The oppression of women

Who made this? The first time I saw this shoe I wanted to vomit. I thought the point of tennis shoes was comfort. Now you want to take my comfortable shoes away and make them into heels?! Please tell me that a man invented these because if it was another woman, I think we all need to take her down.

Another fashion trend  that oppresses women is the romper or the one piece jumpsuit.

                

Who brought this back? There is a reason some things go out of style. How am I supposed to go to bathroom in this? Oh wait, that's right! Women don't go to the bathroom. We also never fart. What man would ever consent to wearing a one piece article of clothing. Men don't even have take off their pants, or even underwear, to go to the bathroom. Now women need to take off shirt, pants, and underwear? Nope, I'm not buying one of these things. And you know who wears one piece outfits like this all the time? My 1-year-old son. At least his outfits have snaps at the bottom for easy access.

Another fashion trend that may not seem oppressive, but bothers me nonetheless, is shorts that are so short that you can see the girl's butt cheeks. Now, if you have a nice butt this is a great way for you to showcase it and men will be excited. But you know who isn't excited? Anyone that has to sit on a seat wear you sat. We all sweat and unless you are lathering up your buttocks with deodorant, chances are your butt sweats. On a seat. A public seat. GROSS. This is actually worse for other girls who wear shorts as short as yours because basically your butts kiss on a restaurant booth seat. What did they call that on Modern Family, a lunar landing? I'm glad that my butt is safe because it is covered but I still don't want your sweaty bum germs on my jeans, skirt, or anything else I wear. Plus, doesn't your butt ever stick to the seat? Ew, gross. Does it really take that much effort for you to turn a guy's head? Maybe you need a new haircut or something, because I just don't feel like shorts that short could be comfortable or sanitary.

Well, I'm glad I got that off my chest. Hopefully, women everywhere will realize that we need to fight against this fashion oppression, not just for our comfort but also for our health. 

I dress up, but I don't dress up for you

Remember when you were little and your mom asked you to change into your "play clothes"? I do. Your mom probably asked you to do that because different activities often require a different type of clothing. Since becoming a mom, I have noticed that some moms judge other moms for not dressing nice enough. I'm sorry if my sweatpants offend you. I'm sorry if you don't like my air-dried hair. I'm sorry if it bothers you that I'm not wearing make up. I am in the season of sweatpants. That's right. Now, maybe you got married at 20 and started having children, so I understand that you would still like to dress up. I got married at age 27. That means six years of school, two years of full time work, and a year and half serving a church mission which required that I wear a dress or skirt EVERYDAY! Don't get me wrong, I still like to wear skirts and go shopping. But after years and years of having to dress up everyday, I relish in the fact that I get to choose my own dress code. 

Now, I don't live in sweatpants but when I'm home all day doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, and playing with my child, I am probably wearing sweat pants. I dress up when I go to work. I dress up if I go out with my husband. I dress up if I meet a friend for lunch. But I do not dress up for other people. I've heard that women dress for other women. Maybe that is true, but not here. I'll give you an example. Last week I took my child to playgroup. He loves being around other kids and it is nice to be able to talk to some adults since I only work one day a week. Well, at playgroup you see different kinds of moms. Now, I'm not judging anyone in particular because if someone is really dressed up they might have somewhere to go afterwards. I don't know what their plans are. And I totally understand that maybe you also wear sweatpants everyday and maybe you just wanted an excuse to wear normal clothes. But, there are moms that dress to impress, and there are moms that are secretly competing with you. Maybe on the playground, maybe while picking up their kids from school, wherever. You know, when I went to play group this week I wore jeans...because I couldn't find any clean sweatpants! Ha! And you know, if you find me wearing workout clothes, it isn't because I worked out. It's because they are comfortable and they come from a time when I used to work out. 

Here's the thing, I personally don't care if someone judges me for wearing sweatpants but there are a lot of moms out there that are giving their all to their children and they may not be able to afford the nice clothes that you can afford. These moms may have a difficult child, and something as simple as a shower may be a personal victory. So don't be that mom who judges another mom for not being in style. She doesn't need to turn heads, she doesn't need to compete. If she wants to dress nice because it makes her feel good about herself, more power to her. But she doesn't need anyone making her feel inferior. And if she is being judged other moms it is probably for one of two reasons: 1) They are trying to make themselves feel better by comparing or 2) they are jealous that the other mom doesn't care what everyone else thinks and they wish they were as comfortable as she is. 

