing. When my mom was young, my grandfather bought some land and built a cabin in Sun Valley. Sun Valley has become more popular in recent years, but I remember mentioning the name as a kid and everyone acting clueless. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis and Demi Moore used to have houses there (I'm not sure that they do now), and as children we spotted Arnold Schwarzenegger, Courtney Cox, and Robert Redford on the ski slopes. My mom tells stories of chasing Robert Redford down the ski slopes as a kid, although I think that was actually at the ski resort Targhee. When we'd visit Idaho, we would fly into Salt Lake City and drive two hours to Pocatello, Whenever we'd cross the border my mom would sing the Idaho State song, "And here we have Idaho, winning her way to fame..." I was so excited to be able to take Isaac and Wyatt there and show them a little bit of my childhood. Here are some pictures from our amazing summer vacation.

Wyatt and Kayla Rae

Teething together

Kayla Rae is so cute. She is one of the smiliest babies!

There are five kids in my family and we each had a baby this past year! It was so fun to have them all together!

Oh my cuteness! "Let me get that for you..."

Caroline and Kayla Rae

Eating Pizza our first night at Sun Valley

I absolutely love this photo! It seems so classic to me. My two main men!

Grandma with the babes

I know you shouldn't have favorites, but my nephew Alex stole my heart away when he was only about six months. There is just something so sweet and so special about this kid. 

Eating lunch. If you know my family, and particularly my mother, one thing you know about my family is that food will be done right! Tasty sandwiches, treats-galor, and fresh cut veggies keep everyone smiling.

Maybe I'm mean, but I love when babies cry. I think their cry faces are too cute!

With my boy at Red Fish Lake.

Family photo

Wyatt and Jake

They will not stop...

Jake seems to be bothered that we are still taking pictures...
Wyatt looks drunk off the joy of putting the blind cords in his mouth

Wyatt is amused by the simple things in life.

What is better than your aunt giving you a pedicure? This is my beautiful niece Elizabeth.
I can't believe how grown up she is!

Game night! One my favorite parts about the trip was that after the kids went to sleep, the adults would stay up and play fun board games. Lots of laughter! 

The men went on a bike ride one morning. Isaac decided to do a manly pose. We teased my brother about those biker shorts. I guess they have a padded butt so we will excuse him for the indecent exposure. 

"May the force be with you, young child."

It was a race up the stairs!

Sun Valley Lodge

Few things are scarier than riding a tandem bicycle when you are not the one controlling the handle bars. Do I trust Isaac? You should have asked me before we got on the bike. There was a lot of screaming, wobbling, and laughing. 

Caroline has the most adorable smile. Look at all those teeth!

Girls!

Jake and Wyatt really bonded on this trip.

It was nurse fest at the beach but the babies were happy. Here are all the moms with the babies!

Our first family photo with everyone and their spouses that was not at a wedding

Another family photo at the cabin

My little family

"Women! This one is a cry baby and this other one is trying to snag the piece of grass that I picked!"

Babies!

Wyatt's expression: "Are these girls bi-polar?"

Caroline's answer, "We're women, silly!"

Another family photo

This is my grandfather's old ford galaxy. It was pretty fun to cruise in this antique.

Snuggling!

People often say that Rachel and I look alike so when we saw that this mannequin was wearing a similar outfit to what Rachel was wearing we tried to see if we did look alike.

waiting to take sibling pics

waiting...

Tada! In birth order.

For fun! Brett wasn't excited about this pose but majority rules!

We had to get Baldy (the ski slope) in the background!

Here is a little sneak into our family dynamics. I'm the middle child, could you tell?
I have to get attention somehow, right?

