Monday, March 29, 2010

Santa Maria and the Minivan

I have something more to confess. . .

First, a Santa Maria air freshener hangs from my rear view mirror. Each day on my way to work I sing to Maria. You may wonder where she came from and ironically, we met in Las Vegas at McDonald's. My friend gave her to me in the parking lot there and told me the virgin would bring me good luck. And...she has! I always find great parking spots now! So, although I don't believe in worshipping Mother Mary, this little air freshener has improved my quality of may want to think about getting yourself a little Santa Maria air freshener.

Second, I love the minivan. I know SUVs are the new rave and that minivans are for "less cool" moms but I am feeling the minivan! Let me tell you why I love the minivan.

1. It's the perfect height off the ground. You don't have to jump up into it or bend down to get in, you just slide right on in.
2. It's comfortable for all passengers.
3. You don't have to wait for someone to get out and bend up their chair so you can get out of the back seat.
4. The doors are electric...boogie woogie woogie!
5. Children think minivans are the coolest thing ever!
6. The minivan does not falsely make lame-o people look cool or rich like an Escalade does.
7. Gas mileage is considerably decent.
8. Minivans are great for road trips.
9. Minivans are more eco friendly than SUVs.
10. Maximum luggage space without having to drive around a semi truck's baby.

Now, I don't mean to knock the SUV because they are great for going up into the mountains and towing boats and such, but let's be honest. . .it's a status symbol for most people. So, you may think you look cooler in an SUV and you might, but then you have me wondering if you ever looked cool before you got into the SUV.

Oh, I feel better now.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Thanksgiving in March

Today I made a turkey. Now, I put the turkey in the refrigerator on Thursday night because I wanted to cook it on Sunday while I was at church. So this morning I pull out the turkey to start seasoning it. First things first, I needed to take out the innards. There was this strange plastic thing binding the legs, so I had to get rid of that. Now it looked like a could just rip it out but of course it wasn't that easy. So I whipped out the scissors to cut it but that was when I realized that this plastic thing was going to be more complicated to remove because the turkey was still frozen on the inside. So, I keep trying to pull the legs apart so I can get inside the turkey's cavity. Finally I get my hand in only to realize there is ice everywhere. So I let the turkey sit in water for about an hour.

Return to the turkey
So my second attempt to remove the unwanted body parts was more promising. Finally I am able to chip away the ice and I find this large bone right in the middle. So I start pulling on it trying to get it out. I don't know why, but I really didn't know what this bone was. I was thinking "why is there a bone smack dab in the middle of the turkey's cavity?" Hmm. Well, my hands kept slipping and I couldn't get it out for a while. mind you I'm splashing water all over the place. Finally, I get it out and realize it was the neck as I see the curved end, which explains why it didn't come straight out.

Buttering up the turkey
So now I put some butter on my hands and stick my hands in between the skin and breast trying to butter it up and get some spices in there. I'm pretty sure you are supposed to use sage and rosemary but I forgot to buy those, so I used thyme and bay leaves. Well, I'm coming from the behind and realize that the skin doesn't let up all the way from that end so then I try to find an opening at the head of the turkey where I can get the butter and spices in between the skin and turkey breast. So, now I'm buttering up the turkey from the head and I notice this paper sticking out. I was thinking, "why'd they put paper in the turkey?" So I pull on it, and what comes out? Yep, the gizzards.

So finally, it's ready and I stick it in the oven. Now I let it cook while I was at church and that little poppy thing never popped up. So I didn't really know when it was done. I think I cooked it a little too long but it turned out alright. The most exciting part was when I used the baster to get some juices to make gravy and accidentally sprayed my friend.

Well, the rolls, potatoes, and yams turned out great and the turkey wasn't too dry. Yes, we skipped the stuffing. I know, it's crime to make a Thanksgiving dinner without stuffing. I also know it is weird to have Thanksgiving in March but it's also weird that girls dream about their boyfriends turning into vampires.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Shout out to Alicia Keys

I have a friend that loves loves hip hop and jazz. She introduced me to this awesome song by Alicia Keys. She hit it right on the head. So for all you young lovers out there, here is the key to relationship bliss. . . and don't worry, we were singing this song with all the soul that two white girls can possibly muster. To say the least, our stoplight neighbors were entertained.

Click below to be enlightened.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Confessions of a Chocoholic

So, a blog is a great place to confess something. If you confess to a priest, then you feel guilty for committing the same act again. If you confess to a support group and you slip up, you feel that you are letting a whole group down. Plus, you are committed to reporting weekly on your progress (or lack thereof). But on a blog you can throw your confession out into the universe with little consequence or guilt. In fact, some might actually validate the confession because they too share your problem.

Here is my confession. . . I eat chocolate everyday. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot; often in the form of ice cream; sometimes in baked goods. I like it milky, dark, and even white. No discrimination here. Dessert is not dessert unless it has chocolate in it.

I don't know why I'm addicted to chocolate. Is it because I'm a woman? Is it because I'm single? Is it because I've had sweet tooth since I was two years old?