Because, after all, sweatpants are where it is at.

My uniform

I don't normally take the "selfie" but the other day I thought that I should document my "mom/wife of a horseman"  uniform. Everyday I wake up and go out to feed the horses before Wyatt wakes up and I need to feed him. As long as I slept in suitable sweats, I typically just slip on these cowboy boots. Now, these boots are a little big because they were given to Isaac by a friend but they are too small for him. So, I claimed them as mine. I used to go out in tennis shoes but we have this horrible weed/grass that leaves stickers everywhere and running shoes are the worst for that. I always wonder what people think as they drive past me as I walk out to get the mail in my sweatpants/cowboy boots combo. Do they think, "oh that is normal" or do they think, "who wears sweat pants with boots?" OR maybe they think, "trash." 

Well, I stay in this uniform to take out the trash, get the mail, feed the dog, really whatever my day requires. I usually postpone showering till before I have to leave the house (don't worry, I shower daily). I do this for three reasons. One, there is about a 7% chance, I might actually do a video workout sometime during the day. Two, housework can make a girl sweaty. And three, if I take a nap, I want to do it before I style my hair. So there you have it, the stay-at-home-mom uniform. 

The teapot

When Isaac and I went to register at Bed, Bath, and Beyond for our wedding registry, we found this little gem. The other day I was reading my Better Homes and Gardens (Yes, I subscribe to the magazine that when I was 15-year-old I swore was only for grandmas) and they had an article on throwing a tea party. And guess what tea pot they featured as a suggestion for your spread? You are looking at it!

Well, I guess we have good taste. Thank you Uncle Brian and Aunt Carolyn for the gift that will make us quite the stylin' tea party throwers. I never drank tea before my mission in Russia. But now I like a nice herbal tea every once in a while and especially when I am sick. I especially love to make a simple lemon and honey tea. I just squeeze the lemon, add a tablespoon of honey and hot water. Well, today I cleaned the teapot and it made me chuckle because it reminded me of something Isaac once said to me. We were talking about the teapot (we must have been drinking tea or something) and then all of a sudden Isaac said, "If we ever get divorced, you can keep everything but I am taking the teapot." It made me laugh pretty hard when he said that. Although I'm pretty positive we will never divorce, I know that if we ever did, Isaac would make sure he got that teapot. He loves that teapot! So, if many years down the road, you see Isaac and I are old, graying, wrinkly and wobbling around hand in hand, you can guess what kept us together. Was it compromise? The kids? Forgiveness? Or was it that Rebecca didn't want to lose that teapot in a divorce? Guess we will just have to wait and see...

Multi-tasker Anonymous

Hi, my name is Rebecca and I'm a multi-tasker. Whew, it feels so good to get that off my chest! I've been caught multitasking not just at home, but also at work. That's how bad it has gotten. Have I breastfed my child while typing a case note at my work office? Guilty! I thought I was being so clever! My husband caught me the other day while multitasking. Isaac had put on the movie Hugo. I thought he wouldn't notice me slipping into the kitchen to clean a few dishes, but then I heard it, "[silence]." He had paused the movie. And then the dreaded, "What do you think you are doing?!" "(nervously) Uh, I'm doing the dishes..." "Get over here and watch this movie with me!" And the dishes just sat there on the counter, dirty, longing to jump into a pool of soapy water. A basket of laundry just three feet away, my hands aching to fold those burp cloths. But Isaac was on guard, which meant only one thing: I had to sit down and watch the movie. Did I enjoy the movie? Of course, but once I had the chance, I was back at it. Those dishes were splishing and splashing.

On a more serious note, this is something I've been thinking about lately. Sometimes our lives become so busy that we are trying to do so many things at one time. I wonder if I am actually enjoying the activity because it's never just one activity; it's always two. So, is TV relaxing if I'm always working while watching TV? Can house work be therapeutic if I am being distracted by the TV? Am I really listening to the person on the phone if I am folding laundry at the same time? Am I more productive for multitasking, or am I just more exhausted? Sometimes I turn off the TV while nursing to focus on my baby, and sometimes I'll lay down on the floor next to my baby while he is playing. It surprises me how quickly I become antsy. Shouldn't I be doing something on my to-do list? What if I just lay here for the next hour, how behind would I get? Would the house become a mess? Would my husband think I was lazy?

