Parenting tips based on things I've seen

Over the past two years, I have worked with many families of children and teens. As I gave therapy to these families, I learned a few things that I think could be useful for all parents. Parenting can be challenging and I hope the following information can be helpful to someone.

1. Meet your child's needs before you expect compliance.
Many parents complain about the poor behavior of their children. Often, after some digging, I discover that the children are not getting certain needs met. I worked with one particular family that told me about their child's disobedience. The child was playing sports late into the evening. The child would always begin to act out an hour or two into the practice, around 8:00 or 9:00 pm. Surely enough, I come to find out that the child did not eat dinner till after the practice. Empower your children to be their best selves by making sure that they have been fed and received adequate rest. Even most adults become moody when hungry and tired. I know this may seem obvious but if your kid is acting up, this is a simple place to start.

2. If you are a single parent, think twice about dating.
I know that being single can get lonely, very lonely. Being a single parent is a hard job. But, dating or getting remarried will not always make the job easier. When you are cultivating a new relationship, you must give a lot of time and energy to that relationship. No matter how hard parents try, often they unknowingly pay less attention to their kids. When a single parent dates, they still only have 24 hours in a day and now that parent shares some of those hours with a new person. When children are very young, this may be less of an issue but based on what I have seen, a parent's dating life can take a toll on teens. Especially, if your teens are already struggling. Teens aren't going to open up and tell you everything. You often have to read between the lines. You need to be there. And if your focus is on a new lover, you could miss important opportunities to influence your teen. Also, not every relationship works out and lovers coming in and out of your life can create an unstable living environment for your children. I'm not saying it is impossible, but parents who want to date should take extra precautions and move slowly in relationships so that their children have the most stable environment possible. Some of these principles apply to two parent homes as well. A stable, loving environment allows children to flourish.

3. Children's use of technology should be supervised.
Be very careful about what devices you give to your children. Nintendo DS, phones, iPods, computers, and TVs can all be misused by a child. As much as your children want technological devices to play games and to fit in with the other children, don't feel pressure to give them to your child. You are the parent and if you do not want to give it to your child, follow that gut instinct. Kids as young as 12-years-old, and probably even younger, send explicit text messages. Do not allow TVs or computers to be in your children's bedrooms. Your TV and computer should be located in a central location in the home where activity can be monitored. It's not that all children will watch sexually explicit television, but even scary movies or news programs can present information that your child is not ready for. Talk with your children about what programs and types of websites are okay to view in your home.

4. Do not ask your child if they can "handle" a certain program
I have heard many children tell me about nightmares and fears of the dark that have been sparked by movies or television programs. Sometimes the parents will ask these children if they think they can "handle" the scariness of the program. First, look at the ratings. If some group of people in Hollywood say that children under thirteen or seventeen shouldn't see the movie unsupervised, you probably don't want to show that movie to your child. This is why. Images sometimes stay in our minds. Even though you may be watching the movie with your child, those images can replay in your child's mind when they are alone. Also, your job as a parent is to be the gatekeeper. A 10-year-old child is not capable of knowing how a horror movie will affect him or her. But if you as a parent get scared, a child that is barely beginning to distinguish reality from fantasy will surely be scared. Don't ask your child to make parenting decisions.

5. Talk to your children about sex.
When your child asks you a question about sex, always be willing to have that conversation. Obviously, you should share information that is age appropriate. The best type of sex education for a child is one that happens gradually over time. If a child learns that he/she can come to you with questions about sex and he/she will receive honest and informative answers, that child will continue to seek you as the primary source on information about sex. If you ignore your child's questions or give patronizing answers, your child will find other places to get the answers. If you have never talked to your child about sex and your child is in junior high, you have waited too long. Kids are talking about and having sex in junior high. Not all the kids, but enough that your child will have learned something about sex at school. Please be brave and have these conversations with your children.

