The Pain

     It has been a while since I have written on the blog. Mostly because I have been really busy. I moved and then I went out of town to visit Isaac's family and a dear friend of mine. I've been wanting to write about some of these things for sometime now. I find that I often learn more about myself and the world through talking and writing.
     I've observed a few things about my grief process. I have learned that the first week or two of grief is just shock and survival. Following that was a period of adrenaline. That time was filled with busyness and visitors. But once all the business is handled and the visitors dwindle, the loss settles in and the void makes itself known. The truth is that I didn't have room to miss Isaac before now. There was too much chaos, too much to do. As things settle down, his absence is so loud. And it hurts. There are different parts to the hurt. There is the loss I feel for my children. There is the loss of the future I thought would be ours. The loss of my dreams being shared with Isaac. The loss of marriage. The loss of my best friend. The loss of Isaac, the individual. I've heard some people talk about how surprised they are when they continue to grieve even after remarriage. But that makes sense to me. Remarriage can't be a replacement. You can't replace a person. You can simply create new nurturing relationships.
     When someone dies, there is part of you that says, "I want to say goodbye one last time or have one last kiss, or one last whatever." But I don't dwell on that because the truth is that no one last anything could make it better because it would still be a "last," and that is what hurts. I remember that a few days after Isaac died I had to drive somewhere. While driving I thought, "If I wanted to be with Isaac, I could just crash the car and die." And here is the struggle: I could die and be with Isaac or I can live but the truth is that I want to live with Isaac. And what I want, I can't have. And what does it mean that as I move further from that moment that my desire to live is stronger than my desire to be with him? These aren't questions that I need to answer. These are simply the raw emotions that I have felt.
     When Isaac first died, I felt so sad for my children. One of the reasons I married Isaac was because of his loyalty to family. My parents divorced when I was about six-years-old and my relationship with my dad has more often than not been a source of pain and disappointment. I wanted to be sure as one can be that the father of my children would always be there for them. So when Isaac died, it felt like the most important thing that I wanted for my children was ripped from them. But a dear friend told me something that has brought comfort to me. Someone had told her this when her family was grieving the loss of a young father. She said that it is important to remember that God loves my children more than me. Just think of that. If I truly believe that God is my Heavenly Father and the Father of my children, then why would he allow for this tragic loss? If God is love, how is this an act of love? I don't know why and I don't know how, but there is something in me that tells me Isaac's death was necessary.
     A couple weeks after Isaac passed, I found myself watching a cartoon movie, "Joseph in Egypt," while babysitting my friend's children. I had actually thought it was the movie "Prince of Egypt" and felt a little disappointed by the music, ha! But as I watched the show with the kids I learned something about life and God. As I watched Joseph's brothers sell him into slavery I started to cry in empathy. How awful! Can you imagine your siblings hating you so much they sold you...as a slave? I'm sure that Joseph had a hard time praying, "Oh yeah, this is totally for the best God. I get it." He probably spent many nights wondering why God allowed for this to happen. But years later when he saved his family (and many more people) from famine, he got it. Now, I'm not going to save anyone from famine (at least I think not!), but I could relate to parts of the story. The first part being that sometimes horrible things happen for seemingly no good reason. The second part being that faith in God is the only thing that makes it possible for us to endure hardship. The third part being that in time God will show us all things and will manifest His love in greater ways than we can imagine. My favorite scripture is 1 Corinthians 2:9 "But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him." Each time I read that it blows my mind. It is so hard to comprehend that there could be this whole other plan for my life that is so much better than my plan. I mean, I've always thought that I can dream up some pretty amazing stuff. When I read this scripture, I know it is true. God has always been merciful to me. He has always provided. He has never disappointed me or let me down.
     As I had been thinking about Isaac's death and how it felt like I was losing the most important thing I ever wanted in life, a devoted husband and father, I thought of Abraham. I thought of how much Abraham had wanted a son from his dear wife Sarah. After so many years they were finally blessed with Isaac. And then God, asks Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Whenever I've thought about this bible story I've always felt so much empathy for Abraham. How awful to be asked to sacrifice your son. I can't even imagine. At the same time, to some degree I can relate to having to give up the thing you wanted most. It was a little ironic and upsetting that I too was asked to give up my Isaac. Abraham was blessed that God then said that he didn't need to kill Isaac and provided a ram for sacrifice. I don't know why Isaac had to go. I don't know why that sacrifice was necessary. I can't explain why I'm not angry at God. It doesn't make sense. I should be angry. Instead, I feel like a little child, submissive. I trust Him. And this trust or faith surprises me even though it obviously lives in me. Mainly because you can only trust someone as well as you know him and it overwhelms me to think that I know God, that I know Him well enough to wade through these murky waters.
      I think another reason I trust God is because God gave me Isaac. It's hard for me to conceive that a God that would bless me so immensely would take away a blessing and then never bless me again. That doesn't make sense. It makes me think of Job from the bible and how God took everything away but then after Job proved his faith, he gave him twice as much as he had before. Now, I'm not hoping for two husbands but I do believe that God will bless me. And that blessing will feel more than sufficient. I have felt very blessed already. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful family, friends, and in-laws. I seriously have the best support system anyone could ever have. Despite the blessings, I still feel and will feel pain. Pain is a feeling, and one thing I always tell my clients is that feelings are information. Pain is information that something isn't right. So as much as I want the pain to just go away, I know that I need to let pain teach me. So that's what I'm going to work on, letting the pain teach me. I think it will be hard to not postpone or push emotions aside but I believe that as I allow myself to sit in this place and rumble with these feelings I will find strength.