I think all mothers (and women) multitask. The job of running a household is about 24 hours of work packed into the 16 hours you actually have. Life is really about how you allocate your time. I guess I'm questioning how I've been allocating mine.

*I give credit to my dear friend Annette for the inspiration behind this post.

Have you ever been caught with your pants down?

So the other day Isaac and I went out to see his horses. While outside I felt something crawling up my pants and then I felt a prick or bite on my thigh. I started to freak out. We were out in the open so I was yelling, "Isaac! Something bit me! Help me!" I was trying to walk over behind a shed before I took off my pants to get the bug out. The bug continued to crawl up. Just when I got my pants down, a repair man that was in the shed walked around and quickly retreated after he saw me in my underwear. The bug flew away right as a got my pants down. I'm pretty sure it was a bee because three days later the area was pretty red still. I'm not sure if you can see it but there is a pretty red spot there in the center.

After, this incident we ended up talking to the repair man and he said that he thought I had been bit by a horse! No, not quite. It did hurt though. It was quite embarrassing but upsetting too. This bee is the one that decided to fly up my pants and then I'm the one that gets hurt? How is that fair? I don't like bees.

The Texas Tech Uniform

Do not be fooled. Just because Texas Tech is a state university does not mean that there is no dress code. Although the university does not specify a school uniform, ironically, the student body has self-elected such a practice. I'm calling it the Tech Trend 2011. Now, we are pretty low key here at Tech. The campus is quite large, so why wear anything but the most comfortable outfit? Who cares if your parents are loaded and you have no excuse to dress in what you wore to bed? Who cares if you drive a fully loaded truck but you don't even own a pair of wranglers? You are rockin' those basketball shorts! What is most important is that you are being educated in exercise clothes! Talk about living the American Dream! What else could better prepare you for the work world and professional dress standards? And, I mean, when else are you going to put those exercise clothes to use? You sleep all morning, go to class in the afternoon. You don't have time to work out. There is a party tonight!

Now, I will describe to you the female uniform. Let's start from the bottom up. If the weather is warm, the female will wear tennis shoes, maybe flip flops. She will be wearing Nike running shorts, and they must have the Nike logo. Any other shorts, and you'd look like a fish out of water.

Here is a little picture I found on the web. As you can see, here is a lady sporting the Nike shorts.

Next is the sorority T-shirt. In the places I've lived, what brand of clothes usually indicates your status but not here at Tech. Your sorority T-shirt will tell everyone who you truly are. Are you in the sorority with girls that like to experiment with drugs? Maybe you are in the sorority of easy girls or rich girls? Or better yet, maybe you are in the sorority of girls with "good personalities." The possibilities are endless! Now, you may be thinking, "They wear the same shirt everyday?" Oh, no! Each girl has about 20 different sorority shirts. So, now you are wondering, what do they wear if it gets cold? No fear, just a few minor changes and the female undergrad is ready to go! Just slip on some leggings under those Nike shorts, and throw on some Ugg boots and a North Face fleece and we are talking S-T-Y-L-E!

Because the Tech Trend 2011 is so prevalent on campus, I'm beginning to wonder if the undergraduates on campus think that I'm a professor. Well, I think I will continue to shop at Banana Republic and wear my workout clothes . . . at the gym.

I think I wanna marry you?

Alright, it is time for another song review. Bruno Mars has written a song with a catchy tune but as I listened to his song I was quite shocked by the lyrics. So here it is. My comments will be in parentheses.

It’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.
(Did you just say you want to do something dumb, and the first thing to come to your mind was to marry me? RUDE!)

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

(Dancing juice? What the heck is that? Is that another vitamin drink scam? And why are we drinking that? Oh yeah, you are into doing "dumb" things.)

Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go,
No one will know,
Come on girl.
Who cares if we’re trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow,
Shots of patron,
And it’s on girl.

(We are getting married in secret and drinking patron? You really know how to treat a girl. Your ideal wedding sounds a little white trash to me. Now, I understand why a girl plans her wedding with their mother and not with the groom. This guy's ideas are wack!)

