Parenting tips based on things I've seen

Over the past two years, I have worked with many families of children and teens. As I gave therapy to these families, I learned a few things that I think could be useful for all parents. Parenting can be challenging and I hope the following information can be helpful to someone.

1. Meet your child's needs before you expect compliance.
Many parents complain about the poor behavior of their children. Often, after some digging, I discover that the children are not getting certain needs met. I worked with one particular family that told me about their child's disobedience. The child was playing sports late into the evening. The child would always begin to act out an hour or two into the practice, around 8:00 or 9:00 pm. Surely enough, I come to find out that the child did not eat dinner till after the practice. Empower your children to be their best selves by making sure that they have been fed and received adequate rest. Even most adults become moody when hungry and tired. I know this may seem obvious but if your kid is acting up, this is a simple place to start.

2. If you are a single parent, think twice about dating.
I know that being single can get lonely, very lonely. Being a single parent is a hard job. But, dating or getting remarried will not always make the job easier. When you are cultivating a new relationship, you must give a lot of time and energy to that relationship. No matter how hard parents try, often they unknowingly pay less attention to their kids. When a single parent dates, they still only have 24 hours in a day and now that parent shares some of those hours with a new person. When children are very young, this may be less of an issue but based on what I have seen, a parent's dating life can take a toll on teens. Especially, if your teens are already struggling. Teens aren't going to open up and tell you everything. You often have to read between the lines. You need to be there. And if your focus is on a new lover, you could miss important opportunities to influence your teen. Also, not every relationship works out and lovers coming in and out of your life can create an unstable living environment for your children. I'm not saying it is impossible, but parents who want to date should take extra precautions and move slowly in relationships so that their children have the most stable environment possible. Some of these principles apply to two parent homes as well. A stable, loving environment allows children to flourish.

3. Children's use of technology should be supervised.
Be very careful about what devices you give to your children. Nintendo DS, phones, iPods, computers, and TVs can all be misused by a child. As much as your children want technological devices to play games and to fit in with the other children, don't feel pressure to give them to your child. You are the parent and if you do not want to give it to your child, follow that gut instinct. Kids as young as 12-years-old, and probably even younger, send explicit text messages. Do not allow TVs or computers to be in your children's bedrooms. Your TV and computer should be located in a central location in the home where activity can be monitored. It's not that all children will watch sexually explicit television, but even scary movies or news programs can present information that your child is not ready for. Talk with your children about what programs and types of websites are okay to view in your home.

4. Do not ask your child if they can "handle" a certain program
I have heard many children tell me about nightmares and fears of the dark that have been sparked by movies or television programs. Sometimes the parents will ask these children if they think they can "handle" the scariness of the program. First, look at the ratings. If some group of people in Hollywood say that children under thirteen or seventeen shouldn't see the movie unsupervised, you probably don't want to show that movie to your child. This is why. Images sometimes stay in our minds. Even though you may be watching the movie with your child, those images can replay in your child's mind when they are alone. Also, your job as a parent is to be the gatekeeper. A 10-year-old child is not capable of knowing how a horror movie will affect him or her. But if you as a parent get scared, a child that is barely beginning to distinguish reality from fantasy will surely be scared. Don't ask your child to make parenting decisions.

5. Talk to your children about sex.
When your child asks you a question about sex, always be willing to have that conversation. Obviously, you should share information that is age appropriate. The best type of sex education for a child is one that happens gradually over time. If a child learns that he/she can come to you with questions about sex and he/she will receive honest and informative answers, that child will continue to seek you as the primary source on information about sex. If you ignore your child's questions or give patronizing answers, your child will find other places to get the answers. If you have never talked to your child about sex and your child is in junior high, you have waited too long. Kids are talking about and having sex in junior high. Not all the kids, but enough that your child will have learned something about sex at school. Please be brave and have these conversations with your children.

6. Set boundaries, even if you didn't keep them yourself.
One of my biggest pet peeves is parents that are afraid to set boundaries with their children concerning sex, drugs, and alcohol. I understand that parents my feel hypocritical telling their child to wait to have sex till marriage if they lost their virginity at 16-years-old, but guess what? Your child doesn't know your past and doesn't need to. Your job as a parent is to help guide your child. That means learning from your own mistakes. Often parents will say things like, "I don't want her to have sex till she is married." I ask, "Well, what standard have you set?" And they haven't set a standard. Your child will make mistakes and they won't always meet your expectations but you should set expectations in your home. "Drugs are not tolerated." "No drinking till you are of legal age." "No sex till marriage." "No sex till you are out of the house." Whatever standard you think is appropriate, set it. If you don't set a standard, you are inadvertently telling your child that you don't really care. You may have turned out fine after experimenting but there is a reason that every parent has a pit in their stomach when they think about their kid experimenting. The reason is that some people become addicts, car accidents happen, teen pregnancy happens, STDs happen. Protect your child by setting boundaries.