Well, I had so much fun spending time with my family. Sometimes I get so bogged down in the day-to-day that I forget how much I miss my family and how wonderful it is to be with them.  The trip was so much fun and Isaac fell in love with Idaho. We drove the whole 20 hours there and back. Wyatt was a champ and was so content to ride in his car-seat. He slept well and played well. We really have been blessed with such a calm, easy-going baby. And even though you hear about couples that can't travel together without fighting, Isaac and I really enjoy traveling together. We like to find good eats to make the journey more exciting. It is also fun to listen to music and comedy together, something we don't really get to do on a daily basis. This trip was even better because there was so much scenery to enjoy. It is tough driving such a long way but I'm grateful that I have a family that makes it so enjoyable.

Round Four

And so it begins again! Yesterday, Isaac brought home a calf. I felt a little unsure about trying this a fourth time but one day in I'm already invested. I told Isaac and that I wasn't going to name the calf for two weeks (by then we would know if the calf would survive). But today while I was bottle feeding the calf, the name "Harold" came to mind. So, meet Harold, or Harry for short. Isaac sprayed Harold down yesterday because he had been pretty messy from all the mud that the rain has brought us. He looks so cute! Today he mooed while I was feeding him. So cute! I appreciate Harry because he doesn't smell as bad as the other calves we have tried to raise. Harry also has more promise because we know he was with his mom at least three days at the feed lot. When we brought him home his poo was the color that indicates that he had been nursing which means he got the liquid gold, aka colostrum. So far he seems strong. He sucks way better than the other calves. I don't have to wrestle him to get him to take a bottle. And, unlike some of the other calves, Harry still has his tail and he can see. I feel that out of all the calves, Harold has the most promise but we shall see. My hopes are already up! Here are a few photos of Harold.

Harold walking among the weeds. The weeds provide him some shade, so he is into that.

This is what Harold looks like from behind, just in case you wanted proof that he has a tail.

You will have to look closely here but our dog Snax is licking Harold. Aw, they are kissing! Snax tries to lick Harold and the bottle when I bottle feed Harold. I think Snax is just trying to get the access milk that drops. It's kind of gross.

Anyway, now that it is summer and warmer, hopefully Harold will make it!

The Way I Am

They tell me I should strive for a gap between my legs,
and nip and tuck and stuff myself till I am the right shape.

If my hair is brown, then "dye it blond!" cause then I'd have more fun,
Cause what fun can you have with color of the dust where you came from?

Botox can fill the lines and a knife puts things back in place,
but all this would erase the history of the expressions on my face.

My stretch marks may be scars to some, but they are my victory stamp
of children born and muscles gained sprinting at field hockey camp.

And what about that double chin that shows up in photos?
I'll hold on to the extra fat for a rainy day, I suppose.

My arms may be too short and not thin enough for some.
They carry a twenty pound baby until he learns to walk and run.

I'm lucky that my teeth were straight and no braces did I need,
but they never will be white enough to be smiling on TV.

My average five foot four frame is to short to model clothes,
but my frame is always the right size when my husband pulls me in real close.

Thank goodness I am well-endowed cause a B cup is too small,
cause the fact that any size can feed a baby is not good enough for all.

They built a bed where I can lie to change the color of my skin,
since pale is beauty of the past, and fair is out and tan is in.

You'll never see my hands model nail polish or rings,
the veins pop out because you see, I cook too many things.

And some day you might find me with an arthritic pinky just like my mom,
but I'll show it off with pride and joy to the grandkids that come along.

Pictures burn, computers crash, and in a second memories fade,
but my body is my daily witness of the life that I have made.

It may have scars to mark the past, and wrinkles mark the days,
but I'll keep the imperfections passed on from the genes from which I was made.

I am a Crandall and a Nielson, a combination of the two,
the evolution of these genes is bigger than me and you.

So don't tell me that I need to change, I'm great the way I am,
God knew what he was doing when he created the evolution of man.

I'm scared

Today I'm going to share a little secret with you: I'm scared. 

About a year and a half ago, I looked down and saw those two beautiful lines. We were going to have a baby. Shortly thereafter, I did some research like any responsible mom-to-be would do. I found out that I needed to sleep on my side, and not just any side, preferably the left. I always slept on my right side, so I was going to have to switch. It was hard to fall asleep on my left side. Would my baby get enough blood flow if I'm lying on my right side? 