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

(Whoa, hun, you are drunk. You are stuttering all over the place. Or maybe you really don't understand that I said "no" five times.)

Cause it’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.
(Don't call me baby when you are telling me that it is stupid to marry me.)

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.
(You "think" you want to marry me? Um, I think I'll take a man that "knows" he wants to marry me.)

I’ll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,

(You don't even have a a ring yet?)

So whatcha wanna do?
Let’s just run girl.
If we wake up and you wanna break up that’s cool.
No, I won’t blame you;
It was fun girl.

(WHAT?! If you marry, it is not a break up. It's called a divorce or an annulment. You are so dumb.)

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

(Get sober!)

Cause it’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.
(You have no game.)

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.
(The look in my eyes most likely resembles shock. And, this is not because I'm pleasantly surprised at your proposal. The shock is from the realization that I've been with a complete idiot.)

Just say I do,
Tell me right now baby,
Tell me right now baby.

(No! I don't.)

So although I do like Bruno Mars' music, this marriage proposal sucked.

There are other squirrels in the forest

Well, Thanksgiving is always a special time for me but this year was a different kind of special. This year my parents came in town since both my sister and I live here in Lubbock. We had the traditional Thanksgiving meal and afterwards the kids were begging me to dance like "Dancing in the Stars." So, we were all dancing around when I hear shouting from the kitchen that we are going to some family friends of my sister. The girls got all excited because this family has two boys--my nieces' crushes. So, the girls go change their outfits so they can look cute for the boys and we all pile in the car. I started to wonder what this visit is all about because my sister had told me that the wife in this family has a brother that she'd like to set me up with. So, I'm thinking there is an ulterior motive for me to meet this man. I already knew I was not looking for anyone, so I was not excited to be introduced this man. For a while the brother was not present, so I felt a sense of relief that vanished only 15 minutes later when a chair was set next to me and the brother sat down. Now, I'm sure he is nice but he is around 38 but looks like he is 50. I avoided conversation with him because I didn't want him to ask for my number or anything but inevitably he opened his mouth to jump in the conversation. I just about died. He had a voice that sounded like he had just inhaled air from a helium balloon but with a southern accent. Basically, a chipmunk, southern style. My brother-in-law felt bad and described him as squirrelly, and my sister chimed in, "Don't worry Rebecca, there are other squirrels in the forest." Well, even as awkward as that was, we did get a good laugh. I'm glad that my singleness can bring entertainment to the family but I'm hoping this is not going to be an annual tradition. As much as I care for all God's creations, I'm just not feeling the squirrel.

It's not you, it's the way you smell

Today I want to discuss an important oversight. These days many men are spending hours at the gym, trying to get that six pack. Or they are spending crazy amounts of money on clothes and hair gel. All these efforts are to attract a mate. While we women appreciate these efforts I think it is only appropriate to help out a man in need so I'm letting the men in on a secret. Now, this may seem like a really simple answer to what seems like a complex issue (securing a woman). Wear cologne. Yes, that's right. But, don't just think you can pick up an old sample and and don't think that the more you put on will make it more effective. The key is getting the right cologne. When a man smells good, a girl starts to melt inside. I get all worried that it may start to show that I'm possibly becoming irrational. The right cologne can turn a Chris Farley into Bradley Cooper. Now, you may think I'm only speaking for myself but I have talked with many women about this and it is true, a guy be ugly or fat or even have a bad personality, but if he smells good I think, "this guy is an option!" So, there you have it, if you are trying to find yourself a woman, you first need to find yourself a cologne. View the clip below to see just how it works.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3YIr6L4STo

If I had a rich man

If I had a rich man, sigh. Isn't that what every girl wonders? Now, some people are thinking, what does a girl need a rich man for? Well, this song makes fun of rich wives but also reveals why a rich husband would be useful to a girl. You may want to have the music playing in the background as you read the revised lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBHZFYpQ6nc

Oh dear Lord, you made many, many poor men.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be poor.
But it's no great honor either!
So, why would it be so terrible if I had a rich husband?"

If I had a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long sitting at the country club.
If I had a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I had a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

He'd buy a big tall house with rooms by the dozen,
Right in the middle of the town.
A fine gourmet kitchen with real wooden floors below.
There would be one long staircase just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more just for the real housewives show.