The kids

One of the first things people ask you is, "How are the kids doing?" The truth is they are doing pretty good. Today broke my heart a little. As I was getting Wyatt ready for church he kept asking if his friends were going to be at church. He then asked if his daddy would be there. I reminded him that Daddy was in heaven with Jesus. Then, he told me that he wanted to go up there with Jesus. And then he said, "I want my daddy back." I just hugged him and said, "Me too." I finished getting him ready and I told him he looked handsome and he said, "Like Daddy!" Yep! I wasn't surprised that it took about six weeks for Wyatt to realize that Isaac was gone and not coming back. Children process things very differently. It will be interesting to see how the children grieve as they grow in understanding. When Isaac first passed away, Wyatt asked a few times about Isaac. But after telling him a few times that Isaac was up in heaven with Jesus, he stopped asking. Rosie would say "daddy" when she saw his picture or his truck. Rosie hasn't demonstrated understanding beyond that.

Right after Isaac died, I was mostly sad for my kids. Maybe that's just typical mom behavior, worry more about the kids than yourself. It breaks my heart that their dad won't be there for so many moments of their lives. It breaks my heart because Isaac wanted to be there and we'd talk about the things we could do with the kids when they were older. I sometimes can't get over the fact that Rosie barely knew him. He had such a special love for her. You could just see it in his eyes. And I know that maybe someday they'll have a stepdad who will love them. And I know that they have grandpas and uncles who love them. But it is just painful to think that they won't be able to see or feel that love from their father the way I could when he was here. Luckily, we have lots of pictures and videos. I hope that those help the kids to feel close to him. Wyatt and I often look at videos and pictures together. I feel like it is a positive way for him to connect with his dad. When we went to the pumpkin patch Wyatt made sure that we got a daddy Isaac pumpkin, and a mama pumpkin, and two baby pumpkins. I also caught him the other day playing with his spidermen. He has a small one and a bigger one. He told me the big one was "daddy Isaac spiderman." And the small one was Wyatt spiderman. It's kind of funny how he says "daddy Isaac" a lot. But he also calls me "gegecca" a lot now too! I guess that's what happens when you have a lot of company!

