The gift of poverty

Those that know me well, know that I grew up in an affluent community. I was very fortunate to be born into a family where my father was a doctor. And although my parents divorced, the divorce settlement gave my mother a monthly income that was much higher than many families could provide on two incomes. I never realized how privileged I was until I entered graduate school and was asked to write a paper about privilege. My mother tried her best to keep us grounded by giving us chores such as vacuuming, cleaning toilets, and mowing the lawn. However, I still went to some of the best public schools and I was always dressed in beautiful clothes. I studied abroad, served a mission for my church, and received an undergraduate degree and I was never in the red. 

I got a job with Enterprise Rent-a-cad. I remember becoming financially independent. It was scary. My parents had given me so much and now that I had a real job, I knew I couldn't ask for help. I was going to have to figure it out. And I did. I was paying my own car insurance now. I had my own apartment. I was learning to budget. Yet, I was able to go Costa Rica with my friends and shop at Banana Republic whenever my little heart desired. Then I decided to go back to school. I was going to take out student loans. 

Flash forward to graduation. Graduate school had come to an end. No more student loans to provide income. I was married and five months pregnant. Neither Isaac or I had what you could call full-time employment. I was trying to set up a private practice so I could work part-time before and after the birth of the baby. Isaac was able to work more hours with the job he had worked while in school. While Isaac had been dreaming of working on a ranch, the drought had dried up those jobs. We were poor. Well, we still are actually. We were living pay check to pay check. Sometimes we still don't know how we are going to pay this bill or that bill. BUT, somehow we do. It has been difficult to control my stress. Often I would grow concerned and rack my brain trying to think of ways we could come up with money before the next bill due date came. I would drive myself crazy. Isaac always seemed so calm, so confident that it would work out. I thought, "He is crazy!" Yet, every time it did work out. I've learned a couple lessons from being poor that I will list and discuss below:

1. I love to give

2. To receive is hard

3. To receive is divine

4. Karma is real

5. Tithing is a blessing

6. Money is not happiness

1. I love to give

One of the most difficult things about being poor is realizing that you don't always have the money to buy others gifts that you would like to give. This has been extremely hard for me. I also love to cook for others. It has been difficult to look at the bank account and think, "I want to have these friends over to eat, but I'm not sure we can feed others until we get our next paycheck.We will have to wait." 

2. To receive is hard

It is so much more comfortable to be in the position of giving than receiving. It is hard to admit that you need help or that you depend on others. Although I was given a lot by my parents, that is very different from when you are a grown adult and feel that you should be capable of meeting all your own needs.

3. To receive is divine

There have been so many times when Isaac and I have unexpectedly received gifts and money from others when we really needed it. Receiving money when you really need it, when you have been praying for a solution, is a unique experience. It has brought tears to my eyes, warmth to my heart, and caused me to fall on my knees recognizing that God often cares for us through our friends and family.

4. Karma is real

What goes around comes around. When you have little, it is often hard to give because you aren't sure that you will have enough. However, we have never gone without and I think that is because we have continued to give as much as we can. No meal shared with others has every left us with empty stomachs. Anytime we give to others, we receive.

5. Tithing is a blessing

As part of our faith, Isaac and I give 10% of our income back to God. This is not easy, but we have made a commitment to do so and we recognize that all we have is from God. Sometimes it seems that not paying tithing would allow us to pay a bill, but we pay our tithing and find that somehow we still have the money to pay that bill even though it seemed that we wouldn't be able to. Even if we were not monetarily rewarded, we recognize that we should always give thanks to God for what he has given us.

6. Money is not happiness

Now, I think we all know that money can buy a good time. I'm not disputing that. Even though Isaac and I never went on a honeymoon, even though I haven't been able to buy new clothes, even though Isaac hasn't been able to buy a saddle, we are happy. It is the simple things that make me happy. I love cooking a meal and having a husband that is at home to eat it with me. I love having friends over and enjoying interesting conversation. I love taking road trips and talking with Isaac for six hours when our car radio is broken (okay, so I sleep some of those six hours). I love that Isaac and I created this life, our little Wyatt, who is discovering this world and all the wonder in it. These things bring happiness. I often think, "what if tomorrow was my last day?" I wouldn't stress about money today. I would enjoy today. So I try to hold Isaac a little closer, play with my baby a bit longer, give that baby a kiss and brush his face every single time before I lay him down in his crib, get up at 5:30 am to fix Isaac breakfast,  make sure that I kiss him when he gets home, because God forbid anything happen, I never want to think that I wasted away these years worrying instead of living. 

I was accustomed to wealth and how blessed I am because I grew up in wealth. But, I am just as blessed by poverty and that is why poverty is a gift. It has taught me a lot about myself, love, and what matters most. I know that we won't always be poor but I hope that I never forget the lessons I'm currently learning.