Thursday, September 30, 2010

No, I will not send you a dirty picture!

Tonight, I was listening to the radio while driving to zumba and a new song came on, "Take a dirty picture for me, Take a dirty picture." I thought, "Did I just hear right?" Yes, oh yes, I did. Here are the lyrics to this song. In italics, you will see my comments about this song.

Dirty Picture (first off, what do you mean by "dirty"? Do you mean when I'm sweaty after I work out? Or when I'm covered in dirt because I was weeding the garden? When I just mowed the lawn and have grass clippings all over me?)

I could dream of ways to see you (creepy!)
I could close my eyes to dream (okay?)
I could fantasize about you (sounds like you
already do. Did I give you permission to do that?)
Tell the world what I believe (what kind of beliefs are we talking about here? This does not sound religious)
But whenever I'm not with you (I'm so glad there are times when I am not with you!)
It's so hard for me to see (Do you need contacts?)
I need to see a picture of you (uh, hello? Facebook! I've posted hundreds of pictures)
A special picture just for me, yeah (You are special but that doesn't mean you get a picture)

So take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Just take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Just send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture
Just send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture
(What does that mean? And if you are referring to a picture of me nude, I'm insulted. When I'm naked, I'm usually very clean cause I'm either in the shower, or I just got out of the shower. And, do you think I am deaf? How many times do you have to say that you want a picture? I heard you, I'm just ignoring you!)

Snap. (Oh no, you did not just say "snap" to me!)
Uh. (are you grunting?)

Whenever you are gone, I just wanna be wit ya (wish the feelings were mutual...)
Please don't get me wrong, I just wanna see a picture (Get you wrong? I don't understand. That statement is not able to mean more than one thing.)

Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
(Here we go again! Really, you are sooooo needy! Stop already!)

Whenever you are gone, I just wanna be wit ya
Please don't get me wrong, I just wanna see your picture
(Do you have amnesia? You just said that)

Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
(No. Plus, how am I supposed to take a decent picture of myself? It's not like a have a tripod set up)

The dream of ways to see you
I could close my eyes to dream
Fantasize about this with you
But the way is never seen
(You sound like a 13 year old boy. A real man should never sound so desperate.)

Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Take a dirty picture for me
Take a dirty picture
Just send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture
Send the dirty picture to me
Send the dirty picture
(You have just proven to me that not only are you socially impaired, you also are unoriginal and have an extremely low IQ)

So, I hope to hear songs with better lyrics in the future cause this one sucked. I felt like I was in a hallway at a middle school. I really expect more from artists, but obviously my expectations were too high.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Come On!

By popular request, I am creating another blog post. At first I felt uninspired but alas, a conversation with a good friend lit a fire underneath me. Today I will discuss what you can call laziness or stupidity. Now you're wondering where I'm going...You guessed right. Men! Now I'm not much of a male basher because I actually love men but there are some men that just don't seem to get it. What don't they get? How to get girl. I will site some case studies to prove that men make a simple task very hard. Women may be difficult but we have given men a clear road map and for some reason, they don't use. It's called a "chick flick."

Case Study #1
We will call him RR. RR is a good looking man. He's super fun, has a good job. He's approaching 30 though I'm not quite sure of his age. RR does the typical, "I will date 18-year-olds until one magically has the brain of a 28 year old woman." Sorry buddy! Not gonna happen. Her brain is not fully developed and won't be for another 2 or 3 years. She may have the body you've been dying to make love to, but guess what! She doesn't wanna make love to you! She just stopped playing barbies. So, dear RR, you'll find your special one when you start to date girls a little closer to your age and stage in life.

Case Study #2
We'll call him Fat Truck with a little guy. Now this guy is new on the scene and decides to pull out all the stupid lines like, "You have beautiful eyes" or "We should make out." Yeah...right. Hun, you are gonna need some new material because we've heard it! This may work on the other girls but for those who have been around the block a time or two, we know what you want and it is not our eyes. Stop looking at my backside, perv.

Case Study #3
Army guy. Now this guy had taken out a friend to dinner a couple times and then had the audacity to ask, "So, when are you going to put out?" Really? Did you really just say that? Oh, yes you did. I don't know what kind of trauma you've been in serving in the army and I don't care how many push ups you can do, there is no way any girl should give you the time of day. I have name for you. It starts with A and ends with S.S. Hole.

The following aren't case studies but these are some great quotes from boys who are real masters of the English language.