The day Isaac died

It was a Wednesday. We had been home about a week since our family vacation to Utah and Idaho. The night before we had homemade pizza and Isaac played with the kids while I cleaned up. I was really tired and had wanted to go to bed early but Isaac really wanted to watch this movie on TV so I stayed up to watch the movie. And for those of you who know Isaac, yes he did fall asleep! Haha. The next morning I remember waking up and Isaac would usually cuddle or hold me in bed for a while before we actually got up. So he had started to do that when we heard Wyatt wake up. I was potty training Wyatt so I jumped out of the bed and rushed to get him on the toilet before he wet his diaper. Don't worry, I was too late. So since I was up, I decided to make Isaac some breakfast burritos. He was still chillin' in bed, so I asked him if he wanted to have breakfast in bed. So Isaac ate breakfast, Wyatt drank his milk, and I sat next to them in the bed, and we watched Fox News (not my choice! Ha!) Then Isaac needed to get ready for work so he showered and Wyatt decided he wanted to shower too. My morning got busy as I had to get Wyatt ready after the shower. Isaac told me that he thought he would take the day off after he checked in with work because the other employee was off that day and they had something that they needed to work on together. I remember that as he was leaving Wyatt started shouting, "Park! Park!" Isaac told him we'd go to the park. I double checked because I had already planned to go to the park in the morning. Isaac said to take the kids anyway and that we'd go again if he got the day off. Isaac said he would call pretty soon to let me know if he was coming home.

The morning got hectic and I thought it was strange that Isaac hadn't called yet. I was trying to gather up the children so we could get to the park and I would just call Isaac while I was on my way to the park. After I had gotten the kids in their car seats, I ran to grab the trash and noticed two cops walking up to me. They asked for me by name. Oh guys, I thought I was being served! I was like, "Oh no! I'm being sued!" I'm a marriage and family therapist so I always worry that a lawsuit could be possible if someone commits suicide or something goes wrong. But then they told me Isaac had been in an accident and asked if they could come in and talk to me. I was like, "Yeah, of course." Then my mind started trying to figure out what I should do with the kids when all of a sudden I thought to ask, "Is he alive?" They said no. Then I just remember weeping, "No!" And then I straightened right up and would alternate between sobs and getting my kids situated so that I could talk to the cops. It is such a strange experience to receive this kind of news. They talk to you like you are going to respond to what they are saying but the truth is that a million things flash before you. One of my first thoughts was, "Oh no, it's here." Isaac had always thought he would die early. Not this early, but earlier than typical. The cops kept asking me about who they could call or if someone could come over. I kept thinking, "Why would I have you call my people? Why do I need someone here? I'm going to be so busy calling everyone." Well, about three phone calls in I understood why I needed someone there. Listening to the sobs on the other end of the line was the worst kind of torture I've ever experienced. I just couldn't keep calling. As much as I wanted to be the one to notify family and friends, at some point I was just done.

Slowly, people started pouring into my house. I was so grateful for the support. The kids were probably wondering what was happening. The next couple days were such a whirlwind. I felt like I was going to throw up and I had a really bad headache. I stopped wearing any make up for a few weeks. No point, I'd just cry it off anyway. I was so grateful to have so much support but each time a new person came to express condolences it would just hit me like a wall. Those first days were some of the worst. I'd have dreams where Isaac was just doing normal every day life stuff. When I would wake up my brain would tell me, "No, he's dead."But following those first days, I began to move away from the shock and devastation. I started to see the support I had and the generosity of others blessing my life. I became overwhelmed with gratitude as miracle after miracle came into my life. I no longer get upset by my dreams and feel pretty okay when I wake up. A lot of people have been concerned about if I am sleeping but I actually haven't had any problems with that yet, thank goodness!

We still don't know a lot about the car accident as it is still under investigation. Isaac was killed on impact. And that brings me comfort to know that he either didn't suffer or didn't suffer for very long. It's still so strange that he is gone. It was really hard to believe that he died until I saw his body. It was so strange to touch his cold skin. Isaac was always so warm. I was the cold one. It brought some closure when I saw his body but it was also sad. When you see the body, you realize that the body is nothing without the spirit. So it was him, but it wasn't him. I think I kind of expected him to look like he was sleeping but he didn't even look like that. I never realized till that moment how much of a person is their spirit. In our society, we judge so much based on the body but the spirit is really the larger portion of who we are. So realizing that helped me to let go of his body. But I think that is also the hard part. As I move forward I am sure there will be times that I will feel his spirit near. But there is something so special and irreplaceable about being with someone while his spirit is still in his body. And that's what I miss and will miss.

