Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The 11th commandment

Thou shalt not covet thy co-workers lunch.

So at my new office, the break room aromas always float into the office. Every now and then, the smells are gross but more often than not, those lunches heating up in the communal microwave drive my taste buds wild! I start to feel disappointed that my lunch is just a sandwich...what are these leftovers my coworkers are reheating?! Then, for one reason or another I have to enter the other room and what do I behold? LEAN CUISINE! I've been deceived!!!! Here I've been coveting this aromatic meal only to find that there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! While these little diet meals smell scrumptious, I know from personal experience that they do not taste the way they smell. In fact, they lack taste at all. So of course what does Rebecca do when there is no flavor? Add salt. But there is already so much sodium to preserve these frozen meals. There goes my heart.

By the long have these been frozen? And once you eat that little "meal" you see why it's a diet food. Cause I'm not satisfied! Didn't taste good. Still not full. I need two more of those to feel full. Maybe I'm high maintenance but on this there will be no compromise. I will never pretend to be content with such a lunch. However, it is comforting to know that although these smells make me jealous, I can rest assured that I've got the real thing...real food.

And since we are on the subject of food. Let's talk about my stalkers. The first stalker is actually a stocker. Yes, I'm talking about the guy who stocks the vending machine. I thought it was just an old man thinking a younger girl was sweet but turns out this 50 year old really does want to take me out. Luckily he told my coworker that his cutoff is 30. He has told everyone in the office that he likes me. I'm half his age. Gross! The truth of the matter is, I attract creepy old men. And all this time I've been wondering why the stars just aren't aligning for me. It's because I'm not creepy and old yet! I feel so much better now that I know.

Second stalker I've never met. He actually stalks my sister at the grocery store in Texas. She told him she had a younger sister and he jumped on that. The other day he caught her at the store and started asking her about her weekend and when she told him she went to her sister's wedding he looked devastated. The crazy thing is that he has never met me or even seen a picture. Now I know my personality has an aura that can reach far away places but Texas is pushing it. Now, my sister is super cute but that is a little presumptuous for him to think that I am just because she is! He was relieved to find out that it was not me who married.

Why do food men like me? Is it because I love to cook? Is it because I love to eat? All I know is if one of those guys tries to give me a lean cuisine. he's gonna get a punch in the face!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Always a bridesmaid?

I just attended my younger sister's wedding and next week I will be attending my best friend's wedding. Now, single girls often joke at a time like this, "Oh, I'm always the bridesmaid, never the bride." So, when this thought popped in my head last week, I thought, "Well shoot, it could be worse. It could be: 'always the bride, never the bridesmaid.' Now that would really suck. How many times could you be the bride? How many times could you get it wrong?" Unfortunately, some people do know the answer to this question.

Weddings are interesting for the single woman. My favorite activity is the catching of the bouquet. I always try to avoid this activity. When I was little I thought it was fun but now it's just awkward. There is a reason I only played softball for one year in the first grade. I can't catch. Your whole life you grow up being teased, "you throw like a girl!" or "you can't catch!" And then what does society do? Tells you that you better catch this odd shaped bouquet of flowers in 4 inch heals with 20 other girls pushing you out of the way OR you might not get married. What the heck?
Well, I did participate but luckily it wasn't thrown anywhere near me. Not because I don't want to get married, but because how embarrassing if I dropped it! Well, my sister threw it too high and it hit the ceiling and some little girl picked it up off the floor. My cute niece was so distraught that she didn't catch the bouquet that she started to cry. Then she came up to me and asked that I would throw my bouquet to her when I get married. So cute.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Complex Candy and the New Office

So, I just recently transferred offices. I now work at the airport location for Enterprise. It's been fun to go back to the airport cause I know quite a few people there but I also get to meet new people. Today, I felt just like in the new girl in grade school. The new girl was always instantly popular and everyone wanted to be friends with her. Well, today all these men kept talking to me. I thought to myself, if I was ugly, they'd probably just say welcome and go about their business. Now, I may sound vain for saying that but the way you look really does change the way others relate to you. If a man is taller or wearing a suit, you automatically treat him with more respect. You are more likely to have a longer conversation with someone you find attractive than one you don't. Now, I'm not going to use my looks to manipulate others but today they did persuade one man into giving me some gifts.

My favorite guy today was the man who stocks the vending machine. He kept asking me about myself and he gave me all this free food: hostess cupcakes, skittles, twizzlers, and gum. Now this was a little creepy cause he is probably 50 or 60 years old. Now, these gifts might win over another girl but these gifts were not my favorite. \

I hate Hostess. Hostess is a mockery of the art of baking. Those are not cupcakes, impostors! I can't believe people actually put those in their mouth and think, "this tastes good." Now, I am so utterly amazed by the human body but I can't believe that such a magnificent creation accepts hostess products and does not utterly reject them through violent vomiting. Consequently, I gave the cupcakes to a friend. I guess that was mean. I should have given them to someone I don't like.

The candy. Now, of course they couldn't be regular skittles or twizzlers. For some reason candy manufacturers think, "Our product is awesome. Let's do something crazy to it!" Okay, the chewy is not better, the sour is not better, the dark chocolate is not better, the white chocolate is not better. The original way is the best, that's why you did it that way in the first place.

The twizzlers were wack. It was like sour ooze in the middle of a crappy piece of licorice.

On the other hand, the skittles had some merit. It was fizzle sour tropical skittles. So it was your typical tropical skittle covered with sour pop rock stuff. You remember the wonder of pop rocks? It was like a party in my mouth! But the whole experience was confusing. At first it's exciting, this little piece of candy makes your tongue fizzle, but then you taste the sour, and you're thinking, "what the heck just happened?" Then, finally you taste the skittle and you're shocked by the familiar taste. Now, at this point you think, "uh, that was weird. I don't think I like these." But the next thing you know, you have another skittle in your mouth. You've been so confused by the first try, you've got to make sure you don't like them. So, you keep eating them. You share a few with your friends to see their reactions. You think, "Should I like these, should I not like these? Will my friends like these? Will they say I'm crazy? I don't know how I feel about these skittles! I need validation! Can anyone support me liking this ambiguous form of sugar that reacts with the saliva on my tongue?"

So, yes, I hate this new candy thing. And that old man has no chance with me now. Women like flowers and chocolates for a reason. They are simple. That's why we like men, they are simple. I am I really need to add to that with candy? I already have a difficult time making decisions, don't confuse me anymore!

Friday, April 9, 2010

If I had a million dollars...

If I had a million dollars,
If I had a million dollars,
I would buy you a fur coat,
but not a real fur coat, that's cruel...

Some of you might recognize this famous song by the Barenaked Ladies. Now, I think this is an important question each of us should address. What would I do if I had a million dollars? Now some of us might say, I'd give it to charity because we'd all like to think of ourselves as selfless. BUT that is a cop-out answer. I'm putting stipulations on this. This one million dollars can't be given to others. So...

If I had a million dollars, I'd
  • get a full body massage weekly
  • get a facial monthly
  • get pedicures and manicures weekly
  • eat salmon every week
  • buy a modest size home with a gourmet kitchen
  • buy a soft-serve ice cream machine I could keep in my house
  • buy a Mercedes Benz
  • buy a nice bike and take up the sport
  • visit Brazil, Western Europe, and New Zealand
  • ski the Alps
  • buy a boat and learn to water ski

There you have it. Now you know that I like to be pampered but keep active and love travel, good food, and a smooth ride.

Now I just need to earn that million...