Here's to two years!

Today is our two year wedding anniversary. Isaac and I often laugh about how you see the same Facebook post again and again, "Two years ago I made the best decision ever," "Two years ago I married my best friend." Truthfully, I don't know that I can say that I married my best friend two years ago. The friendship aspect of our marriage has grown so much that I think it would be more accurate to say that I married my lover or romantic partner two years ago who has now become my very best friend. I could say something sappy like, "it has been the best two years of my life" and it probably has been but I guess I don't view it quite like that. Marriage is a fascinating relationship. It's like no other. In marriage, you actually choose to be in the relationship and you choose to bind it legally. You put all your eggs in the basket. You share property, money, time, your body, and really anything that you have to offer. As a marriage and family therapist I probably reflect more on my marriage than the typical person. So, I'd like to share some thoughts with you about my own experience with marriage.

Marriage is fun
Marriage can be super fun. You have this constant buddy and you find things that you love to do and then you do them together, like everyday! It's awesome. It's not like when you were little and had to bribe your siblings to do something with you. Your spouse is just as excited as you to do all these things together. You always have a friend with whom to eat, play, work, and sleep.

Marriage means fighting
Some couples may pride themselves on not fighting and that is fine. High five to you. Growing up I never really got into many fights with my siblings, parents, or friends but Isaac and I fight. Gasp! I know, I'm a therapist and I fight with my husband! I'm not ashamed of it. Sometimes we could be nicer when we fight. Sometimes the fights lead to tears (usually me cause I am a crier) and sometimes they lead to laughter (Isaac likes to use humor to dissipate an argument). Sometimes I will refer to a fight and Isaac will say something like, "What fight?" I guess we should fight about the definition of "fight" since we clearly disagree on that.

Some people think fighting is bad for a relationship and it can be because sometimes people say things that they can't take back. Sometimes fights can destroy trust but not all fighting is bad. In fact, I personally think that the absence of fighting can be a problem. You are two separate individuals, so there is no way that you will always agree on everything. Sometimes the absence of fighting or disagreeing can indicate that one person fears the other or that one person has lost their voice to what the other partner wants. I think disagreeing can be a sign of trust. For example, if I'm upset about something or if I don't agree and I voice that to my spouse, I am really saying, "I trust that if I tell you I am upset about something, you will want to address the problem with me. And if I don't agree with you, I can tell you because you will still love me and be with me even if I don't think or act like you."

Marriage is saying, "I'm sorry"
We all mess up. We all fall short. Recognizing your part of a problem is key to feeling connected to your spouse. I kind of chuckle sometimes because after a fight or a problem, Isaac and I will often come back to each other and it's like, "who will apologize first?" I'm grateful that I have a husband that values feeling connected to me enough to set aside his pride and look at himself to see how he contributed to a problem. It is easy to admit where you are at fault when you can trust that your spouse is doing this as well. It is much harder to set aside your pride if you can't be sure that your spouse will.

Marriage is toleration
So, one interesting thing about marriage is that often the same issues come up again and again. Usually this is because it may be linked to a personality trait. Like one person may run late and that will continually annoy the other person. One day I had the thought, "I don't want you to be sorry, I don't want it to happen in the first place!" But being married means that we put up with each other's shortcomings even if it takes years for our spouse to improve. I have my shortcomings and if I want Isaac to be patient as I work on my faults, then I need to be patient with his.

Marriage is security
I got married at age 27. I remember feeling lonely when I was single. Sometimes people think that when they find "the one," they will be happy. Let me tell you, I don't think that is true. Initially, you will be full of bliss because you are falling in love. But I don't feel like I interact with others more cheerfully now. I'm pretty much the same person, same personality as before. I don't feel that romantic loneliness but I have felt other kinds of loneliness. I have felt lonely because I don't have as many good friends nearby as I used to have. I have always been a social butterfly but since getting married, graduating from school, and becoming a mom my social life has changed and sometimes that means feeling a little lonely. However, I will say that having a spouse who I know loves me and is committed to me brings a sense of security that I'm not sure I had ever felt before. My parents divorced when I was six-years-old. Abandonment, despite the form it may take, often leads one to question whether anyone will want you or want to stay with you. Some people may still struggle with these feelings even after marrying. In my personal experience, my marriage has helped me overcome these types of thoughts and feelings.

Marriage is family
One of the best things about marriage is that you grow your family! I feel very lucky because I absolutely adore my in-laws. They are so caring and personable. It is nice to see their example of dedication to their marriage and family. Also, marriage often leads to children. I remember when Wyatt joined us. That moment was so special, and I can't describe how bonded I felt to Isaac. My love for Isaac only grew because together we had created this beautiful baby boy. It is so fun for us to play together as a family and just enjoy each other's personalities. Honestly, nothing beats that, nothing.

Marriage is creation
One exciting part of marriage and family is creating your own traditions or continuing traditions from your own families. It is also fun to decorate a home and create an environment where your family can grow. It is nice to be able to take the good things from your childhood and provide them for your family. And if there were negative things in your childhood, you also get to try to create a home and environment where there those things have no place.

Now, if you aren't married some of you might think this sounds good, and some may think it sounds not so good. Marriage isn't easy. Awhile back there was a lot of backlash for a comment that Ben Affleck made when receiving an award because he said that his marriage is a lot of work. He was being honest. Anyone who deeply cares about the success and longevity of their marriage will come to know at some point that marriage is work. It reminds me of serving a mission. When I went on a mission to Russia, I had the best time. I had tons of fun, learned a lot, but I also faced a lot of challenges. If you had looked at all the challenges I faced, you might think, "Why would anyone ever do that?" That's what lazy people say. That is what people say who are looking for someone else to make them happy. Truly happy people know that joy comes from the fruits of hard work and diligence. It is difficult to convey in words what it feels like to be truly loved so that another person could understand why all the sacrifice is worth it. But if you were to feel that love, you would be willing to do the work.

I feel very fortunate that things have worked out so well. In some ways Isaac and I are pretty different and I did have some worries that those differences might be problematic. But today I can assuredly say that I chose well when I married. When you marry, you are trusting someone with your future. That is huge! While two years isn't a long time, it has given me the time to see if Isaac really was as great as he presented himself to be when we were dating. It has been comforting to see that he is the very man that I married. I'm so grateful for Isaac's love, loyalty, and companionship. I hope we will be blessed to have many more years together.

Below are a few pictures to reminiscence.

If you want to see more pictures from the wedding, click on the following link:
http://rebeccalucero.blogspot.com/2012/02/wedding-pictures-again-texas-style-aka.html

If you want to hear the story of how we met, click on the following link:
http://rebeccalucero.blogspot.com/2011/05/what-you-all-have-been-waiting-for.html