6. Set boundaries, even if you didn't keep them yourself.
One of my biggest pet peeves is parents that are afraid to set boundaries with their children concerning sex, drugs, and alcohol. I understand that parents my feel hypocritical telling their child to wait to have sex till marriage if they lost their virginity at 16-years-old, but guess what? Your child doesn't know your past and doesn't need to. Your job as a parent is to help guide your child. That means learning from your own mistakes. Often parents will say things like, "I don't want her to have sex till she is married." I ask, "Well, what standard have you set?" And they haven't set a standard. Your child will make mistakes and they won't always meet your expectations but you should set expectations in your home. "Drugs are not tolerated." "No drinking till you are of legal age." "No sex till marriage." "No sex till you are out of the house." Whatever standard you think is appropriate, set it. If you don't set a standard, you are inadvertently telling your child that you don't really care. You may have turned out fine after experimenting but there is a reason that every parent has a pit in their stomach when they think about their kid experimenting. The reason is that some people become addicts, car accidents happen, teen pregnancy happens, STDs happen. Protect your child by setting boundaries.

7. Talk to your children about safety.
Children need to learn early on how to say no. It is important that as parents you show respect for your child's physical boundaries. That means, when you are tickling a child and he asks you stop, stop tickling. If you as a the parent don't respect physical boundaries, it will make it that much easier for your child to be victimized because your child has learned that as a child, he can't demand respect for his boundaries. Also, recognize that children who are victimized are often threatened, and the perpetrator also threatens to hurt their family. Make sure your child knows that they can always tell you something, even if someone else has threatened to hurt them or you.

8. Use accurate names when talking about sex and do not make sex a dirty thing.
Having worked with many sexually abused children, I have heard all sorts of names for private parts and sexual acts. When you talk with your child about private parts, use the anatomical names like "penis" and "vagina." I once met with some children that called sex, "the nasty." Sex is not nasty. Sex should never be treated as something dirty or shameful. Private parts should not be demonized either. When you use anatomical names, you allow sex to become neutral. Help prepare your child to be ready for their sexual development. Explain to them about the changes that will happen in their bodies. Sex is a natural part of life and your child will make better decisions concerning sex if they are prepared and accurately informed. Let your children know how miraculous the human body is. A child who learns to love his or her body will more likely respect his or her body.

9. Be the person you want your child to become.
Parents are often devastated when they discover that their child has been sexually abused, especially when the parent has been sexually abused his or herself. Most of the time these parents have never shared with anyone that they were abused and they have never sought out help for dealing with the emotional ramifications of the abuse they suffered. One mother counseled her child to learn good coping strategies so that she wouldn't emotionally eat like her. While mom's advice was good, I wondered how well the child would do. If mom still uses food to cope, why or how would the child be more successful? Now, no parent is perfect and as parents we are all a work-in-progress ourselves. But, the best way to teach your child is to be the person you want your child to become. Don't expect your child to play outside, if you won't go outside. Don't expect your child to not be glued to his video game, if you are glued to your technology. Don't expect your child to have healthy romantic relationships, if you don't. If you don't like what you have seen in your kids, take a look in the mirror and try to see what example you may inadvertently be setting.

10. Don't over-schedule your children.
Children are over-scheduled these days. Your kids go to school all day where they are on a schedule. Kids now often have lessons and sports that go late into the night. It may be a Texas thing, but I am appalled to find out that 10-year-old's spend more time practicing sports than I did as a teen on my high school field hockey team. Kids need time to be creative and if you sign them up for every sport and lesson, they may not be able to develop other talents. Your children will have time to play sports, learn math, and play instruments. But your child will only have so long to play dolls and trucks. Don't let the fear of your child falling behind cause you to feel that you are putting your child at a disadvantage. You as a parent will be less anxious if you don't have to run your kids all over town. Your child doesn't need the stress of a busy schedule. Simplify where you can.

11. Help your child discover his or her own dream, not your dream.
Ah, the parent's dream. This also ties into sports. I see so many parents pushing their kids to excel at sports. While I am sure that it helps to teach a child early, just because a child plays football his whole life, it does not guarantee that he will make the NFL. As a parent try to expose your child to many different sports and activities. Watch to find out where your child has natural abilities. I know you might love baseball but that doesn't mean your child needs to. If your child knows you want him to be a baseball star, he will try to be that for you because your child loves you and wants you to be proud of him. Later in life, he might come to resent the pressure. But worse, maybe your child will never know what he really wants because what you want is ingrained in his or her mind. I know all parents want good things for their child but I think that as parents we should try as hard as we can to help our kids know that we want them to discover what makes them truly happy and that does not need to be the same thing that makes us happy.

I hope that these tips have been helpful to some. This is by no means a comprehensive list of parenting tips. These are just a few thoughts that I have gathered over the past couple years. I hope these have provided some insight and guidance for those seeking answers.