Sunday, May 30, 2010

Being funny isn't very ladylike

So, a couple months back I found out that some of my favorite comedic female TV personalities were lesbians, Sue Sylvester from Glee, Wanda Sykes....Well, I started to think, all the funny women are lesbians. I tried to think of funny women who were straight and couldn't think of a single one! Then it dawned on me, "Oh no! I'm funny! People probably think I'm a lesbian!" This explains a lot. It explains the decrease in dates. It explains why gay men try to date me when trying to hide their sexuality. These guys are thinking, "This is a win-win. People will think we're both straight!" Problem? Yeah, I am straight! Does our society think that humor is purely a more masculine characteristic? I've always considered myself feminine but maybe I just never realized that being funny isn't very ladylike.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Candy, plants, and psychos

The candy man came by again and gave me some peanut butter m&m's. Yum! I guess when he walked outside he talked to my coworker and said the following: "I talked to her one night when she was the only working and I asked her what her age is. She's 25. If she had said 27 or 28, it could have maybe worked." My coworker told me she was thinking, "No, it wouldn't have worked then either!" Well, if he wants to think he is refusing to date me that's just fine. I'm kind of relieved.

Well, I've decided that is time that I care for a growing, living thing and don't worry I'm not pregnant. I bought plants! I don't like pets but they shed and smell bad and have to be potty trained so they are not an option for me. But plants are pretty, and these smell good and taste yummy! I bought some herbs. And I didn't realize there would be a variety of each herb. The basil was easy to tell, cause I could pick out the right kind by smell but the sage was a different story. It didn't smell...so I had try it. Yep, I snatched off one of those leaves and licked it a couple times. And ding, ding we had a winner! So, I hope they live so I can cook delicious meals.

So... we had a renter whose credit card declined when she returned the car. My coworker called her to get payment. The lady yelled at my coworker and told her that she hated her several times. Then she called back and told me to tell my coworker sorry and that she would be nice to me because she had taken some tranquilizers. (What the heck?) She asked for her balance and I asked if she had her contract and she was like, "No, no. I'm trying to forget you. You all are horrible." Then I told her the balance and she starts freaking out that she can't pay it by Friday and then tells me that she is going to blow out her brains and asks if that will satisfy me. I was dumbfounded. What kind of sick person does she think I am? Who would someone's suicide satisfy? I thought to myself, "who would kill themselves over having $600 go to collections." This confusion cause me to not respond and then she asks, "Are you there? Did you hang up?" I responded, "No, I'm still here. I just don't know how to respond to that." Then she tells me that I can just send "the evil collections" after her and that I can send my mafia or better yet I can send the real mafia. Then at the end she says how she is going to transfer funds and then take more tranquilizers! CRAZY!

So, that's the update on my life.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Golf is not a sport, it's a game


Let me preface this by saying that I actually think golf is an enjoyable activity. However, I want to take this opportunity to clarify a misconception about golf.

Golf is not a sport.

Now, what is a sport? Webster's dictionary defines a sport as "an active diversion requiring physical exertion and competition." Now obviously, there is an element of competition to golf, but physical exertion? Get real. I'm not saying golf doesn't require talent but when your heart rate doesn't rise, it's not a sport.

There is no running. You drive a motor vehicle that can't go over 10 miles per hour. This activity is not even dangerous. The only chance of injury is if you are golfing in Florida and decide to stick your hand in a pond to retrieve your ball and find that an alligator has decided your arm is his afternoon snack.

In addition, how can you call it a sport when most people on the golf course are "retired"? If you are too old to work an office job, don't tell me that you have the energy to engage daily in a sport. Oh wait, you don't. That's why they invented the golf cart because walking would be too rigorous.

I'm not alone in this. Even the Olympic committee does not consider it a sport. And if you can drink a beer while golfing, please tell me how it is a sport. You don't see a track star or a soccer player drinking a beer on the sidelines. You drink a beer while watching sports...not playing them. And just because Tiger Woods drinks a Gatorade while playing doesn't make it a sport. I can drink a Gatorade on my couch, does that make watching TV a sport? I think not.

Golf is a game like croquet, and I don't know anyone who thinks croquet is a sport. And just because it is in the sports section of a high school yearbook doesn't mean a thing. Cheerleading is also in that section. Think about that...

Girl Talk: Furniture 101

Names will not be disclosed for the other parties privacy.

C: I need to get a couch
Me: Yes, you do. A couch is a prerequisite to a boyfriend.

Weeks later...

(sitting in C's apartment on her roommate's couch. Her roommate is moving out soon)

M: Are these your couches?
C: It's my roommate's couches.
M: Is she divorced? Divorced people have couches.
Me: Uh, I have couches. What are you saying?

(laughing)

C: I don't have room for a couch, so I'm getting a love seat.
Me: A love sac is a prerequisite to a hook up.
M: How about you get a sectional?
Me: A 'sex'tional? Sounds like foreplay to me...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Another...

video

I wrote this song probably about 5 years ago. This song is about my relationship with my dad. What I like about this song is that I'm sure other people can relate to a lot of the feelings I share in the song although it was such a personal struggle at the time I wrote it.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Here she is...

video

So, this is a song that I actually started writing on my mission. I don't know why but the chorus came to me while showering one day. I wrote down the lyrics planning to finish the song when I got home and had a guitar in hand. I love this song because most of my songs are about relationships that didn't work out but this one is about (cross my fingers) one that will work out.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Dog Movies


What is it with the dog movies? Now granted I didn't grow up with a dog so I have no strong affinity towards dogs, but when I go to a movie I don't want to see a dog superhero or even Lassie. I'm just not interested in these stories about dogs. So the other day my friend and I rented a movie and we were watching the previews and this dog movie was advertised. The movie looks absolutely stupid but it's based on a true story so I guess a shouldn't knock it. The name of the movie was Hachi. What kind of dog name is that? Hachi sounds like Japanese martial arts to me.

Anyway, after they showed scenes with the dog who appears? RiChArD GeAr?!?! Really? Have you really lossed all your sex appeal that you are now in dog movies? And, to add to that...it never even made it to theaters...why? Because people don't want to see movies about a dog! Sure we like dogs because we can play outside with them and pet their soft hair but who wants to sit for two hours and watch a dog. Dogs like to watch us...not the other way around.

Well, I just needed to put that out there. And, although Richard doesn't read my blog I just have to let him know that Hachi was a bad career move. Sorry, Richie. Just not feeling it.

Monday, May 3, 2010

I grew up in Eden


I grew up in Eden. It’s been about two years since I’ve been home to St. Louis. Sometimes you don’t know how much you’ve missed a place until you've returned to it. I’ve always known that I have strong attachments to people but never realized how attached I could grow to a place.
I got into St. Louis pretty late and as I sat on my suitcase waiting for my step dad to pick me up, I felt the most peaceful calmness settle over me as the humid air blew through my hair. It smelled like home. The next morning I woke up and decided to go for a run like so many times before. I stepped outside and I just wanted to cry. It was so beautiful, so green. I felt like I had returned to the Garden of Eden.



Now, most people probably think of St. Louis as just another city but it is such a beautiful place. The spring turns the grass and trees as green as a rain forest. The fall is the most beautiful death you could behold, and as the crisp air pulls the leaves off the trees, it takes your breath with it. The winter is mysteriously unpredictable but when snow covers the forest of trees, you feel as though God has laid a white blanket over you to keep you warm until the spring comes again.

St. Louis is not just another city, it's a little piece of heaven on earth.