The 11th commandment

Thou shalt not covet thy co-workers lunch.

So at my new office, the break room aromas always float into the office. Every now and then, the smells are gross but more often than not, those lunches heating up in the communal microwave drive my taste buds wild! I start to feel disappointed that my lunch is just a sandwich...what are these leftovers my coworkers are reheating?! Then, for one reason or another I have to enter the other room and what do I behold? LEAN CUISINE! I've been deceived!!!! Here I've been coveting this aromatic meal only to find that there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! While these little diet meals smell scrumptious, I know from personal experience that they do not taste the way they smell. In fact, they lack taste at all. So of course what does Rebecca do when there is no flavor? Add salt. But there is already so much sodium to preserve these frozen meals. There goes my heart.

By the way...how long have these been frozen? And once you eat that little "meal" you see why it's a diet food. Cause I'm not satisfied! Didn't taste good. Still not full. I need two more of those to feel full. Maybe I'm high maintenance but on this there will be no compromise. I will never pretend to be content with such a lunch. However, it is comforting to know that although these smells make me jealous, I can rest assured that I've got the real thing...real food.

And since we are on the subject of food. Let's talk about my stalkers. The first stalker is actually a stocker. Yes, I'm talking about the guy who stocks the vending machine. I thought it was just an old man thinking a younger girl was sweet but turns out this 50 year old really does want to take me out. Luckily he told my coworker that his cutoff is 30. He has told everyone in the office that he likes me. I'm half his age. Gross! The truth of the matter is, I attract creepy old men. And all this time I've been wondering why the stars just aren't aligning for me. It's because I'm not creepy and old yet! I feel so much better now that I know.

Second stalker I've never met. He actually stalks my sister at the grocery store in Texas. She told him she had a younger sister and he jumped on that. The other day he caught her at the store and started asking her about her weekend and when she told him she went to her sister's wedding he looked devastated. The crazy thing is that he has never met me or even seen a picture. Now I know my personality has an aura that can reach far away places but Texas is pushing it. Now, my sister is super cute but that is a little presumptuous for him to think that I am just because she is! He was relieved to find out that it was not me who married.

Why do food men like me? Is it because I love to cook? Is it because I love to eat? All I know is if one of those guys tries to give me a lean cuisine. he's gonna get a punch in the face!

Always a bridesmaid?

I just attended my younger sister's wedding and next week I will be attending my best friend's wedding. Now, single girls often joke at a time like this, "Oh, I'm always the bridesmaid, never the bride." So, when this thought popped in my head last week, I thought, "Well shoot, it could be worse. It could be: 'always the bride, never the bridesmaid.' Now that would really suck. How many times could you be the bride? How many times could you get it wrong?" Unfortunately, some people do know the answer to this question.

Weddings are interesting for the single woman. My favorite activity is the catching of the bouquet. I always try to avoid this activity. When I was little I thought it was fun but now it's just awkward. There is a reason I only played softball for one year in the first grade. I can't catch. Your whole life you grow up being teased, "you throw like a girl!" or "you can't catch!" And then what does society do? Tells you that you better catch this odd shaped bouquet of flowers in 4 inch heals with 20 other girls pushing you out of the way OR you might not get married. What the heck?

Well, I did participate but luckily it wasn't thrown anywhere near me. Not because I don't want to get married, but because how embarrassing if I dropped it! Well, my sister threw it too high and it hit the ceiling and some little girl picked it up off the floor. My cute niece was so distraught that she didn't catch the bouquet that she started to cry. Then she came up to me and asked that I would throw my bouquet to her when I get married. So cute.

Complex Candy and the New Office

So, I just recently transferred offices. I now work at the airport location for Enterprise. It's been fun to go back to the airport cause I know quite a few people there but I also get to meet new people. Today, I felt just like in the new girl in grade school. The new girl was always instantly popular and everyone wanted to be friends with her. Well, today all these men kept talking to me. I thought to myself, if I was ugly, they'd probably just say welcome and go about their business. Now, I may sound vain for saying that but the way you look really does change the way others relate to you. If a man is taller or wearing a suit, you automatically treat him with more respect. You are more likely to have a longer conversation with someone you find attractive than one you don't. Now, I'm not going to use my looks to manipulate others but today they did persuade one man into giving me some gifts.