7. Talk to your children about safety.
Children need to learn early on how to say no. It is important that as parents you show respect for your child's physical boundaries. That means, when you are tickling a child and he asks you stop, stop tickling. If you as a the parent don't respect physical boundaries, it will make it that much easier for your child to be victimized because your child has learned that as a child, he can't demand respect for his boundaries. Also, recognize that children who are victimized are often threatened, and the perpetrator also threatens to hurt their family. Make sure your child knows that they can always tell you something, even if someone else has threatened to hurt them or you.

8. Use accurate names when talking about sex and do not make sex a dirty thing.
Having worked with many sexually abused children, I have heard all sorts of names for private parts and sexual acts. When you talk with your child about private parts, use the anatomical names like "penis" and "vagina." I once met with some children that called sex, "the nasty." Sex is not nasty. Sex should never be treated as something dirty or shameful. Private parts should not be demonized either. When you use anatomical names, you allow sex to become neutral. Help prepare your child to be ready for their sexual development. Explain to them about the changes that will happen in their bodies. Sex is a natural part of life and your child will make better decisions concerning sex if they are prepared and accurately informed. Let your children know how miraculous the human body is. A child who learns to love his or her body will more likely respect his or her body.

9. Be the person you want your child to become.
Parents are often devastated when they discover that their child has been sexually abused, especially when the parent has been sexually abused his or herself. Most of the time these parents have never shared with anyone that they were abused and they have never sought out help for dealing with the emotional ramifications of the abuse they suffered. One mother counseled her child to learn good coping strategies so that she wouldn't emotionally eat like her. While mom's advice was good, I wondered how well the child would do. If mom still uses food to cope, why or how would the child be more successful? Now, no parent is perfect and as parents we are all a work-in-progress ourselves. But, the best way to teach your child is to be the person you want your child to become. Don't expect your child to play outside, if you won't go outside. Don't expect your child to not be glued to his video game, if you are glued to your technology. Don't expect your child to have healthy romantic relationships, if you don't. If you don't like what you have seen in your kids, take a look in the mirror and try to see what example you may inadvertently be setting.

10. Don't over-schedule your children.
Children are over-scheduled these days. Your kids go to school all day where they are on a schedule. Kids now often have lessons and sports that go late into the night. It may be a Texas thing, but I am appalled to find out that 10-year-old's spend more time practicing sports than I did as a teen on my high school field hockey team. Kids need time to be creative and if you sign them up for every sport and lesson, they may not be able to develop other talents. Your children will have time to play sports, learn math, and play instruments. But your child will only have so long to play dolls and trucks. Don't let the fear of your child falling behind cause you to feel that you are putting your child at a disadvantage. You as a parent will be less anxious if you don't have to run your kids all over town. Your child doesn't need the stress of a busy schedule. Simplify where you can.

11. Help your child discover his or her own dream, not your dream.
Ah, the parent's dream. This also ties into sports. I see so many parents pushing their kids to excel at sports. While I am sure that it helps to teach a child early, just because a child plays football his whole life, it does not guarantee that he will make the NFL. As a parent try to expose your child to many different sports and activities. Watch to find out where your child has natural abilities. I know you might love baseball but that doesn't mean your child needs to. If your child knows you want him to be a baseball star, he will try to be that for you because your child loves you and wants you to be proud of him. Later in life, he might come to resent the pressure. But worse, maybe your child will never know what he really wants because what you want is ingrained in his or her mind. I know all parents want good things for their child but I think that as parents we should try as hard as we can to help our kids know that we want them to discover what makes them truly happy and that does not need to be the same thing that makes us happy.

I hope that these tips have been helpful to some. This is by no means a comprehensive list of parenting tips. These are just a few thoughts that I have gathered over the past couple years. I hope these have provided some insight and guidance for those seeking answers.

Wyatt's first birthday!

Well, Wyatt had his first birthday about a week ago. Isaac's parents came in town for the birthday weekend. Lucky for us, they brought our adorable niece, and Wyatt's cousin, Leila! She is such a happy baby and is such a joy to be around. Just look at how cute she is in these next few photos.

Leila loves to clap, especially when she sees that the adults around her are getting excited about something.

I made a Texas Sheet Cake for my Texan baby!

Wyatt and his parents. You can see that Wyatt already dug his little fingers into the cake.

 "Um, I think I like cake."

"Cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Wyatt pretty much ate his whole piece of cake. He was a little energetic afterward.

Our messy Wyatt then got to take a bath. Wyatt loves the bath so he was on cloud nine; cake and a bath!