"You're kissable, just not dateble"
"You're smart and sexy, it just didn't work out for you"
"It's awkward hanging out with you."
"I'm sorry I didn't call, I've been really busy. My cat died."

Okay, now that I've proven that some men are scum, I'm going to let men in on a secret. That stuff you see in the movies? Well, it works! Taking us on a date and paying for it? That works. Opening doors? That works. Buying flowers? That works. Chocolate? Heck yes! Romance? Yeah, that works too. Listening when we babble on? That works. Pretending like you like our families or that you fit in with our friends? That works. So there you have it.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The young Rebecca

My parents came out for Labor Day weekend and brought all my photo albums and memorabilia. There was so much stuff, so I went through it in efforts to get rid of the junk. I came across I few interesting things.

First, was my hero paper. Now, typically a kid might choose a parent or superhero, but not Rebecca. I chose Jay Leno. And I quote:
"I think Jay Leno is the best out of the other comedians because I can understand his jokes."

"I chose Jay Leno as my hero because not very many people would think of him as a hero, but to me he is. He's a hero because he makes me feel relaxed and gets rid of my anger and sadness. I admire for being able to do this just by telling funny jokes. He might not seem to be a hero because he didn't save lives or discover anything important, but to me being able to make people laugh and cheer them up is heroic to me."

I don't really know how to comment on that, but wow.

Second, was an entry in a book each student made for himself. This entry was the "all about me" section.
"My first word was cookie. I began to walk at 13 months. I went to Lutheran preschool, and my best friend was Stephanie. In preschool I had a crush on this boy, I don't remember his name, but when he cried I didn't like him anymore."
Well, I like my men a little tougher. Don't judge me for being insensitive.

Last is an excerpt from a book of self-written poems.

I am a parrot, talking all the time.
I am a snake, having a long tongue.
I am a horse, galloping across the finish line.
I am an alligator, laying in the sun.
I am a monkey, making faces.
I am a kangaroo, jumping around in the day.
I am a giraffe, burping a lot.
I am an eagle, flying high above the clouds.

My personal favorites are the snake and giraffe. It seems as though I was picking the animals because I really did exhibit similar behaviors but the last one talks about flying like an eagle. That never happened. Just don't want you to be confused...but the rest are true.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Reflections on a disturbed childhood

When I reflect back on my childhood, it is typically with fond memories. However, this weekend my parents came to visit and brought my old art projects, which made me question just how great my childhood was. Here are some pieces of my original art. Let's examine these together.

First, we have the pooposaurus. I'm pretty sure that I meant for this to be a dinosaur but it sure looks a lot like feces. I think it means that subconciously, my childhood was crappy.

Next, we have a picture that might look more familiar. I think this is my interpretation of minnie mouse. I'm guessing that the reactions of my classmates and parents when they saw their daughter brought home poop was very traumatic, for both me and everyone else. So, I probably decided to do something less original and more socially acceptable.

Next, we have a little oil lamp. For some reason, this reminds me of Judaism. When I was in grade school there was a secret part of me that really wanted to be Jewish. I had a lot of Jewish friends growing up, but I wanted to be Jewish mostly because of that sweet "Dreidel, dreidel" song we sang every holiday season.

Now, after seeing this, I'm bitter I didn't copy write this face. It looks just like the lemur king off Madagascar. I think this truly captures who I am on the inside. A jungle animal that likes to move it! Just kidding...or am I? I had a friend once tell me that if I was an animal I would be a lemur, so who knows?

This one must have been made during a really rough time. I have no explaination but he is smiling, so I wasn't quite suicidal.

I think around age 9, I was possibly exploring the possibility of becoming a clown. I mean, I already had the white skin, so why not color on my face a little too?

Now, last but definitely not least! I think I was in junior high when I made this. I wish I could say I was on acid but I wasn't. To me this seriously looks like Satan's steed. It looks like the offspring of a goat and unicorn couple who then mated with an orc.

So now you know the real reason I went into therapy. Looks like I've been needing it for quite some time now!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

I feel like a rockstar

Whenever I go to my sister's house I feel like a rockstar. As I pull up in the car, they are watching through the I walk down the sidewalk, I begin to hear screaming and laughing. As I approach the door step, they swing open the door. One usually becomes shy but the other two run up and begin to hug and kiss me. Then, Dallin will get excited and run around and start to lift up his shirt--now rockstars always get people doing that to them! Anyway, this doorway greeting makes me feel special everytime and it always makes me laugh.