I'd fill my closet with Louis Vuitton and Gucci
just for the girls to see and stare.
gawking just as enviously as they can.
With each loud "Oooo" "ahhh" "Ugh"
Will ring like music to my ears,
As if to say "She's got a wealthy man."

If I had a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long sitting at the country club.
If I had a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy rich,
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

I see myself, his wife, looking like a rich man's wife
With a black Mercedes Benz.
Shopping all day long to my heart's delight.
I see me putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood I'm in.
Enjoying my rich life, day and night.

The most eligible girls in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wise.
"If you please, Reb Crandall..."
"Pardon me, Reb Crandall..."
Posing problems that would cross another therapist's eyes!

And it won't make one bit of difference if i answer right or wrong.
When you're rich, they think you really know!

If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack
Go to the spa, relax, and stay.
And maybe have full body massage.
And I'd discuss grooming trends with experienced women, several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I had a rich man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long sitting at the country club.
If I had a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.

Lord who made the lion and the lamb,
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan?!
If I had a wealthy man.

Reflections on the Lazy River

Yesterday was the last day of Lazy River’s 2010 season. I wanted to share a few special memories.

The Old Man

The old man faithfully attended every Saturday. He would wear very short swim trunks, more like running shorts. The disturbing thing about them was not even the length. It was that the color matched his skin tone. So, from far away you thought the old man was naked. Despite how disturbing this visual was, we persevered and continued to go to the pool.

The Inappropriate Man

Yesterday was special because I did what Rebecca always does, talk too loud. One of my friends was telling me that the old man came in a different swim suit. Then I shouted, “Oh my gosh! Did you see that man in the bright orange Speedo?” Right at that moment, we floated right past him. I was embarrassed because I’m sure he heard but maybe next season he’ll come in something a little less flashy. PS- he was there with his 10 year daughter. Poor child!

Inspiration

The lazy river has also been a place of inspiration for me and my friends. I’m sure you have all heard that shallow people talk about things, normal people talk about people, but great people talk about ideas. Well, the lazy river is where discussions about things and people evolved to a discussion of ideas. Now, when boys go to the pool, they don’t check out other boys, but girls play a game called, “real boobs, fake boobs?” In this game we check out women who have big boobs and try to determine if they are real or fake. Often comments are made like, “boobs that size can’t be that shape” or “those boobs sit way too high for her age.” Then we were discussing how boobs are not that bad. They are actually in probably the most convenient place God could have but them. I suggested the back may have been a better place (have you ever tried to play golf? Sometimes they get in the way). My friends quickly corrected me that if they were on the back it would be difficult to breast feed. Good point. So then I suggest that rather than have a boob job, they should make detachable boobs. Wouldn’t it be great if you could take them off to run and do sports? I thought I was really on to something when someone suggested the inflatable boob. What if you had this little pump that could inflate and deflate your boobs? Kind of like the sleep number mattress. You could control the firmness and everything! Also, they could advertise it like, “Do you have trouble finding clothes to fit you? What if you could you change to fit the clothes?” Shopping for women can be tedious. The dress or shirt doesn’t fit because your boobs are too small or too big. Your buttons pull or pop off because you can’t find a shirt that fits both your shoulders and your chest size. Wouldn’t it be great if you could just adjust yourself? Anyway, I’m thinking we might need to get a copyright or patent this idea. This could really go big.

So, thank you lazy river for all the sun, fun, and inspiration. I’ll see you again in March.

No, I will not send you a dirty picture!

Tonight, I was listening to the radio while driving to zumba and a new song came on, "Take a dirty picture for me, Take a dirty picture." I thought, "Did I just hear right?" Yes, oh yes, I did. Here are the lyrics to this song. In italics, you will see my comments about this song.

Dirty Picture (first off, what do you mean by "dirty"? Do you mean when I'm sweaty after I work out? Or when I'm covered in dirt because I was weeding the garden? When I just mowed the lawn and have grass clippings all over me?)

I could dream of ways to see you (creepy!)
I could close my eyes to dream (okay?)
I could fantasize about you (sounds like you already do. Did I give you permission to do that?)

