I'm scared

Today I'm going to share a little secret with you: I'm scared. 

About a year and a half ago, I looked down and saw those two beautiful lines. We were going to have a baby. Shortly thereafter, I did some research like any responsible mom-to-be would do. I found out that I needed to sleep on my side, and not just any side, preferably the left. I always slept on my right side, so I was going to have to switch. It was hard to fall asleep on my left side. Would my baby get enough blood flow if I'm lying on my right side? 

Most women know that they shouldn't drink alcohol or smoke while pregnant. Nowadays, you get on the Internet to discover that your favorite turkey sandwich could cause you to miscarry. As you talk with other moms, you find out that the list goes on and on. I remember the day I found out that I should not use my facial cleanser because it contained salicylic acid. This facial care regimen had been the only one in years that controlled my acne and I was going to have to give it up too? Or I might kill my baby?! I'd had enough. I used my cleanser.

But the truth is, I felt guilty. All the articles had scared me. I was so scared that anything I do might jeopardize the life that was growing inside me. But it didn't stop there. After Wyatt was born I was so worried that he would die of SIDS. Now he is nine months old and the worry doesn't go away. Some may say, "Oh, that is part of being a mother." But I don't think it is. I think it is part of living in the world today.

We know so much today. Studies upon studies are being published. I remember years ago when "they" came out and said that eggs were bad for your health. Now eggs are great for your health. Vaccines cause autism. Now that has been dis-proven (or so they say). I am part of a Facebook group of mothers who use natural methods to treat their families. Many of them are against vaccinations and much of modern medicine. I remember being a kid and knowing "medicine is good" and it will make you feel better. Now, I feel like I can never know if the remedy is better than the problem. And this is why I'm scared. All this research and knowledge feels paralyzing. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. And that is really scary as a mom because you make a lot of decisions for this little life that has been entrusted to you. 

There is the phrase that knowledge is power. But is it? If knowledge is power, then why, in this information age, do I feel so weak? In my opinion, we may know more today, but we are more anxious than ever before. I should know, I'm a therapist. You would think that I would have learned how to cure my own anxiety. In today's world, there is always someone who is ready to tell us how to live life better, how to eat better, how to exercise better, how to look younger, how to parent better. It is hard to just "be" when there are so many messages telling you "Do this! Don't do that!" I wish I could say that the messages don't penetrate through my skull but they do, and they have made me more anxious than I've ever been in the past. 

The other day I was thinking about when I was a kid. We had convinced my mom to let us get a trampoline. I had always been a more cautious child but I had worked my way up to trying more daring acrobats on the trampoline. I could finally do the back flip. Then one day, I landed on my head. I got so scared that I might break my neck that I never did a back flip again. Now, trampolines are dangerous and I could have broken my neck but as I look back on that day, I cry. I cry because I realize that I let the fear win. And though my circumstances are different now, the fear still wins sometimes robbing me of peace. 

Two days ago, Isaac and I brought Wyatt into our room and we were all just hanging out on the bed. Wyatt was being his adorable self and Isaac and I were smiling and laughing as we enjoyed watching him play. Isaac said to me, "I hope we get to enjoy him for a long time." When he said this, it made me sad but it also gave me peace. It made me sad because I realized that I don't get to decide how long Wyatt is in my life. But it gave me peace because I also realized the truth. Isaac and I don't own Wyatt. He isn't some possession that I own or control. He is an individual soul that God has entrusted to me and Isaac. Once I began to see it from this new perspective, I gained peace and felt grateful that Wyatt is in my life at all. In moments like these, I am grateful to have a spouse who is strong where I am weak.

For a while now, I have thought that I need to work on managing my stress and anxiety. I know it is important for me, as a mother, to be focused and living in the moment. I can't remember if I heard this somewhere or if it was my own thought, but I deeply believe in what I am about to say. I can never expect my child to be more than what I am. If I am not honest, if I am not kind, I can't expect my child to be honest or kind. And if I am insecure or anxious or any other thing, I shouldn't be surprised to find that my child struggles with these same things. So knowing that I'm easily stressed and anxious about living in today's world, I'm going to do what I can to find courage and peace. I may not cure myself of anxiety but I will be that much closer, and hopefully, my children will be too.