What I'm learning

I don't know how much I will share on my blog but a blog seems like a more appropriate place to share the complexity of emotions that follow the death of a loved one. I have seen several clients who are dealing with grief. Often, they come in quite depressed. I assumed that I would experience something quite similar. I empathized with their struggles and agreed that the people that act like death is no big deal are out of their minds. But here I am today and I feel good. Great, now I'm that annoying person who is still happy even though my world should be falling apart!

Shortly after Isaac's death, my friend sent me a christian song where the lyrics read, "your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place." Say what?! It seemed so horrific to say that Isaac's death would lead to my world falling into place. But as time goes on, I do realize that my life goes forward and there are many important things for me to do. It's not that I don't have sorrow. The truth is that I have hope. Hope that our God is really as merciful as I've been taught. Hope that Isaac's death was not in vain. Hope that I can find meaning and love in a life following Isaac's death. And I think that hope makes all the difference.

My stake president (my church leader) who happens to be a therapist, explained to me that grief is not depression. I think I expected to be depressed. But grief isn't depression. It can trigger depression but it is not the same. I've experienced a myriad of emotions ranging from loneliness to excitement. The truth is, at some point, maybe before I came to earth and certainly while on earth, I committed to putting both feet in the water. Sometimes that means that the water goes above my head. But I never wanted to sit back and just watch.

A couple years ago I met an inspiring woman. She was so kind and cheerful. The more that I got to know her the more shocked I became as I learned that she had lost a son (at the same age Isaac died), had some health issues, and had an extended family experiencing lots of difficulties. I noticed that there was a depth to her, that she knew something I didn't. And after I thought that, I immediately thought, "Don't think that! Now you'll lose a child." I never thought it would be Isaac. I realize that I'm strange in that way, that I would look at others and envy their grief. But I am learning so much. So much about myself and so much about God. So much about the goodness of the people around me. The world only got brighter when Isaac left. I feel like I've learned more about Isaac as well. It's almost as though I can even see Isaac more clearly, who he was as a man. And although he is gone, his love still carries me.

I want to share a few things I've learned and I'm sure the list will continue to grow.

Things I've learned about God:

• God blesses us with many small miracles and those can be just as miraculous as the big miracles
• God will help you remember scriptures that will bring peace and understanding to your soul
• God's plan is bigger and better than your plan
• God loves me. If God was gracious enough to bless me with Isaac, then it would only make sense that all of God's following actions would bless me
• God is guiding me and has been preparing me for a long time

Things I've learned about me:

• the emotional work that I have done is now blessing me
• my relationship with God is what gives me strength
• I'm stronger because I have let others help and support me

Things I've learned from Isaac:

• how to relax
• people matter (and apparently horses do too)
• compassion, generosity, and acceptance 
• simple things are what make us happy
• what it means to cleave to your spouse
• how to put family first
• The Office really can make a bad day better
• beef really should always be what's for dinner

Things I've learned from marriage:

• marriage is compromise, like all the time
• love is a verb
• love is a choice
• trust is something that grows over time
• it's fun living with your best friend
• life is best shared
• sometimes we take each other for granted
• most of the time your spouse is doing his/her very best
• it's not fair to expect your spouse to meet all your needs
• listen, listen, listen
• examine the opportunity cost of your actions. You might be doing the least important things for your spouse.
• time is all you really have

Things I've learned about death:

• death feels very strange, like someone vanished
• death is part of life and it isn't all bad
• death creates new opportunities and relationships

