Perfectionism: Let's talk about this beast

Perfectionism. Sounds nice because it has the word "perfect" in it. But perfectionism is really a thief of happiness. I've been working with a few clients lately where I've found perfectionism at the root of their depression and anxiety. I actually consider myself to be a recovering perfectionist, so I know first hand that perfectionism is a bad thing. The problem with perfectionism is that it looks so good from the outside, and is so appealing from the inside. Imagine that you could really make yourself perfect. Imagine that you could control things, almost everything. How nice to control your grades, your success, your relationships, and never forget, your body. I want to share with you my own experience with perfectionism, and I hope that by sharing my experience I might be able to help others who could benefit from what I have to say.

I remember a time in high school when I was in a very bad place and I had no clue I was there. That is how perfectionism works. To everyone else you are succeeding. You may be doing well in school or have the perfect figure but inside you are all out of wack. In the LDS church they have a program for young women called Personal Progress. There is this book and you have several activities to choose from that you are to complete to help you be a better daughter, church member, and community member. It teaches young women to be charitable and set goals. While this is a good skill, a perfectionist can take this to a whole new level. I remember being in high school and setting goals for my life in the areas of school, body, and spirituality. I had straight A's, had lost weight, and was reading my scriptures for 20 minutes a day. I remember looking at the progress on my goals and I had the thought, "I'm doing so good. I'm like, perfect." As I think back to that moment, I want to throw up. Not because I was delusional or egotistical, but because there was a girl who thought she needed to be perfect. I was so focused on being perfect, who knows what I missed? But now I think I do know what I missed. I missed out on relationships. Perfectionism is isolating and you don't even realize it. In high school, I would say that I was above average on the attractive scale but I seemed to have trouble connecting with boys. I remember hearing that boys had made comments that I was too opinionated or smart or the like. In reality, I was probably just unrelatable. I was so busy projecting perfection that people came last.

The craziest part about perfectionism is that it is completely unnecessary. What would have happened if I had received a "B"? Nothing. My mom wouldn't have been mad. She would have loved me just the same. But I've noticed that many people who have struggled with perfectionism don't resort to perfectionism out of fear of retribution. For me I thrived off the praise of others. I loved that adults thought I was a stellar kid. I loved that the kids in my classes tried to compete with me to get their papers done early. And to slow down or make room for a mistake would mean losing that praise.

In high school, like most girls, there was a point when I gained some weight as my body was changing. I had a freak out moment and decided I needed to lose the excess weight. But I didn't just stop there, I kept going. I became obsessive about counting my calories and calculating calories burned while working out to make sure that my net calorie intake was low. Even though I didn't technically starve myself and I was never a weight that would qualify me as anorexic, I was not in a healthy place. In fact, one time I passed out in class on a day that I had the late lunch hour. I'm pretty sure my blood sugar got too low and that is why I passed out. No one could really see that I wasn't healthy, not even my family. Part of that might have been the image I portrayed. Part of it might have been that as a society we value slim figures so much that we are blind as to what healthy even looks like.

So how did I get to where I am now? Well, I'm not really sure. I couldn't keep up the calorie restriction because my body was starving. Over the following years food was a miserable subject. I've always enjoyed good food and cooking, but not being able to control my thoughts and guilt about how many calories I consumed was maddening. Especially, because before it resulted in my desired weight but in college it seemed that all I did was feel shame about my lack of self-control. And, it didn't help that boys seemed to ask out the skinniest girls most. In fact, I usually had at least one roommate that was struggling with an eating disorder, and without fail, that girl always got asked out the most.

One thing that really started to change the way I think was my mission to Russia. I had grown up leading such a structured life where I believed that if you do A, B, and C that means you are a good person. On my mission I discovered the world through new eyes. I was finally able to see past titles, accolades, numbers, and checklists to see the heart. Maybe that was when I stopped worrying so much about how others saw me and I started to care more about what was happening within myself.

So how does perfectionism effect me now? Well, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I want to pat myself on the back for not putting unrealistic expectations on myself. Sometimes I don't worry about my to do list and I enjoy the moment. But there are times when I do feel pressure to get it all done; to clean the house, complete the checklist, and being uber-productive. My body is one area where I have probably made the most progress. I highly recommend the book Intuitive Eating to any woman who struggles with body image. This book helped me to accept my body and tune out everyone else's opinions about my body (because it never ceases to surprise me how so many other people are so concerned about another person's body). I can't even begin to describe the freedom that I feel that I no longer have to over-think about my eating. Grades was also a place where I feel that I made a lot of progress. One great thing about grad school is that it is somewhat pass-fail. It is kind of funny because if I look at my the areas of my life now that I had been so anxious to perfect previously, I'm in a better place. When I let perfectionism go, I didn't blimp out and gain a ton of weight. My grades didn't drop. But the worry went away. The shame went away. And a space opened up. And I'm so glad that I found that space because in that space I found acceptance and love. I'm not sure that I could have let someone love me when I couldn't love me. Sure I thought I loved myself, but I loved myself conditionally. And I'm not sure that I could have tolerated imperfection in a partner when I resented any imperfection that I saw in myself.

I can't say that I've completely rid myself of my perfectionism but I can say that I am trying to focus less on being perfect and focus more on creating space for me to be human. I see that a lot of women struggle with perfectionism in my own LDS community though I don't think it is something unique to LDS or even christian cultures. I'm so grateful for my upbringing and I am proud to be a member of a church that expects things from their members. However, there is a cultural (not doctrinal) expectation that because we strive to obey all the commandments, that we actually can obey all the commandments. This is dangerous because it doesn't leave room for us to be human. It also doesn't leave room for Jesus Christ. And it doesn't leave room for others to love us. How can Christ suffer for our sins, if we never commit them? How can we partake of His grace, if we think, "I got this"? How can your spouse truly love you, if neither of you acknowledge both the good and bad parts of you? The truth of the matter is that I don't "got this" and I never have. And, maybe I never will. And that's okay, because my worth was NEVER dependent upon my grades, weight, or how many minutes I read the scriptures. My worth always has been and always will be dependent on my Creator. And, that makes me feel pretty good about who I am.