Wyatt is such a joy! He is walking along furniture and is trying to stand on his own. We think he will start to walk in the next few months. Wyatt loves to crawl throughout the house and open all the cupboards. He loves to open and close doors. I call him a gentleman because he always gets the door for me when we are walking out of a room. Wyatt also takes a lot of pride in his ability to turn out the lights and fan in the bathroom. He smiles at himself in the mirror as he watches himself turn off the lights when we leave the bathroom after he has had a bath. Wyatt can wave hi and bye, say "Dada" and "Mama" (though it isn't directed at us yet), and clap his hands. Wyatt is also working on blowing kisses. Wyatt finally loves to cuddle. For the longest time, Wyatt never wanted to cuddle with us but now he can sit still and snuggle up. Nothing is better than having your baby cuddle up next to you. Wyatt can also give kisses when we ask him for one, but he sticks out his tongue so it can be kind of shocking. Wyatt is such a good tempered child and I feel so lucky to be his mom and see him grow.

Happy Birthday to my sweet Wyatt!

I dress up, but I don't dress up for you

Remember when you were little and your mom asked you to change into your "play clothes"? I do. Your mom probably asked you to do that because different activities often require a different type of clothing. Since becoming a mom, I have noticed that some moms judge other moms for not dressing nice enough. I'm sorry if my sweatpants offend you. I'm sorry if you don't like my air-dried hair. I'm sorry if it bothers you that I'm not wearing make up. I am in the season of sweatpants. That's right. Now, maybe you got married at 20 and started having children, so I understand that you would still like to dress up. I got married at age 27. That means six years of school, two years of full time work, and a year and half serving a church mission which required that I wear a dress or skirt EVERYDAY! Don't get me wrong, I still like to wear skirts and go shopping. But after years and years of having to dress up everyday, I relish in the fact that I get to choose my own dress code. 

Now, I don't live in sweatpants but when I'm home all day doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, and playing with my child, I am probably wearing sweat pants. I dress up when I go to work. I dress up if I go out with my husband. I dress up if I meet a friend for lunch. But I do not dress up for other people. I've heard that women dress for other women. Maybe that is true, but not here. I'll give you an example. Last week I took my child to playgroup. He loves being around other kids and it is nice to be able to talk to some adults since I only work one day a week. Well, at playgroup you see different kinds of moms. Now, I'm not judging anyone in particular because if someone is really dressed up they might have somewhere to go afterwards. I don't know what their plans are. And I totally understand that maybe you also wear sweatpants everyday and maybe you just wanted an excuse to wear normal clothes. But, there are moms that dress to impress, and there are moms that are secretly competing with you. Maybe on the playground, maybe while picking up their kids from school, wherever. You know, when I went to play group this week I wore jeans...because I couldn't find any clean sweatpants! Ha! And you know, if you find me wearing workout clothes, it isn't because I worked out. It's because they are comfortable and they come from a time when I used to work out. 

Here's the thing, I personally don't care if someone judges me for wearing sweatpants but there are a lot of moms out there that are giving their all to their children and they may not be able to afford the nice clothes that you can afford. These moms may have a difficult child, and something as simple as a shower may be a personal victory. So don't be that mom who judges another mom for not being in style. She doesn't need to turn heads, she doesn't need to compete. If she wants to dress nice because it makes her feel good about herself, more power to her. But she doesn't need anyone making her feel inferior. And if she is being judged other moms it is probably for one of two reasons: 1) They are trying to make themselves feel better by comparing or 2) they are jealous that the other mom doesn't care what everyone else thinks and they wish they were as comfortable as she is. 

Because, after all, sweatpants are where it is at.

My child's first tantrum

Wyatt's first birthday is just a few days away, so today we went shopping for birthday gifts and party decor. A few months ago, I saw these cute John Deere toys at Tractor Supply that I knew Wyatt would love. So we went into Tractor Supply to buy the gift. Isaac had to run to the bathroom, so I pushed Wyatt in his stroller over to the toys. I picked up the toy and noticed a little section in the store that had a bunch of toys that were bargain toys. They sold some tall tubes filled with different groupings of animals like farm, safari, horses, etc. I grabbed the tube and gave it to Wyatt to see if he thought it was cool. Wyatt loved it! So once I saw he liked it, I took it away and the crying began. He was so loud and I didn't want to bother the other customers, so I gave the toy back. Isaac came and found us and took the toy from Wyatt and he started to throw the fit again. Isaac said, "Let him throw the tantrum." I felt so dumb. I felt dumb because I am a therapist, right? I am constantly telling parents that they shouldn't give into their children, and what did I do? I allowed Wyatt's screaming to stress me out and I just gave in. I didn't think even think. It happened so fast. I was so worried about Wyatt's tantrum bothering other people, I put Wyatt last. I didn't think about the lesson Wyatt needed to learn. After Isaac had taken away the toy, Wyatt threw his little tantrum but calmed down relatively quickly. I'm grateful for my husband and that he was there so that we did the right thing for Wyatt. I'm also glad that I'll get another chance to properly react to the situation. I know that just because I am therapist doesn't mean that I will be the perfect wife or the perfect parent. It helps to have studied about relationships but just like everyone else, I still have to learn how to apply my knowledge to real life situations.    