You know, Isaac and I weren't a perfect fit. In fact, about a week before he died, we met a man on the plane and he asked how we got together because we had told him that I was a therapist and Isaac was a cowboy. To be honest, I was like, "For real, how do we work?" But I think that is the amazing thing about our relationship. We are so different. I once heard someone say marriage is 60% compromise. Well, our marriage was like 80% compromise. But as hard as it was to figure out what we would do when we wanted different things, we were able to do it because we chose to make it work. Sometimes I think that is what will make it hard about Isaac's death. He changed my life in a lot of ways and he changed me. Sometimes I felt bad that I wasn't a cowgirl because I knew Isaac had to give up a lot of the things that he wanted. But as different as we were, neither of us could have ever said, "you'd be better off with someone more like you." The first thought I ever had about Isaac was that he was so interesting to me. His was such a random combination of talents and personality traits. I couldn't help but be drawn to him. He really was a good guy. And I can't be mad that he is gone because I just feel so lucky that I had him at all. And even though he is gone, I still have so much more than I had before I married him. I have two beautiful sweet children. They really are the best. And I have the best in-laws you could ever imagine. It's so strange to feel blessed at a time of such great loss but I truly believe that God has filled my heart and that the prayers of so many really do lift me up. And now I need to go throw away all the kleenex I just used, so I'm gonna go do that.

Everything is Rosie...

Who knows this song? "Now my life is rosy, Since I found my Rosie, With a girl like Rosie, How could I be blue?" It's from Bye Bye Birdie! I love that movie/play! And seriously, how could anyone be blue with Rosie?! She is the sweetest baby. Here are some adorable newborn photos of our Rosie.

These photos were taken by my dear friend Joleen the day after Rosie was born.

These next photos were taken by Becca of www.beccalea.com. She photographed our wedding, engagement photos, and Wyatt's newborns. She is an very talented photographer. She focuses on weddings and engagements, so if you are getting married you should definitely check her out!

I absolutely adore these next photos of Rose with Isaac. There is something so beautiful and special about a man's big strong hands holding such a tiny precious baby.

 And here are some photos of just Rosie. I actually pulled out some of my American Girl Doll furniture and used them as props for these next photos. The beautiful blanket you see was knit by my talented mother, the one and only RaeJean.

 Sleeping...

 Surprised...

That cute little tongue...

Yawn...

Just normal...

We really love our sweet little Rose. Wyatt is always trying to hug her and pick her up and he loves to give her kisses. This morning he was trying to tickle her. I'm pretty sure he is excited for her to grow up so he can play with her. It has been quite an adjustment to having a second child but I'm feeling more confident now about my ability to handle the two. Maybe that is because I'm getting more sleep now! Nothing can quite prepare you for that. Motherhood is such a blessing. It can be overwhelming at times but I feel so lucky to have these two precious children in my care.

Our Little Rosie

On April 7th, 2014 we welcomed Rose Lucero into the world. It was a day full of surprises, new experiences, and so much joy. Here is Rose's birth story and some pictures of our sweet daughter.

April 7th was a Monday morning. I woke up at 4:30 am and felt wide awake. This is very unusual for me. I looked on Facebook for a little while and eventually fell back asleep. I had to get up at 8:00 am because I had a doctor's appointment. So Wyatt and I ran to the doctor, Wyatt still in pajamas and me in some sweats, (aka pajamas). I was 38 weeks and 5 days and this was the first time the doctor was going to check me to see if I had progressed at all. Well, turns out I was dilated 4 cm and 70% effaced. Say what?! She then asked if I wanted to be induced. I thought, "Why would I be induced? This baby is doing just fine coming on her own." So I left the doctor's office thinking, "This baby is coming in the next couple days." I had to run to the store to pick up a few things, so Wyatt and I stopped by the store and while walking around I felt more discomfort than usual. I felt some contractions but I've been having lots of Braxton hicks contractions with this pregnancy, so I didn't think anything of it. Once I was home I started to think that the contractions seemed more regular. I had planned lunch with some friends, so I got Wyatt and myself ready and thought, "I should probably start packing a bag for the hospital, just in case." Wyatt and I met my friends at Torchy's Tacos for lunch. I had thought about possibly canceling lunch but I then I thought, "If I do have the baby, I want to have eaten a good amount because I don't know when I will eat again." So at lunch, with the encouragement of my friends, I downloaded an app to time the contractions. I was having them 7-10 minutes apart and they lasted 30 seconds. They were not painful and I could talk through them just fine. My friends asked if I was ready and I replied, "No, my house is a mess. I thought I had at least 9 more days!" Wyatt came 10 days late so I never imagined I'd need to be ready this early. Our weekend had been busier than normal too. A good friend of mine got married and it was general conference (A semi-annual LDS conference lasting two days that you can watch via internet), so we let the mess pile up at the house cause I thought I would have time to organize things. Well, I was wrong. 

