Sunday, October 17, 2010

If I had a rich man

If I had a rich man, sigh. Isn't that what every girl wonders? Now, some people are thinking, what does a girl need a rich man for? Well, this song makes fun of rich wives but also reveals why a rich husband would be useful to a girl. You may want to have the music playing in the background as you read the revised lyrics.

Oh dear Lord, you made many, many poor men.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be poor.
But it's no great honor either!
So, why would it be so terrible if I had a rich husband?"

If I had a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long sitting at the country club.
If I had a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I had a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

He'd buy a big tall house with rooms by the dozen,
Right in the middle of the town.
A fine gourmet kitchen with real wooden floors below.
There would be one long staircase just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more just for the real housewives show.

I'd fill my closet with Louis Vuitton and Gucci
just for the girls to see and stare.
gawking just as enviously as they can.
With each loud "Oooo" "ahhh" "Ugh"
Will ring like music to my ears,
As if to say "She's got a wealthy man."

If I had a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long sitting at the country club.
If I had a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I see myself, his wife, looking like a rich man's wife
With a black Mercedes Benz.
Shopping all day long to my heart's delight.
I see me putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood I'm in.
Enjoying my rich life, day and night.

The most eligible girls in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wise.
"If you please, Reb Crandall..."
"Pardon me, Reb Crandall..."
Posing problems that would cross another therapist's eyes!

And it won't make one bit of difference if i answer right or wrong.
When you're rich, they think you really know!

If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack
Go to the spa, relax, and stay.
And maybe have full body massage.
And I'd discuss grooming trends with experienced women, several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I had a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long sitting at the country club.
If I had a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.

Lord who made the lion and the lamb,
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan?!
If I had a wealthy man.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

A child's view of divorce

Last night I was babysitting my nieces and nephews. One of their favorite games to play is called "neighbors." Paige (age 5) and I went to Elizabeth's who had just gotten married and was now having baby. At Elizabeth's Paige revealed that she was divorcing her husband. Elizabeth asked if he had another girlfriend and Paige very excitedly said, "No! It's because he is the 's' word." I asked, "What is the 's' word." "It's 'stupid.'" Pretty good reason for divorce. So I asked what he did and she had quite the list of words exchanged and what had happened:

"He cut off my toe nail!"
"He pulled out my tooth!"
"And he is always trying to put my earrings on me, but I can put my earrings on myself."
"He told me, 'go put some pancakes in your stomach with lots of syrup on top!' But I don't want pancakes! I want toast."
"So I told him, 'go put lipstick on your lips and never come back!'"
"Then he said to me, 'go cut your eyebrows and cut your hair off.'"
"He told me, 'go put your head in the dishwasher and when you open it back up your head will be all smooshed up and I will laugh so hard until I die.'"

So, I'm not quite sure what the media is teaching our children but divorce sounds pretty abusive and traumatic from the perspective of a 5 year old.

Reflections on the Lazy River

Yesterday was the last day of Lazy River’s 2010 season. I wanted to share a few special memories.

The Old Man

The old man faithfully attended every Saturday. He would wear very short swim trunks, more like running shorts. The disturbing thing about them was not even the length. It was that the color matched his skin tone. So, from far away you thought the old man was naked. Despite how disturbing this visual was, we persevered and continued to go to the pool.

The Inappropriate Man

Yesterday was special because I did what Rebecca always does, talk too loud. One of my friends was telling me that the old man came in a different swim suit. Then I shouted, “Oh my gosh! Did you see that man in the bright orange Speedo?” Right at that moment, we floated right past him. I was embarrassed because I’m sure he heard but maybe next season he’ll come in something a little less flashy. PS- he was there with his 10 year daughter. Poor child!


The lazy river has also been a place of inspiration for me and my friends. I’m sure you have all heard that shallow people talk about things, normal people talk about people, but great people talk about ideas. Well, the lazy river is where discussions about things and people evolved to a discussion of ideas. Now, when boys go to the pool, they don’t check out other boys, but girls play a game called, “real boobs, fake boobs?” In this game we check out women who have big boobs and try to determine if they are real or fake. Often comments are made like, “boobs that size can’t be that shape” or “those boobs sit way too high for her age.” Then we were discussing how boobs are not that bad. They are actually in probably the most convenient place God could have but them. I suggested the back may have been a better place (have you ever tried to play golf? Sometimes they get in the way). My friends quickly corrected me that if they were on the back it would be difficult to breast feed. Good point. So then I suggest that rather than have a boob job, they should make detachable boobs. Wouldn’t it be great if you could take them off to run and do sports? I thought I was really on to something when someone suggested the inflatable boob. What if you had this little pump that could inflate and deflate your boobs? Kind of like the sleep number mattress. You could control the firmness and everything! Also, they could advertise it like, “Do you have trouble finding clothes to fit you? What if you could you change to fit the clothes?” Shopping for women can be tedious. The dress or shirt doesn’t fit because your boobs are too small or too big. Your buttons pull or pop off because you can’t find a shirt that fits both your shoulders and your chest size. Wouldn’t it be great if you could just adjust yourself? Anyway, I’m thinking we might need to get a copyright or patent this idea. This could really go big.

So, thank you lazy river for all the sun, fun, and inspiration. I’ll see you again in March.