My favorite guy today was the man who stocks the vending machine. He kept asking me about myself and he gave me all this free food: hostess cupcakes, skittles, twizzlers, and gum. Now this was a little creepy cause he is probably 50 or 60 years old. Now, these gifts might win over another girl but these gifts were not my favorite. \

I hate Hostess. Hostess is a mockery of the art of baking. Those are not cupcakes, impostors! I can't believe people actually put those in their mouth and think, "this tastes good." Now, I am so utterly amazed by the human body but I can't believe that such a magnificent creation accepts hostess products and does not utterly reject them through violent vomiting. Consequently, I gave the cupcakes to a friend. I guess that was mean. I should have given them to someone I don't like.

The candy. Now, of course they couldn't be regular skittles or twizzlers. For some reason candy manufacturers think, "Our product is awesome. Let's do something crazy to it!" Okay, the chewy is not better, the sour is not better, the dark chocolate is not better, the white chocolate is not better. The original way is the best, that's why you did it that way in the first place.

The twizzlers were wack. It was like sour ooze in the middle of a crappy piece of licorice.

On the other hand, the skittles had some merit. It was fizzle sour tropical skittles. So it was your typical tropical skittle covered with sour pop rock stuff. You remember the wonder of pop rocks? It was like a party in my mouth! But the whole experience was confusing. At first it's exciting, this little piece of candy makes your tongue fizzle, but then you taste the sour, and you're thinking, "what the heck just happened?" Then, finally you taste the skittle and you're shocked by the familiar taste. Now, at this point you think, "uh, that was weird. I don't think I like these." But the next thing you know, you have another skittle in your mouth. You've been so confused by the first try, you've got to make sure you don't like them. So, you keep eating them. You share a few with your friends to see their reactions. You think, "Should I like these, should I not like these? Will my friends like these? Will they say I'm crazy? I don't know how I feel about these skittles! I need validation! Can anyone support me liking this ambiguous form of sugar that reacts with the saliva on my tongue?"

So, yes, I hate this new candy thing. And that old man has no chance with me now. Women like flowers and chocolates for a reason. They are simple. That's why we like men, they are simple. I am complex...do I really need to add to that with candy? I already have a difficult time making decisions, don't confuse me anymore!

If I had a million dollars...

If I had a million dollars,

If I had a million dollars,

I would buy you a fur coat,

but not a real fur coat, that's cruel...

Some of you might recognize this famous song by the Barenaked Ladies. Now, I think this is an important question each of us should address. What would I do if I had a million dollars? Now some of us might say, I'd give it to charity because we'd all like to think of ourselves as selfless. BUT that is a cop-out answer. I'm putting stipulations on this. This one million dollars can't be given to others. So...

If I had a million dollars, I'd

• get a full body massage weekly
• get a facial monthly
• get pedicures and manicures weekly
• eat salmon every week
• buy a modest size home with a gourmet kitchen
• buy a soft-serve ice cream machine I could keep in my house
• buy a Mercedes Benz
• buy a nice bike and take up the sport
• visit Brazil, Western Europe, and New Zealand
• ski the Alps
• buy a boat and learn to water ski

There you have it. Now you know that I like to be pampered but keep active and love travel, good food, and a smooth ride.

Now I just need to earn that million...

Santa Maria and the Minivan

I have something more to confess. . .

First, a Santa Maria air freshener hangs from my rear view mirror. Each day on my way to work I sing to Maria. You may wonder where she came from and ironically, we met in Las Vegas at McDonald's. My friend gave her to me in the parking lot there and told me the virgin would bring me good luck. And...she has! I always find great parking spots now! So, although I don't believe in worshipping Mother Mary, this little air freshener has improved my quality of life...you may want to think about getting yourself a little Santa Maria air freshener.

Second, I love the minivan. I know SUVs are the new rave and that minivans are for "less cool" moms but I am feeling the minivan! Let me tell you why I love the minivan.

1. It's the perfect height off the ground. You don't have to jump up into it or bend down to get in, you just slide right on in.
2. It's comfortable for all passengers.
3. You don't have to wait for someone to get out and bend up their chair so you can get out of the back seat.
4. The doors are electric...boogie woogie woogie!
5. Children think minivans are the coolest thing ever!
6. The minivan does not falsely make lame-o people look cool or rich like an Escalade does.
7. Gas mileage is considerably decent.
8. Minivans are great for road trips.
9. Minivans are more eco friendly than SUVs.
10. Maximum luggage space without having to drive around a semi truck's baby.