The real problem is that society now validates this habit. Almost weekly the news tells us that we should eat 2 oz. of dark chocolate. Okay, really? Did I ever need a good reason to eat chocolate? Delicious was enough for me. But this health recommendation makes it so easy to justify eating chocolate daily.

Now, even though dark chocolate is more concentrated, do you think that that makes a difference to me? Um, no! And let's be honest, anyone who can limit themselves to 2 oz. could never claim to even like chocolate. If you are this type of person, I would not suggest ever owning up to this or our friendship could end right now. See, this must be an addiction because it is influencing my relationships! If you asked me to give up chocolate or a friend, I would probably give up the friend. I can always make a new friend but what could replace chocolate? Maybe cheesecake but then again I love chocolate cheesecake!

Now the true test to see if I really am addicted, would be to abstain from chocolate and see if I experience any withdrawals. At this time I have no desire whatsoever to even try this. But I'll think about it. . .

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Bump it

I am so glad I created this blog so that I can use it as a forum to discuss important political, social, and even grooming issues.
Today, I think it is imperative that we talk about "the Bump it." Now some of you might not be familiar with"the Bump it." Some might only recognize the Bump it by the name of the off brand item, "High on Hair." I don't know why they thought the name "High on Hair" was marketable, or even clever. It only made me think, "Nope, if I'm gonna get high, marijuana still sounds like the better choice...and that's illegal." This "High on Hair" should be illegal! But you know what? "Bump it" isn't a great name either. To me, it sounds like a suggestive dance move. . . in fact, I think I've heard that term in a rap song.

So . . . for those of you who have missed the infomercial attractively portraying this hair piece and what it can do for your hair, I will enlighten you. Look at this girl to the left. She actually is a very cute girl, nice face. But what's up with the shape of her head? Did she get drunk and fall out of a moving car and bump her head on the cement? How else do you get a bump that large on the back of your head? Well, no, this is actually something some women consider attractive. If you have a normal shaped head and your hair falls naturally, you could be endangering your chances of getting picked up on. Yes, a man could look at you and think, "Her head looks...round. She has a nice face but her hair is so...flat. I like a girl who wears a bump it. I just love when we make out and it it begins to get a bit more heated. I start running my hands through her hair, and then like digging for treasure, my finger tips run into the Bump it!Yes! Yes! Yes!"
My favorite is this next girl. She has a little bit of the Sarah Palin look going on. Look at her confidence as she points those index fingers; she knows she's got it going on!
Now the first time I saw the Bump it, I was confused. I was sitting in church, attempting to think about Jesus and became distracted by the girl sitting in front me. I thought, "What is up with her hair? Is that the shape of her head? If that's her hair, did she do that on purpose? Does she know I can't see anything because her hair is so tall?" Well, I thought, okay, one misguided woman. But then I saw another, and hers looked worse! Then I was at the gym, sweating, my hair a hot mess and I see a girl on a treadmill. Yes! It was the one from church! And she was wearing the Bump it! At the gym! Now when you work out you shouldn't wear jewelry. I also think a hard plastic thing in your hair could also be hazardous. But maybe that's just me. . .
Now some of you might think that I'm judgmental, but I firmly believe in the motto, "don't knock it till you try it." Yes, I have worn a Bump it. I even wore it in public. A good friend gave me one (actually it is the "High on Hair" brand) as a gag gift and I decided to try it out at a party. Well, no one got my number and by the end of the night, the plastic spokes were sticking up out of my hair. Success story, I think not.

Top ten reasons to not own a Bump it
10. Big hair was cool in the 80's, it's 2010.
9. No matter how many bump its you use, the polygamists still have higher hair than you ever will.
8. It's actually a little painful to wear, kind of like those stiff headbands.
7. People will talk about you behind your hair, I mean behind your back.
6. Guys like big butts, not big hair. I've never heard a song say, "I like big hair and I cannot lie..."
5. People wonder about the shape of your head
4. You block others' vision
3. You have created extra space where bugs can create a home
2. You are living a do not have that much hair
1. You have purchased something sold on an infomercial

Monday, March 8, 2010

By popular request...

Yes, I have finally decided to start a blog. This is long overdue, but. . .I was lazy. I was quite unsure about what snazzy name I could choose for my blog. What small phrase could possibly capture my personality? Well, I was grateful to find out that I can change the title if I need to.
So...why "the domestic unwife"? Well, a friend of a friend has a blog named, "the undomesticated housewife." I was telling a friend about how I wanted a clever title like hers and joked, "what would mine be called, 'the domesticated unwife'?" It stuck. Except "domesticated" make me feel like some kind of farm animal, so I chose "domestic" instead.

Now, let's talk about my domestic side. I love to cook and even clean. And the biggest surprise of all is that I can even sew. . .and I have pictures to prove it! Believe it or not, I did make these pillows (I did get a little help from my mother).
Now, about the "unwife". . . well it is important that everyone knows that the "un" doesn't mean, "ew, gross." It's actually because I am not married, not that I'm disgusting. . .though if I was disgusting that would explain why I'm single...but then the wife part would be confusing.
This blog will be filled with sarcastic anecdotes from my life. If you decide to follow my blog, I hope that my experiences will put a smile on your face and bring more laughter to your life.