And here we have Idaho...

Ever since I was a young child my family made the trip out to the Utah/Idaho area to visit family each year. My mom was born in Pocatello, so I have lots of fond memories of visiting Idaho. If it was winter, we often made a trip up to Sun Valley to go skiing. When my mom was young, my grandfather bought some land and built a cabin in Sun Valley. Sun Valley has become more popular in recent years, but I remember mentioning the name as a kid and everyone acting clueless. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis and Demi Moore used to have houses there (I'm not sure that they do now), and as children we spotted Arnold Schwarzenegger, Courtney Cox, and Robert Redford on the ski slopes. My mom tells stories of chasing Robert Redford down the ski slopes as a kid, although I think that was actually at the ski resort Targhee. When we'd visit Idaho, we would fly into Salt Lake City and drive two hours to Pocatello, Whenever we'd cross the border my mom would sing the Idaho State song, "And here we have Idaho, winning her way to fame..." I was so excited to be able to take Isaac and Wyatt there and show them a little bit of my childhood. Here are some pictures from our amazing summer vacation.

Wyatt and Kayla Rae

Teething together

Kayla Rae is so cute. She is one of the smiliest babies!

There are five kids in my family and we each had a baby this past year! It was so fun to have them all together!

Oh my cuteness! "Let me get that for you..."

Caroline and Kayla Rae

Eating Pizza our first night at Sun Valley

I absolutely love this photo! It seems so classic to me. My two main men!

Grandma with the babes

I know you shouldn't have favorites, but my nephew Alex stole my heart away when he was only about six months. There is just something so sweet and so special about this kid. 

Eating lunch. If you know my family, and particularly my mother, one thing you know about my family is that food will be done right! Tasty sandwiches, treats-galor, and fresh cut veggies keep everyone smiling.

Maybe I'm mean, but I love when babies cry. I think their cry faces are too cute!

With my boy at Red Fish Lake.

Family photo

Wyatt and Jake

They will not stop...

Jake seems to be bothered that we are still taking pictures...
Wyatt looks drunk off the joy of putting the blind cords in his mouth

Wyatt is amused by the simple things in life.

What is better than your aunt giving you a pedicure? This is my beautiful niece Elizabeth.
I can't believe how grown up she is!

Game night! One my favorite parts about the trip was that after the kids went to sleep, the adults would stay up and play fun board games. Lots of laughter! 

The men went on a bike ride one morning. Isaac decided to do a manly pose. We teased my brother about those biker shorts. I guess they have a padded butt so we will excuse him for the indecent exposure. 

"May the force be with you, young child."

It was a race up the stairs!

Sun Valley Lodge

Few things are scarier than riding a tandem bicycle when you are not the one controlling the handle bars. Do I trust Isaac? You should have asked me before we got on the bike. There was a lot of screaming, wobbling, and laughing. 

Caroline has the most adorable smile. Look at all those teeth!

Girls!

Jake and Wyatt really bonded on this trip.

It was nurse fest at the beach but the babies were happy. Here are all the moms with the babies!

Our first family photo with everyone and their spouses that was not at a wedding

Another family photo at the cabin

My little family

"Women! This one is a cry baby and this other one is trying to snag the piece of grass that I picked!"

Babies!

Wyatt's expression: "Are these girls bi-polar?"

Caroline's answer, "We're women, silly!"

Another family photo

This is my grandfather's old ford galaxy. It was pretty fun to cruise in this antique.

Snuggling!

People often say that Rachel and I look alike so when we saw that this mannequin was wearing a similar outfit to what Rachel was wearing we tried to see if we did look alike.

waiting to take sibling pics

waiting...

Tada! In birth order.

For fun! Brett wasn't excited about this pose but majority rules!

We had to get Baldy (the ski slope) in the background!

Here is a little sneak into our family dynamics. I'm the middle child, could you tell?
I have to get attention somehow, right?

Well, I had so much fun spending time with my family. Sometimes I get so bogged down in the day-to-day that I forget how much I miss my family and how wonderful it is to be with them.  The trip was so much fun and Isaac fell in love with Idaho. We drove the whole 20 hours there and back. Wyatt was a champ and was so content to ride in his car-seat. He slept well and played well. We really have been blessed with such a calm, easy-going baby. And even though you hear about couples that can't travel together without fighting, Isaac and I really enjoy traveling together. We like to find good eats to make the journey more exciting. It is also fun to listen to music and comedy together, something we don't really get to do on a daily basis. This trip was even better because there was so much scenery to enjoy. It is tough driving such a long way but I'm grateful that I have a family that makes it so enjoyable.