Tell the world what I believe (what kind of beliefs are we talking about here? This does not sound religious)
But whenever I'm not with you (I'm so glad there are times when I am not with you!)
It's so hard for me to see (Do you need contacts?)
I need to see a picture of you (uh, hello? Facebook! I've posted hundreds of pictures)
A special picture just for me, yeah (You are special but that doesn't mean you get a picture)

So take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Just take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Just send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture
Just send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture
(What does that mean? And if you are referring to a picture of me nude, I'm insulted. When I'm naked, I'm usually very clean cause I'm either in the shower, or I just got out of the shower. And, do you think I am deaf? How many times do you have to say that you want a picture? I heard you, I'm just ignoring you!)

Snap. (Oh no, you did not just say "snap" to me!)
Uh. (are you grunting?)

Whenever you are gone, I just wanna be wit ya (wish the feelings were mutual...)
Please don't get me wrong, I just wanna see a picture (Get you wrong? I don't understand. That statement is not able to mean more than one thing.)

Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
(Here we go again! Really, you are sooooo needy! Stop already!)

Whenever you are gone, I just wanna be wit ya
Please don't get me wrong, I just wanna see your picture
(Do you have amnesia? You just said that)

Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture

(No. Plus, how am I supposed to take a decent picture of myself? It's not like a have a tripod set up)

The dream of ways to see you
I could close my eyes to dream
Fantasize about this with you
But the way is never seen

(You sound like a 13 year old boy. A real man should never sound so desperate.)

Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Just send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture
Send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture

(You have just proven to me that not only are you socially impaired, you also are unoriginal and have an extremely low IQ)

So, I hope to hear songs with better lyrics in the future cause this one sucked. I felt like I was in a hallway at a middle school. I really expect more from artists, but obviously my expectations were too high.

Come On!

By popular request, I am creating another blog post. At first I felt uninspired but alas, a conversation with a good friend lit a fire underneath me. Today I will discuss what you can call laziness or stupidity. Now you're wondering where I'm going...You guessed right. Men! Now I'm not much of a male basher because I actually love men but there are some men that just don't seem to get it. What don't they get? How to get girl. I will site some case studies to prove that men make a simple task very hard. Women may be difficult but we have given men a clear road map and for some reason, they don't use. It's called a "chick flick."

Case Study #1

We will call him RR. RR is a good looking man. He's super fun, has a good job. He's approaching 30 though I'm not quite sure of his age. RR does the typical, "I will date 18-year-olds until one magically has the brain of a 28 year old woman." Sorry buddy! Not gonna happen. Her brain is not fully developed and won't be for another 2 or 3 years. She may have the body you've been dying to make love to, but guess what! She doesn't wanna make love to you! She just stopped playing barbies. So, dear RR, you'll find your special one when you start to date girls a little closer to your age and stage in life.

Case Study #2

We'll call him Fat Truck with a little guy. Now this guy is new on the scene and decides to pull out all the stupid lines like, "You have beautiful eyes" or "We should make out." Yeah...right. Hun, you are gonna need some new material because we've heard it! This may work on the other girls but for those who have been around the block a time or two, we know what you want and it is not our eyes. Stop looking at my backside, perv.

Case Study #3

Army guy. Now this guy had taken out a friend to dinner a couple times and then had the audacity to ask, "So, when are you going to put out?" Really? Did you really just say that? Oh, yes you did. I don't know what kind of trauma you've been in serving in the army and I don't care how many push ups you can do, there is no way any girl should give you the time of day. I have name for you. It starts with A and ends with S.S. Hole.

The following aren't case studies but these are some great quotes from boys who are real masters of the English language.

"You're kissable, just not dateble"

"You're smart and sexy, it just didn't work out for you"

"It's awkward hanging out with you."

"I'm sorry I didn't call, I've been really busy. My cat died."

Okay, now that I've proven that some men are scum, I'm going to let men in on a secret. That stuff you see in the movies? Well, it works! Taking us on a date and paying for it? That works. Opening doors? That works. Buying flowers? That works. Chocolate? Heck yes! Romance? Yeah, that works too. Listening when we babble on? That works. Pretending like you like our families or that you fit in with our friends? That works. So there you have it.

The young Rebecca

My parents came out for Labor Day weekend and brought all my photo albums and memorabilia. There was so much stuff, so I went through it in efforts to get rid of the junk. I came across I few interesting things.