Most women know that they shouldn't drink alcohol or smoke while pregnant. Nowadays, you get on the Internet to discover that your favorite turkey sandwich could cause you to miscarry. As you talk with other moms, you find out that the list goes on and on. I remember the day I found out that I should not use my facial cleanser because it contained salicylic acid. This facial care regimen had been the only one in years that controlled my acne and I was going to have to give it up too? Or I might kill my baby?! I'd had enough. I used my cleanser.

But the truth is, I felt guilty. All the articles had scared me. I was so scared that anything I do might jeopardize the life that was growing inside me. But it didn't stop there. After Wyatt was born I was so worried that he would die of SIDS. Now he is nine months old and the worry doesn't go away. Some may say, "Oh, that is part of being a mother." But I don't think it is. I think it is part of living in the world today.

We know so much today. Studies upon studies are being published. I remember years ago when "they" came out and said that eggs were bad for your health. Now eggs are great for your health. Vaccines cause autism. Now that has been dis-proven (or so they say). I am part of a Facebook group of mothers who use natural methods to treat their families. Many of them are against vaccinations and much of modern medicine. I remember being a kid and knowing "medicine is good" and it will make you feel better. Now, I feel like I can never know if the remedy is better than the problem. And this is why I'm scared. All this research and knowledge feels paralyzing. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. And that is really scary as a mom because you make a lot of decisions for this little life that has been entrusted to you. 

There is the phrase that knowledge is power. But is it? If knowledge is power, then why, in this information age, do I feel so weak? In my opinion, we may know more today, but we are more anxious than ever before. I should know, I'm a therapist. You would think that I would have learned how to cure my own anxiety. In today's world, there is always someone who is ready to tell us how to live life better, how to eat better, how to exercise better, how to look younger, how to parent better. It is hard to just "be" when there are so many messages telling you "Do this! Don't do that!" I wish I could say that the messages don't penetrate through my skull but they do, and they have made me more anxious than I've ever been in the past. 

The other day I was thinking about when I was a kid. We had convinced my mom to let us get a trampoline. I had always been a more cautious child but I had worked my way up to trying more daring acrobats on the trampoline. I could finally do the back flip. Then one day, I landed on my head. I got so scared that I might break my neck that I never did a back flip again. Now, trampolines are dangerous and I could have broken my neck but as I look back on that day, I cry. I cry because I realize that I let the fear win. And though my circumstances are different now, the fear still wins sometimes robbing me of peace. 

Two days ago, Isaac and I brought Wyatt into our room and we were all just hanging out on the bed. Wyatt was being his adorable self and Isaac and I were smiling and laughing as we enjoyed watching him play. Isaac said to me, "I hope we get to enjoy him for a long time." When he said this, it made me sad but it also gave me peace. It made me sad because I realized that I don't get to decide how long Wyatt is in my life. But it gave me peace because I also realized the truth. Isaac and I don't own Wyatt. He isn't some possession that I own or control. He is an individual soul that God has entrusted to me and Isaac. Once I began to see it from this new perspective, I gained peace and felt grateful that Wyatt is in my life at all. In moments like these, I am grateful to have a spouse who is strong where I am weak.

For a while now, I have thought that I need to work on managing my stress and anxiety. I know it is important for me, as a mother, to be focused and living in the moment. I can't remember if I heard this somewhere or if it was my own thought, but I deeply believe in what I am about to say. I can never expect my child to be more than what I am. If I am not honest, if I am not kind, I can't expect my child to be honest or kind. And if I am insecure or anxious or any other thing, I shouldn't be surprised to find that my child struggles with these same things. So knowing that I'm easily stressed and anxious about living in today's world, I'm going to do what I can to find courage and peace. I may not cure myself of anxiety but I will be that much closer, and hopefully, my children will be too.