Now, I don't mean to knock the SUV because they are great for going up into the mountains and towing boats and such, but let's be honest. . .it's a status symbol for most people. So, you may think you look cooler in an SUV and you might, but then you have me wondering if you ever looked cool before you got into the SUV.

Oh, I feel better now.

Thanksgiving in March

Today I made a turkey. Now, I put the turkey in the refrigerator on Thursday night because I wanted to cook it on Sunday while I was at church. So this morning I pull out the turkey to start seasoning it. First things first, I needed to take out the innards. There was this strange plastic thing binding the legs, so I had to get rid of that. Now it looked like a could just rip it out but of course it wasn't that easy. So I whipped out the scissors to cut it but that was when I realized that this plastic thing was going to be more complicated to remove because the turkey was still frozen on the inside. So, I keep trying to pull the legs apart so I can get inside the turkey's cavity. Finally I get my hand in only to realize there is ice everywhere. So I let the turkey sit in water for about an hour.

Return to the turkey
So my second attempt to remove the unwanted body parts was more promising. Finally I am able to chip away the ice and I find this large bone right in the middle. So I start pulling on it trying to get it out. I don't know why, but I really didn't know what this bone was. I was thinking "why is there a bone smack dab in the middle of the turkey's cavity?" Hmm. Well, my hands kept slipping and I couldn't get it out for a while. mind you I'm splashing water all over the place. Finally, I get it out and realize it was the neck as I see the curved end, which explains why it didn't come straight out.

Buttering up the turkey
So now I put some butter on my hands and stick my hands in between the skin and breast trying to butter it up and get some spices in there. I'm pretty sure you are supposed to use sage and rosemary but I forgot to buy those, so I used thyme and bay leaves. Well, I'm coming from the behind and realize that the skin doesn't let up all the way from that end so then I try to find an opening at the head of the turkey where I can get the butter and spices in between the skin and turkey breast. So, now I'm buttering up the turkey from the head and I notice this paper sticking out. I was thinking, "why'd they put paper in the turkey?" So I pull on it, and what comes out? Yep, the gizzards.

So finally, it's ready and I stick it in the oven. Now I let it cook while I was at church and that little poppy thing never popped up. So I didn't really know when it was done. I think I cooked it a little too long but it turned out alright. The most exciting part was when I used the baster to get some juices to make gravy and accidentally sprayed my friend.

Well, the rolls, potatoes, and yams turned out great and the turkey wasn't too dry. Yes, we skipped the stuffing. I know, it's crime to make a Thanksgiving dinner without stuffing. I also know it is weird to have Thanksgiving in March but it's also weird that girls dream about their boyfriends turning into vampires.

Shout out to Alicia Keys

I have a friend that loves loves hip hop and jazz. She introduced me to this awesome song by Alicia Keys. She hit it right on the head. So for all you young lovers out there, here is the key to relationship bliss. . . and don't worry, we were singing this song with all the soul that two white girls can possibly muster. To say the least, our stoplight neighbors were entertained.

Click below to be enlightened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtMUIwOE2ss

Confessions of a Chocoholic

So, a blog is a great place to confess something. If you confess to a priest, then you feel guilty for committing the same act again. If you confess to a support group and you slip up, you feel that you are letting a whole group down. Plus, you are committed to reporting weekly on your progress (or lack thereof). But on a blog you can throw your confession out into the universe with little consequence or guilt. In fact, some might actually validate the confession because they too share your problem.

Here is my confession. . . I eat chocolate everyday. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot; often in the form of ice cream; sometimes in baked goods. I like it milky, dark, and even white. No discrimination here. Dessert is not dessert unless it has chocolate in it.

I don't know why I'm addicted to chocolate. Is it because I'm a woman? Is it because I'm single? Is it because I've had sweet tooth since I was two years old?

The real problem is that society now validates this habit. Almost weekly the news tells us that we should eat 2 oz. of dark chocolate. Okay, really? Did I ever need a good reason to eat chocolate? Delicious was enough for me. But this health recommendation makes it so easy to justify eating chocolate daily.

Now, even though dark chocolate is more concentrated, do you think that that makes a difference to me? Um, no! And let's be honest, anyone who can limit themselves to 2 oz. could never claim to even like chocolate. If you are this type of person, I would not suggest ever owning up to this or our friendship could end right now. See, this must be an addiction because it is influencing my relationships! If you asked me to give up chocolate or a friend, I would probably give up the friend. I can always make a new friend but what could replace chocolate? Maybe cheesecake but then again I love chocolate cheesecake!