First, was my hero paper. Now, typically a kid might choose a parent or superhero, but not Rebecca. I chose Jay Leno. And I quote:

"I think Jay Leno is the best out of the other comedians because I can understand his jokes."

"I chose Jay Leno as my hero because not very many people would think of him as a hero, but to me he is. He's a hero because he makes me feel relaxed and gets rid of my anger and sadness. I admire for being able to do this just by telling funny jokes. He might not seem to be a hero because he didn't save lives or discover anything important, but to me being able to make people laugh and cheer them up is heroic to me."

I don't really know how to comment on that, but wow.

Second, was an entry in a book each student made for himself. This entry was the "all about me" section.

"My first word was cookie. I began to walk at 13 months. I went to Lutheran preschool, and my best friend was Stephanie. In preschool I had a crush on this boy, I don't remember his name, but when he cried I didn't like him anymore."

Well, I like my men a little tougher. Don't judge me for being insensitive.

Last is an excerpt from a book of self-written poems.

I am a parrot, talking all the time.

I am a snake, having a long tongue.

I am a horse, galloping across the finish line.

I am an alligator, laying in the sun.

I am a monkey, making faces.

I am a kangaroo, jumping around in the day.

I am a giraffe, burping a lot.

I am an eagle, flying high above the clouds.

My personal favorites are the snake and giraffe. It seems as though I was picking the animals because I really did exhibit similar behaviors but the last one talks about flying like an eagle. That never happened. Just don't want you to be confused...but the rest are true.

Reflections on a disturbed childhood

When I reflect back on my childhood, it is typically with fond memories. However, this weekend my parents came to visit and brought my old art projects, which made me question just how great my childhood was. Here are some pieces of my original art. Let's examine these together.

First, we have the pooposaurus. I'm pretty sure that I meant for this to be a dinosaur but it sure looks a lot like feces. I think it means that subconciously, my childhood was crappy.

Next, we have a picture that might look more familiar. I think this is my interpretation of minnie mouse. I'm guessing that the reactions of my classmates and parents when they saw their daughter brought home poop was very traumatic, for both me and everyone else. So, I probably decided to do something less original and more socially acceptable.

Next, we have a little oil lamp. For some reason, this reminds me of Judaism. When I was in grade school there was a secret part of me that really wanted to be Jewish. I had a lot of Jewish friends growing up, but I wanted to be Jewish mostly because of that sweet "Dreidel, dreidel" song we sang every holiday season.

Now, after seeing this, I'm bitter I didn't copy write this face. It looks just like the lemur king off Madagascar. I think this truly captures who I am on the inside. A jungle animal that likes to move it! Just kidding...or am I? I had a friend once tell me that if I was an animal I would be a lemur, so who knows?

This one must have been made during a really rough time. I have no explaination but he is smiling, so I wasn't quite suicidal.

I think around age 9, I was possibly exploring the possibility of becoming a clown. I mean, I already had the white skin, so why not color on my face a little too?

Now, last but definitely not least! I think I was in junior high when I made this. I wish I could say I was on acid but I wasn't. To me this seriously looks like Satan's steed. It looks like the offspring of a goat and unicorn couple who then mated with an orc.

So now you know the real reason I went into therapy. Looks like I've been needing it for quite some time now!

I feel like a rockstar

Whenever I go to my sister's house I feel like a rockstar. As I pull up in the car, they are watching through the blinds...as I walk down the sidewalk, I begin to hear screaming and laughing. As I approach the door step, they swing open the door. One usually becomes shy but the other two run up and begin to hug and kiss me. Then, Dallin will get excited and run around and start to lift up his shirt--now rockstars always get people doing that to them! Anyway, this doorway greeting makes me feel special everytime and it always makes me laugh.

Movie Review! Yay!

So tonight I saw the popular Eclipse. Now I never finished reading the series because I got so frustrated that this young girl was in love with a vampire. I just can't relate. I understand the difficulty in finding a decent guy but I have not reduced my desperate situation to pursuing another species! This film glorifies her dilemma: vampire or wolf? How about a man? Sure men aren't perfect but come on! They aren't that bad. Granted, sometimes they aren't that different from vampires or wolves. I mean, they always want to bite your neck, they run faster than you, they smell bad sometimes, and they usually are quite warmer in body temperature. Still, most of them won't kill you!

