The big parenting debate

It often seems that every time I log onto Facebook, there is a blog post on my newsfeed written by a parent who is arguing for his or her parenting strategy. Sometimes there is even the blog post that talks about how all parenting strategies are good and we shouldn't be bashing each other. Sometimes I agree with the blog author and sometimes I'm left to wonder why I even read such things.

I want to start this post out by saying that I don't support any particular outlined parenting strategy. You often hear parents talk about the CIO (crying it out method), attachment parenting, and other trending parenting practices. A lot of parents get really excited and invested in a particular parenting or discipline method. I think this is silly, but for authors of books coining a phrase for a parenting strategy is what sells. And for some reason, parents align themselves with these parenting strategies as though they were joining a religious organization or political party.

I want to share a few of my personal views on some of the parenting debates out there.

First, why don't people just parent? I don't feel the need to do attachment parenting or any other particular style. I do me. I parent how I see fit. Yes, it is great to get ideas from other parents and "experts" but as a parent I think it is my responsibility to look at myself and my child to see how I can incorporate good principles into what works best for us. I hear parents bashing other parents for using certain strategies assuming that the parent follows every single word outlined by that strategy. Well, most parents probably don't follow everything exactly. I'm sure lots of parents take what works and leave out the things that don't work. Most parents that spank probably don't beat their children. Most parents that use the CIO method are probably not ignoring their child's hunger or letting their child cry for hours on end. And most parents who believe in attachment parenting are probably not nursing their kindergartner.

Second, attachment is not just about where you sleep or how long you breastfeed. While I don't find anything wrong with parents having their children sleep in the same room or wanting to breastfeed for an extended time, I think that parents deceive themselves into thinking that these are the most important things for healthy attachment. Attachment injuries can occur at any point in our lives. As a therapist, most of the people that I see that have suffered an attachment injury do not come in complaining that they had to sleep in their own bed as a child or that they were bottle fed. Parents are sometimes more concerned about never letting their child cry than they are about maintaining a healthy sexual and emotional relationship with their spouse. If attachment parenting leads to the child's needs becoming so paramount that needs in the marital relationship are completely ignored, your child could end up having far more attachment problems later. Repeatedly ignoring your marriage for a child will always make everyone lose. Your marriage is the foundation of your family. Parenting is about learning how to balance the spousal relationship and the parenting relationship. I don't think you can build healthy attachment in one family relationship if that means you are depriving another relationship in the family.

Third, your sacrifice as a parent will often make you love your child more, but not all sacrifices are necessary or even equal. I often hear other parents talk about getting up at night to every cry and nursing multiple times in the night. I hear mothers wearing sleep deprivation as a badge of honor. Um, you know what sleep deprivation looks like for me? No energy, low sex drive, bad memory, and extra tears. How does my family benefit from that? Now, sleep deprivation will happen with babies because it is unavoidable. But sometimes it seems that parents refuse to try different thing; not because they won't work, but because the parent wants to be a martyr. If I had an employee that prided himself on working long hours when he could have gotten the job done within the normal 40 hour work week, I wouldn't praise him. I would think he is inefficient. In our sometimes twisted American culture we pride ourselves on working ridiculous hours, sleeping very little, and busyness. None of these things improve quality of life or our relationships. Making the sacrifices that benefit our families the most is what will improve our lives. Suffering does not make you a better parent. It's like when you work out. Pain can mean that you are gaining muscle, but it can also indicate that your are doing something wrong. Parents that make smart sacrifices will have the happiest families.

Fourth, there are correct and incorrect ways to parent. When someone says, "Every parenting strategy is good," I get annoyed. Although I agree that parents need to know how their children operate and make adjustments accordingly, there are some key principles in parenting that if they are not followed, you will have problems. This is not an all inclusive list but here are a few examples of some principles that are just flat out true.  

• It is important for parents to follow through. If a parent warns about a punishment but never actually punishes the child, the child learns that he or she can misbehave and mom or dad won't do anything about it. It's almost better that you never threatened with a punishment at all.
• Parents should back each other up and be united in their decisions. I think we all know that when children know that one parent is more lenient they will always go to that one for permission. Kids can't manipulate parents who support each other's decisions or make decisions together. Those kids know that mom will always respond, "What did your dad say?"
• While parents are to provide guidance and correction, they should also praise good behavior and recognize the efforts of their children. If the only time their parents comment on something is to criticize, this will damage a child's self-esteem. On the other hand, parents who only praise children and fail to critique behaviors will also damage a child's self-esteem. Your child will feel good about his or herself if you are honest with your child. The world will be honest with your child in pointing out strengths and flaws. It is your job to help your child recognize his or her strengths and flaws. 
• Children need rules and boundaries. "No" is not an evil word and it is okay to hurt your child's feelings. It hurt my son's feelings all the time. Sometimes my son will get into something that could potentially hurt him. When I take it away, he cries. So, should I give it back? My son likes to climb all over the couch but I know he could fall and hurt himself, so I tell him no and put him back on the floor. He throws a little fit. So what? Parents shouldn't feel guilty about setting boundaries. Children cry. That is a way that they express disappointment and they will be disappointed a lot because they don't know what you know. They don't know that eating ice cream for every meal could cause health problems. They don't know how bad a burn from a hot stove will feel. They don't know that staying up late will make them grumpy the next day. Rules and boundaries exist to ensure the best outcomes. 

Parenting isn't an easy task, and we are all learning as we go. Each family is different which is why certain "methods" won't work for every family. But there are true principles that go into creating successful relationships and each parent has to discover how to use those principles in his or her parenting.