Now the true test to see if I really am addicted, would be to abstain from chocolate and see if I experience any withdrawals. At this time I have no desire whatsoever to even try this. But I'll think about it. . .

The Bump it

I am so glad I created this blog so that I can use it as a forum to discuss important political, social, and even grooming issues.

Today, I think it is imperative that we talk about "the Bump it." Now some of you might not be familiar with"the Bump it." Some might only recognize the Bump it by the name of the off brand item, "High on Hair." I don't know why they thought the name "High on Hair" was marketable, or even clever. It only made me think, "Nope, if I'm gonna get high, marijuana still sounds like the better choice...and that's illegal." This "High on Hair" should be illegal! But you know what? "Bump it" isn't a great name either. To me, it sounds like a suggestive dance move. . . in fact, I think I've heard that term in a rap song.

So . . . for those of you who have missed the infomercial attractively portraying this hair piece and what it can do for your hair, I will enlighten you. Look at this girl to the left. She actually is a very cute girl, nice face. But what's up with the shape of her head? Did she get drunk and fall out of a moving car and bump her head on the cement? How else do you get a bump that large on the back of your head? Well, no, this is actually something some women consider attractive. If you have a normal shaped head and your hair falls naturally, you could be endangering your chances of getting picked up on. Yes, a man could look at you and think, "Her head looks...round. She has a nice face but her hair is so...flat. I like a girl who wears a bump it. I just love when we make out and it it begins to get a bit more heated. I start running my hands through her hair, and then like digging for treasure, my finger tips run into the Bump it!Yes! Yes! Yes!"

My favorite is this next girl. She has a little bit of the Sarah Palin look going on. Look at her confidence as she points those index fingers; she knows she's got it going on!

Now the first time I saw the Bump it, I was confused. I was sitting in church, attempting to think about Jesus and became distracted by the girl sitting in front me. I thought, "What is up with her hair? Is that the shape of her head? If that's her hair, did she do that on purpose? Does she know I can't see anything because her hair is so tall?" Well, I thought, okay, one misguided woman. But then I saw another, and hers looked worse! Then I was at the gym, sweating, my hair a hot mess and I see a girl on a treadmill. Yes! It was the one from church! And she was wearing the Bump it! At the gym! Now when you work out you shouldn't wear jewelry. I also think a hard plastic thing in your hair could also be hazardous. But maybe that's just me. . .

Now some of you might think that I'm judgmental, but I firmly believe in the motto, "don't knock it till you try it." Yes, I have worn a Bump it. I even wore it in public. A good friend gave me one (actually it is the "High on Hair" brand) as a gag gift and I decided to try it out at a party. Well, no one got my number and by the end of the night, the plastic spokes were sticking up out of my hair. Success story, I think not.

Top ten reasons to not own a Bump it
10. Big hair was cool in the 80's, it's 2010.
9. No matter how many bump its you use, the polygamists still have higher hair than you ever will.
8. It's actually a little painful to wear, kind of like those stiff headbands.
7. People will talk about you behind your hair, I mean behind your back.
6. Guys like big butts, not big hair. I've never heard a song say, "I like big hair and I cannot lie..."

5. People wonder about the shape of your head

4. You block others' vision

3. You have created extra space where bugs can create a home

2. You are living a lie...you do not have that much hair

1. You have purchased something sold on an infomercial

By popular request...

Yes, I have finally decided to start a blog. This is long overdue, but. . .I was lazy. I was quite unsure about what snazzy name I could choose for my blog. What small phrase could possibly capture my personality? Well, I was grateful to find out that I can change the title if I need to.

So...why "the domestic unwife"? Well, a friend of a friend has a blog named, "the undomesticated housewife." I was telling a friend about how I wanted a clever title like hers and joked, "what would mine be called, 'the domesticated unwife'?" It stuck. Except "domesticated" make me feel like some kind of farm animal, so I chose "domestic" instead.

Now, let's talk about my domestic side. I love to cook and even clean. And the biggest surprise of all is that I can even sew. . .and I have pictures to prove it! Believe it or not, I did make these pillows (I did get a little help from my mother).

Now, about the "unwife". . . well it is important that everyone knows that the "un" doesn't mean, "ew, gross." It's actually because I am not married, not that I'm disgusting. . .though if I was disgusting that would explain why I'm single...but then the wife part would be confusing.

This blog will be filled with sarcastic anecdotes from my life. If you decide to follow my blog, I hope that my experiences will put a smile on your face and bring more laughter to your life.