One of the first things I noticed about the film is that everyone is wearing a hoodie, except Jacob, of course. I'm not sure if this is a northwest fashion statement but I was so glad that I had my white hoodie. I felt like a true Twilighter (that's my new nickname for the Twilight groupies). I also noticed that before the little battle, the Cullen family were all adorned in their black jackets. I think I'm going to get my family to sport that style in our next family photo. And, if we are feeling really ambitious, maybe we'll use make up to make our skin a lighter, yay!

Now, this film is a drama but I found myself laughing hysterically at times. The first time was when bitter bridezilla sought revenge on her fiance for beating her in the streets thus leading to her becoming a vampire. This scene was so shocking, I couldn't help but laugh out loud because it seemed so ridiculous. However, I can't lie, I was scared! I always pictured that when a bride entered a room to meet her man it would be with a smile....not fangs! I thought, "Yikes! If I was a man I'd never get married after seeing that image!" So if your man is now getting cold feet, it's your fault for dragging him to see this movie in the first place! Shoot, it makes me scared to put on a wedding dress!

I also laughed during the battle when the vampires would break like mannequins. I'm sorry, but I just can't feel bad when people break like glass. It's just so ridiculous.

Now I want to address an important lesson taught in this film. In the movie it shows two incidents when a seductive female vampire falsely proclaimed her love to get man to lead an army of vampires to serve her own selfish purpose. What do we learn? First, women lie, especially when they are vampires. Second, don't fall in love with a female vampire. Third, anytime someone says they love you and then asks you to kill someone, you should probably reevaluate the way you select who you date. "Best bite" should probably not be a determining criterion.

Thanks to this film I have come to several conclusions for myself:

1. Still like men, human men.

2. I'm cool because I own multiple hoodies.

3. I'm grateful to be a woman or I could be at risk to be seduced by one of these demonic female vampires.

4. Taylor Lautner is the best looking 18-year-old I've ever seen

5. I want to make out in a field of purple flowers

Golf is not a sport, it's a game

Let me preface this by saying that I actually think golf is an enjoyable activity. However, I want to take this opportunity to clarify a misconception about golf.

Golf is not a sport.

Now, what is a sport? Webster's dictionary defines a sport as "an active diversion requiring physical exertion and competition." Now obviously, there is an element of competition to golf, but physical exertion? Get real. I'm not saying golf doesn't require talent but when your heart rate doesn't rise, it's not a sport.

There is no running. You drive a motor vehicle that can't go over 10 miles per hour. This activity is not even dangerous. The only chance of injury is if you are golfing in Florida and decide to stick your hand in a pond to retrieve your ball and find that an alligator has decided your arm is his afternoon snack.

In addition, how can you call it a sport when most people on the golf course are "retired"? If you are too old to work an office job, don't tell me that you have the energy to engage daily in a sport. Oh wait, you don't. That's why they invented the golf cart because walking would be too rigorous.

I'm not alone in this. Even the Olympic committee does not consider it a sport. And if you can drink a beer while golfing, please tell me how it is a sport. You don't see a track star or a soccer player drinking a beer on the sidelines. You drink a beer while watching sports...not playing them. And just because Tiger Woods drinks a Gatorade while playing doesn't make it a sport. I can drink a Gatorade on my couch, does that make watching TV a sport? I think not.

Golf is a game like croquet, and I don't know anyone who thinks croquet is a sport. And just because it is in the sports section of a high school yearbook doesn't mean a thing. Cheerleading is also in that section. Think about that...

Girl Talk: Furniture 101

Names will not be disclosed for the other parties privacy.

C: I need to get a couch
Me: Yes, you do. A couch is a prerequisite to a boyfriend.

Weeks later...

(sitting in C's apartment on her roommate's couch. Her roommate is moving out soon)

M: Are these your couches?
C: It's my roommate's couches.
M: Is she divorced? Divorced people have couches.
Me: Uh, I have couches. What are you saying?

(laughing)

C: I don't have room for a couch, so I'm getting a love seat.
Me: A love sac is a prerequisite to a hook up.
M: How about you get a sectional?
Me: A 'sex'tional? Sounds like foreplay to me...