So my friends came over and helped me organize the baby stuff and clean up. They also set up the bassinet for the baby while I packed a bag for the baby and me. I feel so grateful to have friends like this! I called Isaac on my way home from lunch to tell him to be on call because I thought the baby was coming sometime in the evening. But as my friends and I straightened up, the contractions started to become painful and I knew we had to go to the hospital soon. Plus, the contractions were about 4-5 minutes apart. I called Isaac and he came home to pick me up and take me to the hospital. When Isaac came in he said, "You don't look like you are in much pain." And I wasn't having intense pain but the contractions were getting closer together. Also, knowing that I started the day out at 4 cm, I knew that the hospital would admit me, and worst case scenario, they might have to give me pitocin if the labor slowed down. So we drove to the hospital.

Here is a picture of me during a contraction. Contractions are an interesting sensation once they become more painful. I often felt like I didn't know what to do with my body. Should I walk it off? Stretch it out? Lay down and breathe through it?

 Here is the last picture of our family when it was just the three of us...well,

 I guess Rose is technically in the picture as well.

 Here is a picture of Isaac and I while I was in triage.

 Isaac took this picture of me breathing through a contraction in the hospital room.

Alright, to continue the birth story...

Isaac and I arrived at the hospital and I checked in at the desk. We then sat down and waited while they printed out some forms that I had to sign in order to be admitted into triage. I think by this time Isaac started to believe that I was experiencing pain when I had contractions. They took us back to triage, had me pee in a cup and change into a gown, and then we waited for like 15 or 20 minutes before anyone showed up to check me. it was kind of weird but whatever. So, finally a nurse and doctor came in and they checked my cervix. I was at 6 cm and 80% effaced. They asked me if I wanted an epidural and I told them I wasn't sure and I was waiting for my doula to get there to discuss it with her. My doula arrived right after they put me in the room. I was undecided about what I should do and asked if they would check me again. I was at 6-7 cm. I decided to order the epidural because they still had to send my labs off (I guess they have to check some stuff in your blood) and I had to receive a bag of fluids to prevent my blood pressure from dropping when I would get the epidural. So, it would take at least 20 minutes. I wanted to try going natural but I was feeling a lot of pain at this point and I wasn't sure how much longer the labor would last. I figured that if I progressed quickly I could always decline the epidural. Plus, when I began to feel that intense pain, my desire to prove anything about my own strength to myself or others flew out the window. So they started the bag of fluids, took my labs, and sent in the anesthesiologist. Well, the anesthesiologist came in and started to go over how the epidural works and the risks, etc. As he was talking I had a contraction, so he stopped and started back up once the contraction was over. But then, another contraction started and he continued to talk as I breathed through the contraction clenching my hands around the side rail of the bed. Right after that contraction subsided another one came on. At some point the anesthesiologist's voice tapered off and he disappeared from the room. I vaguely remember his face that seemed to say, "Uh, I am not injecting a needle into this crazy lady's back." By this time I'm screaming, crying, moaning, trying to express my pain in whatever way I can and nothing really seems to fit. I then cried to Isaac and the staff, "I came too late! I can't get the epidural! I won't be able to sit still!" I felt a lot of distress because I knew that the pain was unavoidable at this point and I didn't know how long I would be suffering. So I had another contraction and I felt a strong urge to pee so I pushed but nothing came out. At the next contraction my water broke. Then, I realized that when I was having contractions, the nurses and doctors didn't know that I was pushing. I couldn't really help but not push. It felt like my body was just reacting to the contraction. So I shouted out, "I'm pushing!" They flipped up the sheet they had placed over my legs. And lo and behold, Rosie's head was crowning. The doctor rushed in and told me to wait to push until she got her gloves on. At this point it was strange because I actually felt like I could wait. Once the doctor was ready, I pushed and our little Rosie slid right out. They placed her on top of me and I felt completely shocked. I just delivered my baby...naturally! We had come into the room at 3:00 pm and at 3:38 pm I had a baby in my arms. They delivered the placenta and stitched up a small tear. I don't remember feeling any pain at this point and didn't ask for pain medications until the next day. I just remember thinking, "That was wild!"

Here is me post labor with my sweet Rose.

 Here is Rose after they weighed her. She was 6 lbs. 7 oz and 18 inches long.

Here are some more pictures of Rose

 

Here we are a few hours after the labor.

We aren't mimicking Rosie in this picture. Our faces are this way because we were in shock at how fast the labor and delivery went and that I just delivered a baby naturally like it was no thing. CRAZY!

Here were are mimicking Rosie's open mouth pose.

The proud daddy

Look at that angelic face!

Rosie and I just hanging out

The next morning, Wyatt came to visit. When he saw me holding Rosie he squealed and pointed to Rosie and came right over to us. He was then distracted by the many other interesting things in the hospital room.

Wyatt loves to drink out of straws

Wyatt seems a little uncertain about his new sister here. 

Isaac's mom came to town the day after the birth to help out. A few days later his dad, sister, niece, and aunt came as well. It was so nice to have family to help us out.

Here is Wyatt holding Rose

Here are the Lucero cousins

The night we got home, we were eating dinner at the table and I looked over at the dish cloth hanging from the oven handle and noticed that it said "A Rose for Monday." Pretty interesting since Rose was born on Monday. We thought that was pretty neat, especially since my late grandma Bonnie had embroidered the dish towel. I often miss my grandmother and little moments like this help me to remember that she is still very much a part of my life.

 Rose's little hand

Life at home with Rose

Well, it's official, Rose has pulled off sucking a thumb like a gangster.

Rose gets ready for her first sponge bath at home

Rosie and I post bath

I adore this photo of Rosie. She looks like she is smiling this sly little smile. 

It seems to capture her cute little personality.

And here is a picture of her crying. Rosie was not up for a photo shoot.

Our Rosie is so precious. She was so tiny when she was born. She likes to sleep much more than Wyatt did. She is a great eater too. She absolutely loves to be held and will sleep longer in someone's arms than in her bassinet. Rosie makes lots of noises. She will make delicate little peeps and squeaks but the next minute she will make loud grunting and growling noises. It is pretty hilarious. Wyatt is doing better each day at learning how to be soft. He loves to look at Rosie and give her kisses. He also likes to pull off her socks, smell her feet and say, "Ew!" Wyatt has sweaty feet and one time when Isaac was undressing him he sniffed Wyatt's feet and said "Ew!" Now, whenever Wyatt sees feet, he thinks it is hilarious to smell them and say "Ew!" Boys will be boys, right? 

I feel so blessed to have such a healthy baby and quick recovery. I'm also grateful that I was able to experience natural labor. It was a powerful experience that showed me just how perfectly our bodies have been created. I think a lot of moms worry that they might not feel the wonder and magic that they felt with the first birth but I now know that each child is such a miracle and my heart has enough space for any child that might come to this earth through me. I feel so so lucky to be a mom. Sometimes people think motherhood isn't a big deal because most women can birth children and have for centuries. And sometimes people make a big deal about motherhood because it is trendy to talk about all the different parenting strategies out there. But I think for anyone who truly dives deep into motherhood, the experience isn't common and it isn't unique. It is sacred. It is divine. It is personal. It is in the details. 

I'm not sure that language will ever be able to fully express what transpires in a mother's heart. And I'm okay with that because in a world where we are prone to share so much (and obviously I share a lot as well, because I just shared the story of Rose's birth), it is nice that some things will just have to stay in my heart.